News in Brief: Area Man, Woman Each Have Thorough List Of Why They Should Break Up On Standby

SALEM, OR—Saying their respective justifications were “good to go” whenever necessary, local couple Mark Wondrich, 25, and Cara Marshall, 27, reported Friday that they each have a comprehensive list of reasons why they should break up with the other on standby. “Things are actually going pretty well with Cara right now, but just in case it starts to go bad, I’ve got a dozen or so reasons why it’s best to call it quits on our relationship that I can pull out at a moment’s notice,” said Wondrich, just minutes after Marshall privately divulged to reporters her own mental catalog of well-thought-out arguments for terminating their relationship, which included Wondrich’s tendency to ignore her, her desire to move to a bigger city, and 10 other flaws that would serve as a compelling rationale for splitting up. “I might not need this list for a while …










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American Voices: Officials: Plane Wreckage Likely MH370

Officials are speculating that an airplane wing discovered off the coast of Reunion Island earlier this week could possibly belong to MH370, a Malaysia Airlines Boeing 777 aircraft that disappeared without a trace in March 2014. What do you think?










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News in Brief: Worker Who Forgot Email Attachment Expects Coworkers To Forgive Her Just Like That

UPPER DARBY, PA—In a shameless attempt to persuade colleagues to excuse her incompetent mistake, local account supervisor Casey Collins, who forgot to include an email attachment earlier today, apparently expected her coworkers to forgive her just like that, shocked sources confirmed. “She thinks she can carelessly leave out the document, follow up with the line ‘Sorry guys, here it is!’ and expect us to straight up forgive her? Unbelievable,” said coworker Marc Graham, glaring at the audacious message, which reportedly concluded with “my bad” in a final, desperate attempt to atone for the egregious error. “She’s lucky she remembered to attach the file so quickly afterward, but if she thinks that wiped the slate clean, then she is sorely mistaken. Maybe a few months from now, but just a couple minutes after she did something like this? No way.” At press time, sources confirmed that a number of …










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News in Brief: Anti-MDMA Campaign Warns Teens About Dangers Of Feeling More Connected To Others

ROCKVILLE, MD—Explaining that most young people mistakenly believe the popular drug to be safe for recreational use, officials from the National Institute on Drug Abuse unveiled a new anti-MDMA campaign Friday warning teens about the dangers of feeling deep emotional connections to others. “Too many of our nation’s children don’t realize that even a single dose of MDMA—or Molly, as it’s known—has the devastating potential to make users feel like they’re part of one big human family, connected to all those around them by a single cosmic thread,” said NIDA spokesperson June Kessler, who noted that 13- to 18-year-olds were especially at risk of succumbing to a profound warmth and admiration toward their peers that knows no bounds. “Teens need to know this isn’t just a benign party drug; it comes with serious consequences, and it can and will cause users to …










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American Voices: First Female NFL Coach Hired

Jen Welter, who starred as a linebacker for 14 years, mostly in the Women’s Football Alliance, and coached men in the Champions Indoor Football league, will join the Arizona Cardinals during training camp and the preseason as the NFL’s first female coach, a move roundly supported by players and fans alike. What do you think?










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