News: Six Flags Adds Sleeper Cars To Its Roller Coasters For Passengers Who Prefer More Restful Ride

GRAND PRAIRIE, TX—In an effort to accommodate passengers who wish to relax and get some rest during their ride, amusement park operator Six Flags confirmed Friday it had begun to add sleeper cars to all its roller coasters throughout North America.

According to company sources, the specially modified cars feature private compartments, polished brass lap-bar restraints, and plush seats that can be folded down into a sleeping berth, allowing passengers to slumber peacefully for the full one-to-four-minute duration of their ride.

“With our new sleeper cars, Six Flags guests can enjoy all the high-speed thrills of our roller coasters, yet still wake up feeling fully refreshed and energized afterward,” said company CEO James Reid-Anderson, who noted that the compartments feature more than four times the space of regular seats, providing ample room to stretch out for anyone who meets the minimum height requirements. “They’re the perfect option for …

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American Voices: Airplane Rains Down Human Waste On Teen’s Sweet 16 Party

A teenager from Levittown, PA celebrating her Sweet 16 party outdoors this week had her event ruined when a plane flying overhead emptied its human waste containers into the sky and feces rained down on the guests. What do you think?

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News in Brief: James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors. “I was going up for a rebound, and all of a sudden I heard this loud snap followed by a sudden rush of excruciating pain in the lower part of my beard,” said Harden, adding that he immediately rushed to the locker room clutching his rapidly swelling facial hair in both hands. “I’ve been icing it, but it doesn’t look like the inflammation is going down much, and it still hurts a lot whenever I try running my fingers through it. We’ll see how it feels for tomorrow’s game, but right now I’m just hoping that I don’t need offseason beard surgery …

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News in Brief: Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series. “Jon just got through a long and emotionally involved show, so I don’t understand why he’s so eager to settle into something new right away,” said friend Meredith Wagner, adding that Gember should take some time to decompress and reflect on the 92 episodes he enjoyed with Sons of Anarchy rather than immediately dive in with season one of The Shield. “He ended things with that old show earlier this week, but it sounds like he’s already caught up in this new one pretty bad. I keep telling him that he should slow things down, but …

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News: Matt Lauer Waits In Parking Garage For Anonymous Source On Parenting Trends

NEW YORK—Nervously checking his watch and glancing around the desolate underground parking garage in anticipation, The Today Show host Matt Lauer was reportedly waiting for an anonymous source with inside knowledge of the latest parenting trends during the early morning hours Thursday.

Reports indicate that Lauer had planned a secret meeting at 2 a.m. with his unidentified parenting source in the lowest level of a parking facility on East 50th Street, where on several previous occasions he had received classified information on half-birthday parties, breastfeeding selfies, and multilingual nannies.

“She’s late,” said Lauer, looking around the dimly lit garage for the anonymous informant known only by the pseudonym “Crafty Mom,” who had reportedly provided him with vital details about sneaking vegetables into a child’s diet by encouraging them to use peppers and tomato slices to make their own smiley-face miniature pizzas. “I need to know if …

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American Voices: Middle School Teacher Arrested For Allowing Students To Have Sex In Classroom

A middle school teacher in Georgia has been arrested for allegedly allowing students to schedule times to have sex in the storage closet of the classroom, informing them when it would be free to use and providing condoms in some cases. What do you think?

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