News in Brief: New Extended Paternity Leave Offers Dads More Time To Lose Colleagues’ Respect

POTOMAC, MD—Providing male employees with an alternative to the standard one or two weeks off, executives from investment firm Wyndham Capital announced Tuesday that the company had begun offering extended paternity leave to any new fathers wanting more time to lose their colleagues’ respect. “We found that many men were unsatisfied with the duration of our previously offered leave, so we’ve amended our policy to accommodate those on staff who would like a little extra time to lower themselves in the eyes of their coworkers,” said vice president of HR Ben Nylen, explaining that the new 12-week leave was designed to give fathers ample time to show business associates that they’re effeminate weaklings unfit for the high-stakes world of finance. “Taking advantage of a full three months off is not only a great way for men to lose the personal and professional esteem of their peers, but …










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News in Brief: Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess. “While our fans have long been enchanted by Belle, Ariel, and Elsa, we wanted to create a relatable princess for girls everywhere who are still virgins,” said Disney executive vice president Zenia Mucha, describing the only Disney princess who has never had sexual intercourse as a quirky, confident, and pure 14-year-old ascendant to the throne of the magical kingdom of Hazelberry. “All Disney princesses have extraordinary stories and inner qualities that make them wonderful and unique, but we’ve always lacked a heroine who hasn’t yet slept with her boyfriend or another male character. We are proud that Lily will finally provide a princess to look up to for the large demographic of young girls who, due to age …










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News in Brief: Study: U.S. Wastes 2 Million Hours Annually Figuring Out Where Tape Roll Starts

BLOOMINGTON, IN—A new study published Friday by researchers at Indiana University revealed that U.S. citizens waste approximately 2 million hours annually trying to figure out where a roll of tape starts. “According to our data, thousands of hours are squandered each day by Americans running their fingers along the outside of a roll of tape until they stumble upon the frayed edge where the tape begins,” said the study’s co-author Bethany Cohen, who noted that the amount of time Americans fritter away bringing the roll of tape up close to their face and slowly tracing their fingertips around its perimeter accounts for nearly $15 billion annually in lost productivity. “Furthermore, we discovered that when Americans eventually find where the tape starts, they waste an additional 4 million hours per year meticulously picking at the tape with a fingernail until they have a large enough tab to peel …










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American Voices: ‘Prince George Effect’ Leads To Skyrocketing Croc Sales

Though the clunky plastic shoes have long been criticized as ugly, sales of Crocs surged 1,500 percent after Prince George was photographed wearing a $54 pair of navy blue Crocs at a charity polo match. What do you think?








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American Voices: Samsung Introducing ‘Clear Truck’ To Make Driving Safer

Samsung is working to develop a “clear truck,” which works by using a camera installed on the front to livestream the road ahead onto a mounted video screen on the back, letting drivers see “through” the truck. What do you think?








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Infographic: The Gay Rights Movement In America: A Timeline


The Supreme Court ruled in a 5-4 decision Friday that bans on gay marriage are unconstitutional, concluding decades of hard-fought battles by gay rights activists to grant marriage equality to all. Here is a timeline of milestones in the gay rights movement in the U.S.:

  • 1953: President Eisenhower warns nation of growing homosexual-industrial complex
  • June 28, 1969: Riots break out at Stonewall in Greenwich Village in history’s only example of useful protest against being asked to leave a bar
  • December 15, 1973: American Psychiatric Association downgrades homosexuality from mental disorder to quirk
  • November 27, 1978: Gay rights activist Harvey Milk assassinated, setting the stage for Sean Penn’s Oscar-winning 2008 performance
  • September 1994: First gay TV character who has personality traits other than being gay scrapped by NBC executives
  • September 21, 1996-June 26, 2013: Marriage defended
  • September 21, 1998: Premiere of hit sitcom Will & Grace shows millions …








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