American Voices: New Dietary Guidelines Met With Contention

The latest U.S. Dietary Guidelines have been released in a 570-page report recommending a diet high in fruits, vegetables, legumes, and seafood but low in red meat and sugars, suggestions that have angered various food lobbies who claim the guidelines are dictated by “outdated science.” What do you think?

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News in Brief: Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy. Sources confirmed that as Pollen waved the balloon around, the restaurant’s patrons—enjoying their soups and sandwiches or silently working on their laptops—were unknowingly teetering on the very knife’s edge of madness, their path to either continued tranquility or utter chaos to be determined by the pressure applied to a length of string by a pudgy, saliva-soaked finger. According to reports, the individual diners, couples, and groups of friends seated within shrieking distance of Pollen’s table appeared oblivious to the complete breakdown of social order …

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News: Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Through 2,500 years of recorded natural history, hundreds of thousands of hours of fieldwork, and the testing of innumerable hypotheses in regard to the mechanism by which avifauna reproduce, not one instance of bird sex has been reliably documented, photographed, or described, according to the biologists.

“We’ve spent considerable time and effort attempting to unravel the mystery of sex among bird populations, but unfortunately it remains one of the great unanswered questions in our field,” said ornithologist Daniel Abramson, who added that he has studied hundreds of bird species in habitats all across the globe, spending the bulk of his 28-year career staring through binoculars and crouched …

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Sports News in Brief: Furious Rick Pitino Adamant Media Trying To Tarnish Name Of Great Escort Service

LOUISVILLE, KY—Following the publication of a book alleging that a member of the school’s basketball department paid women to perform sex acts for recruits, furious University of Louisville head coach Rick Pitino told reporters Wednesday that the media was trying to tarnish the name of a great escort service. “No one, I repeat no one, in the Cardinals community has anything but good things to say about these ladies, and it’s absolutely shameful to see their names get dragged through the mud,” said an enraged Pitino, blasting news outlets for maliciously attacking the reputation of a highly regarded, hardworking escort service. “To say I’m disgusted and disappointed with the way the press has recklessly tried to cast aspersions on this escort service would be an understatement. Say what you will about me, I’m the coach of this team, but I won’t stand for the …

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American Voices: Chernobyl Site Now Safe Haven For Wildlife

Despite the 1986 Chernobyl disaster that displaced 120,000 people and rendered the surrounding area uninhabitable due to radiation, scientists have found that several mammal species within the exclusion zone are currently thriving, suggesting that wildlife was less harmed by this nuclear disaster than they are by everyday human encroachment. What do you think?

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News in Brief: Report: 55% Of Nation’s Granite Now Engraved With Names Of Victims

BERKELEY, CA—Confirming that it is now by far the most common use for the material, a report published this week by researchers at the University of California, Berkeley revealed that 55 percent of the nation’s granite is now engraved with the names of victims. “We found that most of the granite within the United States has been carved and polished into memorials identifying the victims of a violent incident,” said lead researcher Tara Winfield, adding that, for the first time ever, more granite was used for structures honoring those killed in shootings, bombings, and other murderous acts than for the headstones of individuals who had died of natural causes. “In fact, when you also take into account the granite that is incorporated into a memorial’s surrounding statuary or reflecting pools, there’s very little left of the stone for municipal construction projects, paving, or kitchen fixtures.” Winfield …

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News in Brief: Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers. “It’s weird that he’s the only one in a black polo when everyone else’s is blue—I don’t get it,” said puzzled shopper Ethan Kline, who dismissed the possibility that Larson worked for the store’s Geek Squad team by noting that the shirt still featured the regular yellow Best Buy logo on the front and not the orange Geek Squad logo. “I thought he was the supervisor at first, but then someone in a blue shirt came over and told him to help at the registers. If he’s just an ordinary employee helping out customers like everyone …

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Infographic: Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:

  • Pope Francis: Nominated for his tireless work in bringing attention to the marginalized and terminally ill Catholic Church
  • Mussie Zerai: The Eritrean priest and humanitarian brings some strong stats to the table with over 5,000 refugees saved and 5.2 peace-above-replacement value
  • Denis Mukwege: The gynecologist has been working to treat rape victims in Africa, which is really important, but the peace prize already did a women thing last year, so the odds are against him
  • Angela Merkel: Could enslave rest of Europe but has chosen not to
  • Juan Manuel Santos and Timoleon Jimenez: Favored by many oddsmakers, the Colombian president and FARC guerilla leader are backed by …

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