TOLLAND, CT—Responding with lightning-quick reflexes to her dinner guest’s proposal, area mother Linda McGregor reportedly grabbed a 10-inch chef’s knife Thursday night and held it up to the throat of family friend Diane Wallace following her offer to help with the dishes. “Say one more thing about clearing the table or putting the dishes in the dishwasher, Diane, and I’ll gut you like a fish,” said the 56-year-old, intently staring into Wallace’s eyes as she pressed the blade just firmly enough against the woman’s neck for it to draw a single bead of blood. “Pour yourself another glass of red wine and just forget all about these dirty plates, the used silverware, or any of the pots and pans. Because if you even so much as step foot in the kitchen while I’m cleaning up, the next thing you’ll see—the last …
SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50. “The Super Bowl is the biggest sporting event in the world, and we are working closely with Levi’s Stadium to ensure that the turf’s bottomless pit will not be an issue come game time,” NFL field director Ed Mangan said of the 14-foot-diameter hole situated near the 40-yard line, adding that the risk of a player accidentally slipping and being lost forever in an infinite black void is “something the league takes very seriously.” “We certainly want to avoid another incident like the one earlier this season when [St. Louis Rams safety] T.J. McDonald fell into …
SANTA CRUZ, CA—His pulse still racing following the conclusion of the five-minute anecdote, local man Luke Weaver, 30, told reporters Friday that listening to a fellow partygoer’s story about how she started making earrings out of Scrabble tiles was even more intense and spellbinding than he imagined it would be. “When she first mentioned that she likes to make her own jewelry, I knew I was in for one wild ride, but wow, I could have never predicted all the riveting twists and turns it would take,” said Weaver, who recounted a particularly mesmerizing portion of the tale in which the woman initially struggled with, but eventually mastered, punching holes in the tiles. “You wouldn’t believe the things she can do with those tiles: customize the letter combos; apply paint to give them some color. It’s absolutely insane. Beginning to end, she had me on the …
DURHAM, NH—Delivering an impassioned statement Friday during a campaign stop at Lou’s Diner, Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie reportedly described the jihadist militant group ISIS as a “grave, towering, meaty threat” to the United States while staring intently at a customer’s corned beef sandwich. “They are a violent, hateful, mouthwateringly delicious force that’s stacked high throughout the Middle East,” said Christie, licking his lips and promising the restaurant patron that the savage, savory extremists “wouldn’t last 30 seconds” under his administration. “These salt-cured, thinly sliced, melt-in-your-mouth radicals want nothing more than to force the world to live under strict, melty Swiss cheese. Well, let me tell you: When I’m president, I won’t stop until we get those thick-cut rye bread fundamentalists in our hands, squeeze them down, and finish off every last brutal, succulent morsel of that delectable menace, reducing their terror network …
MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority. “I just can’t stand the obnoxious way he plays and how he showboats after every touchdown, and I’d feel that way regardless of whether he was black, Hispanic, or Middle Eastern,” said Willet, adding that Newton having the skin color of any other minority group wouldn’t lessen his intense dislike for the quarterback’s sideline antics and flashy, arrogant demeanor. “The fact that he’s black has nothing to do with it. If he was a Mexican guy dancing all over the field after first downs and posing for the camera, I’d hate him just as much.” Willet added that he would …
Here are answers to common questions about the Zika virus, which the World Health Organization recently declared an international public health emergency:
Q: What is the Zika virus?
A: The subject of your mother’s next phone call to you.
Q: How is the Zika virus transmitted?
A: The virus is primarily transmitted through sexual contact with mosquitoes.
Q: Who is at risk of being infected by the Zika virus?
A: You; your loved ones.
Q: Where can the Zika virus be contracted?
A: The virus will likely remain confined to Central and South America unless people in other parts of the world start having sex or going outside.
Q: How contagious is Zika?
A: The infection is easily spread through the dozens of alarmist articles about Zika posted online each hour.
Q: Do I have Zika?
Q: Has the government issued any alerts about Zika?
A: The …
Microsoft’s Project Natick will soon begin building massive data centers underwater, which will potentially allow for faster internet across major coastal cities and prevent the systems from overheating. What do you think?