New Evidence Reveals Pythagoras Wrote Dozens Of Unhinged Conspiracy Theorems About Triangles

CAMBRIDGE, MA—A trove of recently unearthed documents dating back to the sixth century B.C. has revealed that the ancient Greek philosopher and mathematician Pythagoras wrote dozens of elaborate, unhinged conspiracy theorems pertaining to triangles, researchers announced Wednesday.

Upon examining a cache of papyrus scrolls found while excavating a site near the modern Italian city of Crotone, a team of historians and classical scholars at Harvard University discovered previously unknown writings by Pythagoras and others that suggest the philosopher was obsessed with proving triangles played a powerful but highly secretive role in the world he inhabited, controlling nearly every aspect of life.

“These conspiracy theorems shed new light on this historic figure, who was apparently suspicious of the fact that all triangles have interior angles adding up to 180 degrees, believing this was evidence that they were united in hiding some sort of covert agenda,” said Professor Janet Boisvert …

California Law Requires Pet Stores To Sell Rescue Animals

A new California law requires pet stores to exclusively sell animals from rescue shelters, imposing a $500 fine for each dog, cat, or rabbit for sale that is not a rescue. What do you think?

1-800-EAT-SHIT Finally Publishes Decades Of Reckless-Driving Data

NEW YORK—Releasing the records in hopes of reducing automobile accidents nationwide, 1-800-EAT-SHIT on Tuesday finally published decades of reckless-driving data. “These documents catalogue millions of reported moving violations from the sticker’s debut in 1987 and provide valuable information that hopefully will help keep everyone safer on the road,” said head researcher Lydia Cattalone, explaining that the reports based on the hotline calls, breaking down the frequency with which motorists forgot to signal, sped through toll booths, and cut other drivers off over a 30-year period, could potentially decrease automobile deaths by up to 15 percent. “When we first proposed the idea of a bumper sticker as a means of data collection, it was considered rather unorthodox, but it has paid off with a massive repository of vital information. We, of course, would like to thank all of our volunteer respondents, whose passionate and consistent reporting made the whole …

Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy. “After conducting an exhaustive, years-long examination of the donated brains of deceased former players across a wide range of ages, our team confirmed that nearly all of them are covered in slimy, wet goop,” said lead scientist Richard Hurley, who explained that, of the 202 organs studied, a staggering 199 were “all mushy and slippery” when held, with 163 leaving behind some sort of gunk on their laboratory examination gloves. “In more than two-thirds of these cases, the corpus callosum was identified as a common point of goo buildup, acting as a trench between the two hemispheres for the sticky brain juice to pool up. Consistent across the vast majority …

Aides Concerned Trump’s Mental Health Declining After President Admits He May Not Be Omnipotent Living God

WASHINGTON—Alarmed by the sudden change in his thinking and behavior, White House aides said Tuesday that they were concerned about President Trump’s declining mental health after he admitted he may not be an omnipotent living god. “The president has always been completely clearheaded about his status as the supreme being, so we naturally began to suspect something wasn’t right when he started openly doubting that he was the creator and eternal master of existence,” said Trump staffer Greg Fairfield, adding that he sincerely hoped that the president was just tired or under stress on those occasions when he second-guessed his status as an all-knowing, all-seeing divinity. “It’s just these little moments here or there where he mutters something like, ‘Maybe the universe didn’t spring forth from my essence,’ that make us worry he’s not quite there. I mean, that’s just not who he …