News in Brief: Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks. “On projects like this, it would probably work better if you bring the design team in for the initial concept meeting with the client to avoid these kinds of complications later on, but I guess you would have known that if you had put even a minute of thought into it from the start,” said Crowell during a one-on-one meeting with one of his project managers, displaying his renowned skill for weaving together valid concerns and helpful pointers with belittling, hurtful jabs to produce a jarring mixture of advice and cruelty. “If I were you, I’d repurpose the basic framework instead of scrapping the …











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News in Brief: Report: Climate Change To Force People To Double Ice Cream Consumption Speed By 2050

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that these projections necessitate immediate action, a report released Thursday by the Environmental Protection Agency revealed that global climate change will force humans to double the speed of their ice cream consumption by the year 2050. “Should greenhouse gas emissions rise according to our current forecasts, the entire global population will need to adapt their ice cream eating habits to the resultant higher temperatures, or risk exposing themselves to sticky hands, faces, and clothing as scoops begin dripping with unprecedented quickness,” said the report’s lead author Amy Ellison, explaining that, within a single generation, humans will have no choice but to eschew any sort of cone and instead opt for a cup and spoon to better contain the faster-melting treat. “Unless we take the necessary steps to reduce CO2 emissions on a global scale, our fate is sealed: ice cream will have to be eaten hastily and …











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American Voices: Researchers: Drinking Water Doesn’t Prevent Hangovers

A new study of 800 Dutch students has concluded that neither drinking water nor eating fatty foods helps significantly ease hangover symptoms after consuming alcohol, emphasizing that the only way to avoid suffering a hangover is to drink less. What do you think?











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Sports News in Brief: Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts. “Look at all this—it’s disgusting,” a visibly repulsed Federer said while using his racket to swat a crumpled McDonald’s bag away from the baseline, pulling his shirt collar over his nose to block the court’s putrid stench that had only grown worse in the afternoon sun. “There’s broken glass all over the backcourt, and I stepped on a used condom when I was walking by the net. I’m pretty sure someone went to the bathroom over by the opposite service line too, because it absolutely reeks of piss over there.” Federer added that, despite the repugnant conditions, he is …











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News in Brief: God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth. “Oh, yeah, if I got a really good windup I bet I could chuck it four or five thousand light-years,” said God as He eyed the third planet from the Sun, adding that He could probably toss it right into the Pleiades star cluster with His eyes closed. “This thing weighs, what, 6 sextillion tons? With a running start, there’s no way I couldn’t get it past the Crab Nebula. Probably farther.” At press time, the Lord was loosening up His arm by lobbing Mercury and Venus into the nearby A0620-00 black hole.











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American Voices: Mt. McKinley To Be Renamed Denali

As part of his visit to Alaska this week, President Obama will officially change the name of Mt. McKinley back to its original and native name, Denali, a decision praised by Alaska residents who have long fought for the name reversal. What do you think?











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