Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick. “Fucking Dave; this is all his fault,” said the feverish Mosley, recalling when coworker Dave Barlow coughed several times throughout the day last week at work and neglected to cover his goddamn mouth. “I bet that piece of shit got me sick when we were talking in the elevator. He kept sniffing and wiping his nose. That fucking moron claimed it was allergies. He probably knew it wasn’t, that fucking dick.” At press time, several of Mosley’s other coworkers were reportedly at home sick with a virus, which they were all currently blaming “that stupid fucking dumbshit Mosley” for spreading around the office.

Pollution Exposure During Pregnancy May Shorten Baby’s Life

A study found that pregnant women exposed to higher levels of air pollution gave birth to babies with shorter telomeres, a possible sign of premature aging and predictor of health problems. What do you think?

Fuck, I Totally Forgot To Fight For Women’s Rights And Promote Sustainability

Talk about an “oops” moment! The other day, after a White House staff meeting, I was walking past the Blue Room when I had this vague sense that I’d spaced out on something major. As much as I racked my brain, though, I just couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. It was only later in the afternoon when I was working at my desk that it finally hit me out of the blue—I totally fucking forgot to fight for women’s rights and promote sustainability!

I knew there was something I’d been meaning to do. Dammit!

Have you ever had that happen? You know, that feeling that you’ve left an important item off your to-do list but can’t figure out what it was, only for it to unexpectedly pop right back into your head later on? Well, guilty as charged! I …

Historians Suggest ‘Goodfellas’ YouTube Clips May Be Fragments Of Larger Work

LOS ANGELES—Saying there were too many similarities for it to be mere coincidence, historians from the University of Southern California suggested on Thursday that each of the Goodfellas clips on YouTube might be fragments of a larger artistic work. “After analyzing more than 400 separate videos, I believe there is strong evidence linking the characters, settings, and dialogue to a broader narrative, possibly related to organized crime in the middle-to-late 20th century,” said USC film history professor Patrick Carnevale, theorizing that the teenage Henry Hill character who did small jobs for the neighborhood wiseguys and the adult Henry Hill who set up the Lufthansa heist were, in fact, one and the same. “For instance, we originally thought a four-minute clip of Tommy getting insulted by Billy Batts in a Queens bar and later participating in his murder was its own distinct masterpiece, but when we looked at it in …

Scientists Warn Yellowstone Supervolcano Could Erupt Sooner Than Thought

Researchers warned that a massive volcano underneath Yellowstone National Park could erupt sooner than expected, potentially wiping out most life on earth. What do you think?

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.