American Voices: ‘Normal Barbie’ Updated To Include Scars, Acne, Cellulite

A year after introducing what the media has called “Normal Barbie,” a doll named Lammily with the height and weight proportions of an average 19-year-old girl, artist Nickolay Lamm has updated the doll to include an add-on pack of stickers sho…




Moron Stepfather Takes Care Of Child Who Doesn’t Have His Genetic Material

FALMOUTH, ME—Shaking their heads at the dense numbskull’s completely idiotic priorities, sources confirmed Friday that moron stepfather Jeffrey Ryan, 36, is taking care of a 3-year-old child who does not even possess his genetic material.




Gay Man Unaware He Focus Of Thousands Of Prayers

SANTA ROSA, CA—Oblivious to the fact that he was being held in the hearts of Christian congregations across the country, 36-year-old gay man Andrew Fitzpatrick reportedly went about his grocery shopping Friday fully unaware that he was currently the…





5 Million Illegal Immigrants To Realize Dreams Of Having Deportation Deferred

WASHINGTON—Saying that they had finally attained a life of slightly less uncertainty, 5 million of the nation’s illegal immigrants confirmed that the executive order announced by President Obama Thursday night would allow them to at last reali…




American Voices: NBC, Netflix Cancel Bill Cosby’s Return To TV Amid Rape Allegations

After decades-old allegations resurfaced and more women came forward this week with new accusations that comedian Bill Cosby had drugged and sexually assaulted them, NBC and Netflix announced they were canceling in-development projects with the 77-year…


Doctors Reveal Derrick Rose Injuries Leading To Incredible New Advancements In Orthopedic Surgery

CHICAGO—Saying that the 26-year-old’s body has necessitated cutting-edge medical treatment never before thought possible, leading doctors confirmed Thursday that Derrick Rose’s persistent injuries have led to groundbreaking advancements …




Temple University Receives Anonymous Donation To Build Center For Discrediting Rape Allegations

PHILADELPHIA—Stipulating that the funds be used for “furthering the invalidation of sexual assault claims wherever they occur,” an anonymous donation received Thursday by Temple University is reportedly intended to be used to build a cen…