News in Brief: Study: Those Who Go To College Earn More Degrees Over Lifetime Than Those Who Do Not

WASHINGTON—Confirming the conventional wisdom regarding the importance of college attendance in obtaining a diploma, a study published Monday by the National Education Association found that individuals who go to college earn more degrees over their lifetime than those who do not. “Our data suggests, quite convincingly, that those who pursue higher education invariably obtain more baccalaureates,” NEA researcher Denise Hallinan said, adding that the study’s findings cut across all socioeconomic brackets and applied to state and private schools equally. “And the degree acquisition gap only widens further once people go on to graduate school, with individuals at the Ph.D. level typically earning a full three more degrees than persons who did not attend college at all.” The study comes on the heels of a recent Labor Department report that found the nation’s best-paying jobs were dominated entirely by people who applied for them.










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American Voices: Exercise Might Help Treat Alzheimer’s

Researchers announced this week that not only can regular aerobic exercise help protect the brain against Alzheimer’s, it can also positively impact those already diagnosed with the disease, due to increased blood flow to the brain’s memory and processing centers. What do you think?










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News in Brief: Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right. “If I tell them about the raise, they’ll immediately attribute it to the advice they gave a while back about how being assertive and clearly stating what you want yields positive results—there’s no way I’m giving them that satisfaction,” said Comers, who earlier this week requested a one-on-one meeting with her supervisor, directly asked for a pay increase, and within a matter of minutes received a bump in her salary, a course of action she had previously dismissed as futile and “completely ridiculous” when it was proposed by her mother and father during a phone call three weeks …










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News in Brief: Red Cross Installs Blood Drop-Off Bins For Donors’ Convenience

WASHINGTON—Expressing their hope that the new initiative would encourage more people to give, American Red Cross officials announced Friday that they had begun installing blood drop-off bins for donors’ convenience. “We realize that many people’s schedules prevent them from being able to visit their local Red Cross during normal business hours, so we’re introducing our new PlasmaGo donation bins, in which anyone can leave a few pints of blood any time they’re out and about,” said American Red Cross president Gail McGovern, adding that the 142-cubic-foot containers, which will soon be placed outside every Red Cross location in the country as well as in parking lots and street corners in major cities, will be available 24 hours a day for those who want to squeeze in a donation on the way to work or drop off some blood while running errands on the weekend. “All you …










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News in Brief: Frustrated Man Doesn’t Know What Else He Can Do To Get Cat Purring

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Growing increasingly exasperated by the animal’s indifference to his attempts at affection, local man Joe Dooney told reporters Friday that he didn’t know what else he could do to get his cat, Harvey, purring. “I tried scratching at his ears, gently stroking his tail, and rubbing the fur on his belly, but he’s giving me nothing,” said Dooney, adding that nuzzling the 3-year-old cat’s face and whispering “you’re my special little guy” also proved to be ineffective. “I put him on my lap and used both hands to scratch under his chin and pet his back at the same time, but all he did was lick my arm and go back to sitting there. Christ, I can’t get a goddamn peep out of him.” At press time, sources confirmed that the ungrateful little bastard had run off.










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Sports News in Brief: Scientists Warn Planet Cannot Support Growing Gronkowski Population

ARLINGTON, VA—Noting that they are reproducing at an alarming and unprecedented rate, researchers from the National Science Foundation warned Friday that the planet cannot continue supporting the rapidly growing population of Gronkowskis. “We are quickly approaching the point at which any more Gronkowskis will be utterly disastrous for all life on earth,” said leading researcher Rebecca Davies, adding that large groups of the enormous, powerful, and overly aggressive Gronkowskis have already overrun much of Massachusetts and are now spreading across the United States. “The planet simply doesn’t contain the resources necessary to sustain all these Gronkowskis, especially given the incredible amount of food they consume in a single day. This situation will soon be irreversible, and we as a society have to do something about it before it’s too late.” Davies added that she fully supports new measures to hunt Gronkowskis in rural parts of the country …










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