Athlete’s Heartwarming Story Fucking Sucks

BUFFALO, NY—Sources from across the nation confirmed Friday that the heartwarming story of Buffalo Bills scout team player Marcus Newsome, a 31-year-old linebacker who realized his NFL dream five years after being diagnosed with a rare autoimmune di…





Sportsgraphic: Fantasy Football Week 15: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em

Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week: Start ’Em Johnny Manziel (QB): Manziel is finally showing the type of deluded confidence …





Family Receives 38-Piece AstraZeneca Assorted Pill Sampler

ALPHARETTA, GA—Gathering around the kitchen table to pick out their favorites, all four members of the Johnson household eagerly dug into a 38-piece AstraZeneca pill sampler that they received as a holiday gift, sources confirmed Friday.




American Voices: Convicted Sex Offender Wins $3 Million Florida Lottery

After Florida man Timothy Poole won $3 million from a scratch-off lottery ticket and posed in a photo with his check, internet users and authorities recognized him as a convicted sex offender who has been arrested 12 times for crimes that include grand…


Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of low…




The Onion’s Person Of The Year 2014

When The Onion’s editorial board convened to determine its Person of the Year for 2014, the members of our selection committee were in agreement that identifying the individual most worthy of this distinguished honor would be no easy task.