Those Close To Nation Say It Showed Dozens Of Warning Signs Leading Up To Massacre

WASHINGTON—A day after America’s deadliest mass shooting left at least 58 dead and more than 500 injured in Las Vegas, sources close to the nation confirmed Tuesday that it had showed dozens of warning signs leading up to the massacre. “Looking back, the U.S. had so many red flags that I’m unfortunately not at all surprised this tragedy took place,” said Nebraska resident Tyler Stout, who along with 325 million of his fellow citizens observed that the country had become increasingly isolated in recent years, often making other nations uncomfortable in its presence. “America clearly had some mental health problems, and it’s spent decades stockpiling guns and ammunition. And then there were all those crazy, unhinged rants it was constantly posting on social media. I mean, this country was just a ticking time bomb.” At press time, sources close to the nation said that perhaps …

Man Pretty Sure He Could Run This Company Into Ground Way Better Than Boss

BOSTON—Saying he had no idea how someone like his supervisor got the job in the first place, local marketing strategist Michael Perkins told reporters Monday that he could run the company into the ground way better than his boss. “Seriously, give me a chance, and I’ll tank this whole operation in a week,” said Perkins, 34, who has reportedly stood by and watched his boss mismanage the business for years despite knowing he could lose talent and miss valuable growth opportunities far better. “Sure, he’s incompetent, but we’d be hemorrhaging money and ruining our corporate reputation like never before if you put me in there. You just watch how fast I’d sink this ship.” At press time, Perkins had botched his third consecutive presentation and was hoping he’d taken a huge step toward being in charge.

Dreary, Passionless Couple Believes Your Soulmate Out There Too

BELLEVUE, WA—Offering reassurance that it would all work out in the end like it did for them, dreary, passionless couple Evan and Jennifer Schar confirmed on Tuesday that your soulmate was definitely out there somewhere. “Take it from two people who’ve been in your shoes: Just be patient and have an open heart, and I know you’ll meet the love of your life,” said the essentially celibate Evan Schar, mechanically patting the knee of the woman he has not had sexual relations with in almost five years. “All it takes is that one amazing person who makes you feel this way. And when you find each other, you’ll realize everything was just leading up to this amazing moment. Trust us.” The Schars, both of whom are reportedly too habituated to their lifeless routine to pursue the extramarital relationships they so desperately crave, went on to say …

Report: Only 1 In 3 Preschool Graduates Has Necessary Animal Sound Skills Upon Entering Zoo

SAN DIEGO—Saying their growling and howling proficiency was significantly lacking, a report released Tuesday by the University of California San Diego found that only 1 in 3 preschool graduates has the necessary animal sound skills upon entering a zoo. “Overall, just two thirds of these kindergarten-bound children can faithfully reproduce even the most basic vocalizations of the animals they’ll encounter at a zoo,” said lead author Drew Relman, adding that a mere 20 percent correctly beat their chests and grunted at a gorilla while only half even knew they were supposed to roar at a lion. “It’s startling to see how many of these children think it’s perfectly correct to neigh to the gazelles or chirp at the owls. If they have this much difficulty at a zoo, what chance do they have on a field trip to a farm?” Relman went on to say it …

CVS Limiting Opioid Prescriptions To Seven Days

To curb abuse, CVS announced it will limit opioid prescriptions to seven days, which research suggests helps patients avoid becoming dependent on the drugs. What do you think?

This Shooting Isn’t About Gun Control We Refuse To Pass, It’s About Access To Mental Health Care We’re Continuing To Gut

As our nation struggles to come to grips with the horrible tragedy in Las Vegas, it’s only natural for people to search for an explanation of how an atrocity like this could have happened and to call on their elected officials to take measures to prevent such terrible bloodshed from occurring again in the future. Unfortunately, however, we’ve seen enough of these incidents to know that some people will rush to blame firearms for this carnage and will demand that Congress enact sweeping gun restrictions, engaging in misguided efforts that completely miss the underlying reasons behind the violence we’re seeing.

The simple truth is, mass shootings like this aren’t about gun control we refuse to pass. They’re about access to mental health care that we will continue to gut.

You can already hear the calls from the left. In the aftermath of this mass murder …