News in Brief: Nation To Try Channeling Outrage Over Gun Control Into Issue That Can Actually Be Addressed

WASHINGTON—Reasoning that it would likely be a much better use of their time and effort, exasperated citizens across the nation announced plans Thursday to try channeling their current outrage over the country’s lack of effective gun control into an issue that can actually be addressed. “We’ve felt this collective indignation so many times before and it’s come to nothing, so maybe if we take all this anger and focus it on something achievable, like repairing our roads or modernizing the electrical grid, we could make some actual progress,” said Atlanta resident Kathryn Greenfield, one of millions of Americans who agreed that there were probably dozens of pressing national issues that could be solved using energy that would simply be wasted trying to limit access to firearms. “Improving care for our veterans or guaranteeing universal preschool education both seem like attainable goals if we wanted to direct …











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Video: Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation​

How close has the nuclear-armed world come to a descending into outright global catastrophe? The Onion explains nuclear proliferation.











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Infographic: A Look At The Class Of 2019


This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2019, with the majority of students born in the year 1997. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

  • Most were only 12 years old when 2009 happened
  • 64th consecutive generation to save Texas Instruments from bankruptcy
  • They have never known a time when the majestic woolly mammoth roamed the Great Plains
  • Average of 3 students per class named after Korn guitarist James “Munky” Shaffer
  • Chalkboards, paper books, and VHS tapes are all items they’ve been told they don’t remember or recognize
  • Al Roker at a non-lethal body weight for over half their lives
  • More of these students than any before will be the second, third, or fourth generation of their families to inherit crippling student loan debt
  • Do not personally know anyone who perished in the Y2K disaster
  • More or less …











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News in Brief: ISIS Operatives Destroy Hofner Bass Guitar Signed By Paul McCartney

AL-BUKAMAL, SYRIA—Calling it another heinous act designed to shock the conscience, international experts confirmed Thursday that members of the Islamic terrorist group ISIS recently destroyed a Hofner bass guitar signed by music legend Paul McCartney. “It is nothing short of a tragedy to see extremists callously rob the world of this priceless piece of Fab Four memorabilia,” said historian James Hanson of Yale University, noting that this particular 500/1 violin bass, which can be seen in an ISIS propaganda video being smashed to pieces by black-clad fighters who then pose with the shattered fretboard and offer their praise to God, was one of just two instruments used by the iconic musician during the Beatles’ 1965 European Tour, and the only one to feature his signature. “This treasured artifact was a tangible connection to the band’s brilliant performances of ‘I Feel Fine,’ ‘A Hard Day’s Night,’ and …











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American Voices: Drug-Resistant ‘Super Lice’ On The Rise

A new strain of lice immune to over-the-counter treatments has many parents worried as they send their children back to school this week, with 25 states nationwide reporting the presence of the “super lice” so far. What do you think?











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News in Brief: Quantum Political Scientists Hypothesize Country Headed In Both Right And Wrong Directions Simultaneously

PASADENA, CA—Upending the conventionally held assumption that the United States must exclusively be moving along a single good or bad path forward, quantum political scientists at the California Institute of Technology published a paper Thursday hypothesizing that the country is, in fact, headed in both the right and wrong directions simultaneously. “Rather than inhabiting a single reality where the nation’s future looks bright or an opposite one where Americans are struggling like never before, our research suggests that these two conditions actually exist concurrently in a state of superposition,” said lead researcher David Rimbaud, adding that, according to their analysis of quantum wave function and Gallup polls, the nation’s best days were found to lie, paradoxically, both ahead of and behind it. “In addition, our research has revealed for the first time that this country is currently changing beyond all recognition while at the same time remaining …











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American Voices: Burger King Proposes Teaming With McDonald’s To Sell ‘McWhopper’

Burger King launched an ad campaign this week inviting McDonald’s to join forces with them for a single day and sell the “McWhopper,” a combination of each of their bestselling hamburgers, to drive awareness of the Peace One Day nonprofit, though McDonald’s has publicly declined the offer. What do you think?











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