Sports News in Brief: Roger Goodell Quietly Says Goodnight To Hallway Of NFL Greats’ Chemically Preserved Bodies

NEW YORK—Slowly walking down the basement hallway as the ceiling’s fluorescent lights turned off row by row behind him, Roger Goodell quietly said goodnight to each of the legendary former NFL players whose bodies he had chemically preserved, sources confirmed late Wednesday evening. “Sleep well, my friends,” whispered Goodell, delicately placing a hand against the glass of a tank containing the corpse of Johnny Unitas perfectly embalmed in a green, viscous liquid, before then waving to the floating bodies of Walter Payton, Reggie White, and the entire 1949 NFL Championship–winning Philadelphia Eagles defensive line housed in the back of the hall. “I’ll see you again in the morning. I love you.” Sources confirmed that before exiting the room, Goodell took one last look at the empty tank intended for Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning, emitted a deep sigh, and then shut the door.

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American Voices: Adidas To Help Change Native American Mascots

After attending the White House Tribal Nations Conference, Adidas has offered to help 2,000 high schools change their Native American mascots by employing the Adidas design team to recreate their logos and uniforms. What do you think?

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News: Lindsey Graham Gazes Longingly At Happy Rubio Campaign Workers Through Window

MANCHESTER, NH—Reportedly cupping his hands around his eyes for a better look at the cheerful volunteers inside, presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham gazed longingly into the window of fellow candidate Marco Rubio’s bustling New Hampshire campaign headquarters Thursday.

Graham, who was taking an evening walk alone through the neighborhood, is believed to have been drawn to the bright light and sound of good-natured conversation coming from the office, stopping around 6 p.m. to peer in at the active, joyful staff members as they made phone calls, stuffed envelopes, or huddled together for quick, impromptu meetings.

“Wow, look at all of them in there,” said the South Carolina senator, his face breaking into a smile as he watched a cluster of eager-looking young interns sort through plastic mail bins full of what appeared to be campaign donations. “All of them look so busy. They must have a lot to …

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American Voices: Scientists Confirm Anti-Vaccine Sites Contain No Facts

A new study found that despite the prevalence of websites encouraging parents not to vaccinate their children, two-thirds of the sites presented false or disproven information as scientific evidence, while others misinterpreted the findings of peer-reviewed medical papers on the subject. What do you think?

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American Voices: ISS Celebrates 15 Years Of Residency In Space

This week, the International Space Station marked 15 years of continuous human residency, during which the crew has expanded the ISS by 10 rooms, performed 1,760 experiments, and completed 189 space walks. What do you think?

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Infographic: Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates

Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates:

  • All moderators to be quarantined from society 18 months prior to debate to eliminate bias
  • Statute of limitations prohibiting questioning candidate about any statements made more than 60 seconds in the past
  • Mechanized, continuously rotating debate stage gives every candidate equal time at center podium
  • No questions from, for, or about women
  • At least one tray of pigs in a blanket during pre-debate luncheon
  • All questions must be prefaced with personalized compliment about candidate’s policies or appearance
  • One consequence-free tirade against any marginalized group of each candidate’s choosing
  • Rule stating that any participant thrown off stage by another candidate automatically disqualified from presidential campaign
  • Safe podium space …

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American Voices: China Ends One-Child Policy

Chinese officials have announced the end of a 35-year policy limiting families to one child and will now allow two children per family, a response to mounting concerns about the aging workforce and its vast economic repercussions such as labor shortages and health care costs. What do you think?

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