Frustrated Nation Calls For Updated Zip-Line Infrastructure

WASHINGTON—Offering vocal criticism of the aging transit network and its continued failure to meet their transportation needs, frustrated citizens nationwide are calling upon federal officials this week to at long last update the country’s obs…

Report: Nazi Treasure Hunters Following More Realistic Retirement Plan Than 86% Of Country

WASHINGTON—Noting that they are far more likely than their peers to have sufficient savings in their later years, a new study released Wednesday by the National Institute on Retirement Security confirmed that Nazi treasure hunters are currently foll…

Hillary Clinton Hints At Presidential Ambitions By Concealing Information From American People

WASHINGTON—Fueling further speculation this week that she has her sights set on the Oval Office, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is said to have hinted at her presidential ambitions by concealing a vast trove of information from the Americ…

American Voices: Campaign Pushes For Woman On $20 Bill

A new nonprofit called Women on 20s is advocating for changing the $20 bill by replacing the face of former president and Indian Removal Act signer Andrew Jackson with that of a woman such as Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, or Susan B.

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Bulls Executives Sickened By Replays Of Derrick Rose Getting Drafted

CHICAGO—Calling the video “stomach-turning” and “deeply upsetting,” members of the Chicago Bulls front office were visibly sickened Wednesday after seeing replays of Derrick Rose getting drafted.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the…