Experts Warn Against Eyeball Tattoo Trend

After a model took to social media to talk about her own botched eyeball tattoo, experts have warned against the practice, which can cause permanent damage, including blindness. What do you think?

White House: ‘This Is Not The Geologic Era To Debate Gun Control’

WASHINGTON—Deflecting questions in the aftermath of the mass shooting in Las Vegas that killed 59 people and injured over 500 more, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters Tuesday that this is not the geologic era in which to debate gun control. “Out of respect for the families of the victims, we’re going to hold off on engaging in discourse over the regulation of firearms for a few eons,” said Sanders, adding that it would be premature to discuss enacting any sort of policies to prevent mass shootings until the next ice age has set in, likely long after the extinction of the human race. “Once the nation has had time to properly grieve and the continents have completed millions of years of tectonic migration to collide into one supercontinent, then we can bring this issue to the table. However, until a new dominant species rules …

Man Worried Any Crazy Person Could Get Hands On Congressional Seat

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Feeling vulnerable in the wake of yesterday’s mass shooting in Las Vegas, local man Greg Farley was reportedly worried Tuesday that any crazy person could get their hands on a congressional seat. “It’s terrifying to think that House and Senate seats can be obtained by pretty much any maniac who meets a really easy minimum age requirement,” said Farley, 46, adding that when the Founding Fathers conceived Congress, they surely did not envision the kind of “disturbed and dangerous lunatics” who would seek out elected office or the massive power they would wield. “You can get your hands on one of these seats with no mental health assessment, no wait period, and no real training. It keeps me up at night knowing that some madman can just waltz in and get a seat, not to mention an even more powerful committee chairmanship. Unless we make …

John Cena Gets Argyle Wool Singlet Out From Cedar Chest In Preparation For AutumnSlam

TAMPA, FL—Moving aside the plastic tubs full of Christmas ornaments and cardboard boxes of old books stored in his attic, professional wrestler John Cena took out his brown argyle singlet from a cedar chest in preparation for AutumnSlam, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I always love when October comes around because I get to snuggle up in my warm, cozy singlet and utterly annihilate a couple close challengers,” said Cena while removing his favorite V-cut wrestling uniform from the moth ball-filled chest before pressing his nose against it and fondly recalling the unforgettable kick-outs and stepover toehold facelocks from AutumnSlams past. “Really, what’s better than going up to New England as the leaves start to change and jumping off the ropes with a fist drop to your opponent’s head? Man, I’m getting excited just thinking about the warm apple cider mist Triple H always spits out after entering …

A Timeline Of The Space Race

Sixty years ago this week, the USSR launched Sputnik 1, the world’s first manmade satellite, and set off an international competition for spaceflight supremacy. Here are the most important moments in the space race.