Amazon Issues Refunds For Counterfeit Eclipse Glasses

Warning that the items might not protect against permanent eye damage, Amazon has issued refunds to customers who purchased counterfeit eclipse glasses. What do you think?

Man Waiting To See How Few More Decades Of Racial Violence Play Out Before Taking Action

DES MOINES, IA—Saying he planned to hold off for another 20 or 30 years and then assess where things stand, local man Trevor Russell was reportedly waiting to see how a few more decades of racial violence played out before taking any action, sources confirmed Monday. “I think I’ll just sit back and take a long look at how institutionalized attacks against disenfranchised minority populations fall into place over the next couple generations before I really get involved,” said Russell, 34, adding that he would have a much fuller picture of how people of color were being systematically abused by then and thus be better prepared to take a stand. “Let’s see how all the violations of human rights unfold by 2040 or 2050 before I publicly commit to resisting bigotry and hatred. I don’t want to rush into anything without really having all the facts …

Charlottesville Suspect Might Have Received Tacit Support From High-Level Government Figure

WASHINGTON—Suggesting he did not act alone but with implicit backing at the highest levels, the FBI said Monday that the suspect charged with murder for ramming his car into a crowd of protesters in Charlottesville over the weekend may have received tacit support from a powerful U.S. government figure. “While James Alex Fields Jr. was the man behind the wheel, we have every reason to believe that he benefited from the quiet patronage of someone of great importance in the American executive branch,” said FBI director Christopher Wray, adding that the agency has for months suspected that white nationalists had an influential de facto ally in that arm of government and that recent events have only validated their theory. “Rather than openly declare common cause with U.S. neo-Nazi terrorist acts, we believe this official prefers to discreetly provide assistance from a removed position where he can operate …

Target ‘Dorm Room Essentials’ Aisle Being Browsed Exclusively By 30-Year-Old Men With Studio Apartments

SAN JOSE, CA—Searching for affordable items to furnish their modest single-room dwellings, the ‘Dorm Room Essentials’ aisle at a local Target was reportedly being browsed Monday exclusively by 30-year-old men with studio apartments. According to sources, the customers perusing the shelves for stackable storage containers and flimsy particle board coffee tables consisted solely of thirtysomethings living in efficiencies. Reports subsequently confirmed that every one of the individuals placing twin-size bedsheets, compact microwaves, and single matching navy blue towels and washcloths in their carts had graduated from college more than a decade ago. All of the men had, at press time, decided to swing by the food aisle on the way out to stock up on Cup Noodles, including a few who were, in fact, actually closer to 40.

Cleveland Browns Players Amazed By Star Rookie Comfortable Walking Around Shirtless

CLEVELAND—Generating an excited buzz throughout the first three weeks of training camp, Cleveland Browns coaches and players have been amazed by how comfortable star rookie defensive end Myles Garrett appears walking around shirtless, sources confirmed Monday. “In my eleven seasons here, we’ve never had a guy with this kind of confidence and swagger,” said left tackle Joe Thomas, noting that a stunned hush fell over the team on the first day of training camp as they stared at Garrett in absolute awe when he self-assuredly jogged out onto the field for warmups wearing nothing but mesh shorts. “He’s never given being shirtless a second thought, you can tell he’s just that fucking bold and poised. It’s incredible having somebody around who has no doubt they can pull off that off, and I know it’s starting to rub off on the other guys.” At press …

Study Casts Doubts On Health Benefits Of Pets

New research suggests pets might not actually confer health benefits on their owners, and that people who can afford pets are simply more likely to be healthy in the first place. What do you think?