Sports News in Brief: ‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating. “Based on the way they keep smiling at each other, it’s pretty obvious something’s going on there,” said Athens, GA resident Paul Nevins, 37, adding that the hosts were openly flirting with each other throughout the “Top 10 Plays” countdown, with Barrie at one point mentioning how cute Anderson looked in his suit today. “They must have taken a trip to Florida together, because they couldn’t stop bringing up some weekend getaway during a segment on the Marlins. Then when Anderson threw to Barrie before the next story, I swear I heard him say, ‘Thanks, honey.’ I’m pretty sure they’re playing footsie underneath that SportsCenter …










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News in Brief: Female Friend Group Fails In One Duty Of Providing Good Gynecologist Recommendation

CHICAGO—Completely embarrassing themselves in a pitiful display of collective ineptitude, a group of five female friends who gathered for happy hour Monday reportedly failed in their sole duty of providing a recommendation for a good gynecologist when asked for one by a new acquaintance who had recently moved to the area. “Yeah, I can’t really think of anyone,” said local woman Mary Goertz, echoing the sentiment of the four other total fuckups who, instead of completing the simple task of producing the name and location of a dependable women’s health specialist in their city, completely shit the bed and floundered around like useless imbeciles. “I think my coworker has a decent one. Maybe you should check online reviews or something.” At press time, a group of female friends at a nearby table who had overheard the conversation put the total failures in their place by serving up …










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News in Brief: Scientists Find Human Vocal Cords Developed Over Millennia To Lower Voice When Speculating On Acquaintance’s Sexual Orientation

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Tracing the unique behavior back to the dawn of civilization, researchers at Monash University announced Wednesday that lowering one’s voice to discuss a person’s sexual orientation is a physiological trait that evolved in humans over thousands of years. “The fossil record shows the human larynx completing a transformation around 11,000 years ago, which coincides with the time period when Homo sapiens appear to have begun speculating about their fellow clan members’ sexual preferences in fevered whispers,” said Dr. Raif Gonzales, who added that evidence from archaeological sites in the Indus valley suggests that, around this time, ancient humans developed the ability to gather in small groups to privately discuss their friends and neighbors, sneak glances over their shoulders, and drop their voices to a hushed, barely audible level when intoning the word “gay.” “Recently unearthed fragments of skull bones suggest eyebrow-raising evolved during this period …










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News in Brief: Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported. “One second I was having a pleasant round of beers with friends, and the next we were surrounded on all sides by these frightening women in identical pink and white regalia who were wildly waving their feather boas in our faces—it all happened so fast,” said visibly traumatized customer Lee Gangridge, who reportedly hid in a corner booth as over a dozen young stiletto-clad women sporting the same glittery sashes, phallic plastic necklaces, and sparkling tiaras seized control of the entire line of barstools. “One of them was clearly their leader—she was wearing all white and had a pink tulle veil clipped into her hair to signify her rank. And when her favorite song came …










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Sports News in Brief: No One Seems To Know Guy Leaning Against Batting Cages Giving Hitting Advice

MADISON, WI—Saying that he is constantly offering words of encouragement and various pointers on maintaining a proper stance, sources confirmed Tuesday that no one at Damen’s Sports Complex appears to know a middle-aged man leaning against the batting cages giving people hitting advice. “At first, I thought the kid in the cage was his son, but he left a while ago and this guy is still standing there telling people to choke up on the bat and step into the ball more,” said local 24-year-old Anthony Wilson, adding that the stranger has enthusiastically clapped his hands and shouted “There you go, nice cut!” whenever a batter has made good contact with the ball. “Whoever he is, he definitely doesn’t work here, but he doesn’t seem to be waiting in line to bat either. He kept telling me to rotate my hips more when I swing and …










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News in Brief: Hundreds Of Cheap, Generic Doorstops Flood Market After DoorBlocker Patent Runs Out

DETROIT—Free to produce generic versions of the product after DoorBlocker’s 20-year patent ran out last month, hundreds of businesses have begun distributing cheap, off-brand doorstops to retail outlets nationwide, industry analysts confirmed Tuesday. “Now that anyone can manufacture a doorstop without fear of legal challenges from the DoorBlocker company, we can expect the market to be flooded with tons of these low-cost knockoffs of the original door-impeding device,” said market researcher Paul Holbloom, naming brands like DoorHalt, SwingLock, PropStop, and Wedge as being among those that have gone on sale in just the past few weeks. “It’s likely DoorBlocker will keep some of its most loyal customers, but I expect that in the future we’ll see many opting for doorstops that are more economical and less of a status symbol.” Holbloom added that the expiration of DoorBlocker’s patent would have no effect on the sizable …










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News: Researchers Say Virgin Mary Actually God’s Second Choice To Bear Son

NEW HAVEN, CT—In a startling discovery that sheds new light on the woman Christians revere as the mother of their Lord and Savior, researchers at Yale Divinity School announced Monday that the Blessed Virgin Mary was in fact God’s second choice to bear His only son.

A nearly 2,000-year-old Aramaic scroll unearthed last month in Nazareth reportedly describes a peasant woman named Erica with whom God is thought to have entered into a relationship around 5 BC, hoping that in her womb His divine essence might take on human form.

“According to this ancient text, when God first broached the idea of a child, Erica broke down and told Him she just wasn’t ready for the Incarnation of the Messiah,” theology professor Michael T. Freyland said of the parchment found in a cave near the Church of the Annunciation, the site at which the archangel Gabriel …










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