Passersby Stop To Stare At Man Leading Sad Life Through Open Apartment Window

CINCINNATI—Saying they could not stop staring despite the highly private nature of the scene that was unfolding, numerous passersby reportedly paused dead in their tracks Wednesday night upon catching sight of a man leading an incredibly sad life who was clearly visible through his unobstructed apartment window.

Witnesses said they started gathering on the sidewalk outside his apartment building at approximately 6:30 p.m. after noticing that the lethargic, disheveled man, who appeared to be in his mid-30s and was clad only in a ripped T-shirt and unwashed shorts, had left his curtains open and his lights on, putting his pathetic existence inside his dingy one-room studio in plain view for all to see.

“Boy, you can see absolutely everything,” said 38-year-old Andrea Arnold, who was walking to meet a friend for dinner when she glimpsed the man playing video games alone in his barely furnished, bare-walled apartment …

World’s Marine Life On Edge Now That SeaWorld Moving On From Orcas

PACIFIC OCEAN—Following the theme park’s pledge to phase out exhibits featuring the whale species and discontinue breeding them in captivity altogether, the world’s marine life told sources Thursday they were completely on edge now that SeaWorld is moving on from orcas. “At first, I was happy to hear the news about the orcas, but then it dawned on me that SeaWorld would probably try to find a replacement and I just started to freak out,” said an anxious and visibly trembling black marlin, who explained how a feeling of tense unease had spread among the manatees, sharks, octopuses, and other larger species of the ocean ecosystem that any one of them might be rounded up at any moment, transported to a small, featureless tank, and forced to perform a choreographed series of tricks up to a dozen times a day for crowds of onlookers. “The other whales …

How To Talk To Your Teen About Depression

Nearly one in five teens experiences depression, but parents can find it difficult to broach the subject. Here are The Onion’s tips for talking to your teen about depression:

  • Begin your conversation with something as simple as an observation, such as “I’ve noticed you have everything a person needs to be happy.”
  • Your teen will appreciate your honesty and transparency. Let them know you really can’t handle another stress like this on top of everything else.
  • Whatever you do, don’t start the conversation by totally freaking out over the bag of Lexapro you found in their sock drawer.
  • Seek common ground. Your teen might be surprised to learn that even lame old Dad finds life inherently meaningless!
  • Try not to scare them away from opening up by reacting with overblown emotional responses, like telling them you love them.
  • Let them know that you can relate to …

Zip Code Could Point To Life Expectancy

A recent study investigated income and mortality rates and found a nearly 15-year difference in life expectancy between the wealthiest and poorest Americans, with the longevity of those in poverty strongly correlated to what zip code they lived in. What do you think?

Hotel Lobby Treated To Entirety Of Child’s Song Catalogue During Check-In Process

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—According to guests lined up at the front desk and seated at the nearby hotel bar, the entire Marriott Courtyard lobby was treated to every song in 4-year-old Emma Freeland’s catalogue Wednesday while her parents checked into their room. “I thought she might just sing us ‘The Itsy-Bitsy Spider,’ but no—she segued right into ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,’ and then launched into an energetic choreographed rendition of ‘I’m A Little Teapot,’” said business traveler Sean Erskine, explaining how the complimentary show then continued with an extended four-minute rendition of “The Wheels On The Bus” as Freeland’s parents negotiated for an oceanfront room with a pull-out bed. “I figured the half-sung, half-hummed version of ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’ was the grand finale, but after a brief intermission to hide between her mother’s legs, she came back with an …

Lakers Players Curious What It Must Be Like To Be Inspired By Kobe Bryant

LOS ANGELES—Amid a massive outpouring of acclaim from fans, fellow athletes, and media members ahead of his retirement, players on the Los Angeles Lakers admitted to reporters Thursday that they are kind of curious what it must be like to be inspired by Kobe Bryant. “I keep hearing all these players on other teams and athletes from other sports talk about how much they were motivated by Kobe’s work ethic and competitive drive, so I can’t help but wonder what that would feel like,” said Lakers power forward Brandon Bass, adding that he has trouble even imagining Bryant as someone who he looks up to and tries to replicate. “I mean, Kobe is clearly helping people push themselves to be better and strive to achieve great things—it’s just kind of hard to wrap my head around that one.” Many Lakers players noted, however, that they …