5 Universal Truths of New Motherhood

Motherhood is a unique journey for each of us. And by “unique,” I mean pretty much exactly the same for everyone. This explains the otherwise unfathomable popularity of baby forums, where 8,000 women can log on and ask a variation of the question, “Why is my baby trying to ruin my life by never sleeping for more than 25 consecutive minutes?” and that question will yield 16,000 responses, because each member will want to weigh in at least twice for the sake of camaraderie. This is because it is a universal truth of new motherhood that sleep deprivation will make you want to knock yourself unconscious (banging your head against the wall works well for this) so you can get some blessed down time.

I was recently talking to a friend of mine who is also a new mom, and she, with no small degree of incredulity, said, “You know, all those things people tell you about being a new mom are actually true!” Those things that you heard and quickly dismissed as being not-applicable to yourself and your unborn child. Once the baby arrives, you’re all, “That wasn’t exaggerated?! What in the!?!? Did everyone know this?!? And if so, why are there so many new children in the world?”

While of course your individual experiences will vary somewhat (i.e., your baby’s sh*t might get on your pants or it might get on your shirt), the common denominator of sh*t cannot be avoided. The thing is, there are some universal truths to new parenthood, and it’s in everyone’s best interest to get comfortable with this notion right out of the gate. And by gate, I think it’s clear I mean vagina.

Here we go:

1. While you will love your child with all of your heart, you will also most passionately feel this love when your child is sleeping.
If you think about it, it would make more sense to get a doll, since dolls and sleeping babies are pretty much the exact same thing, except that you can leave dolls in your car while you run into Target without the fear of police involvement.

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2. However disgusted you are at the secretions of other people’s children, when it comes to your own child, you will mindlessly roll around in her bodily fluids with the reckless abandon of a raccoon on spring break.
My baby sh*t out an entire banana the other day, and I was so distracted that it didn’t even occur to me not to slather it on my own hands in a kind of impromptu lotion. You are now disgusting to other people, but you don’t give a sh*t on account of the fact that the last time you slept was in 1985, best you can recall.

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Yes, this is a photo of when my baby sh*t ON MY SHIRT while we were out to dinner.

3. You will do whatever you’ve got to do to get by.
Think you would never co-sleep? Tell me your opinion on that after stumbling into the nursery like a partially blind and legally drunk sailor for the 50th time in a week. One hundred percent sure you’ll breastfeed? Let’s have this discussion three weeks into cracked nipples and after two bouts of mastitis. Think you will bathe your kid every day? How about after the sixth time he’s peed on his own face? That’s your new standard. Confident that you will always use a car seat for your baby? Well, actually, you should definitely do that one.

4. You really cannot get sh*t done when you have a baby.
I know you might think you can. That would be incorrect. I know that prior to having your baby, you had visions of catching up on a series of long-neglected organizational (and perhaps even crafting!) projects in between reading Anna Karenina and writing your autobiography. You planned on having the time to do all of this because the laundry and dishes would take like an hour MAX and then, well, with the baby napping so often the rest of the day would be WIDE OPEN!

The truth is, you will spend vast quantities of your time on tasks so mindless that when you’re asked what you did all day, you will have to conclude that you were lobotomized, because for the life of you you have no goddamn idea how you spent all those hours. You certainly do not have anything concrete to display to prove how you spent the day. [Tip: It is helpful to keep your Facebook page open, so you can count how many times you “liked” videos on cats or commented on “Open Letters” (speaking of, when did Open Letters become so popular? Dear God, interweb users, you can make a point without an Open Letter!). Regardless of how little your baby seems to be actually doing, you will be doing even less. Your life is now a show about nothing. No pair has been this unproductive since Jerry Seinfeld met George Costanza.

5. Meeting and befriending other new moms is like dating other temporarily mentally unstable people.

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It’s Tinder meets Girl, Interrupted, but with plumper lead actresses. Finding mom friends with babies the same age as your own who are available for mid-day socializing is more stressful than finding a mate. Now the stakes are REALLY HIGH because you are so hormonal that without proper social support, you will end up in the fetal position in your disorganized nursery, and who knows who will watch your baby? (Note: This is another reason to consider just getting a doll. Although it is hard to make a pitch to be a stay-at-home mom to a doll, so factor that in when considering your options.)

What “Universal Truths” did you discover once you had kids? This list is not comprehensive, because, let’s be honest, I need to get back to my queue of cat videos. They’re really piling up.

A version of this post originally appeared on BLUNTmoms.

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You’d Be Screaming Too If You Were Nothing But Teeth (VIDEO)

This should be the new Wilhelm scream.

In a video uploaded to YouTube Sunday, a mouth with teeth becomes self-aware, realizing that — unlike other humans — it is without a body and therefore missing all of its other fun parts. So what else is there to do but yell and curse the gods?

“Kill me!” it screams in its native language, which sounds a lot like “HYAAANGH!”

Don’t act like you aren’t going to watch the video multiple times. Here at HuffPost Weird News, we’ve already contributed about 50 views.

H/T Reddit

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Blake Shelton And Miranda Lambert ‘Divorce Drama’ Made Up By Magazine

“Blake Shelton’s drunken antics have wife Miranda Lambert ready to dump her partying hubby in a $40 million divorce drama!” claims the National Enquirer in a new, completely false report. Gossip Cop can debunk the story.


Student Sent Home For Dressing Up As Christian Grey

LONDON (AP) — Thousands of British students mark World Book Day by going to school in costume as their favorite fictional characters. But one 11-year-old found himself in a bind when he dressed as Christian Grey, the S&M-loving billionaire hero of erotic thriller “50 Shades of Grey.”

Teachers at Sale High School in northwestern England sent Liam Scholes home Thursday after deeming his suit, accessorized with cable ties and an eye mask, unacceptable.

liam scholes

The school said Friday that the decision “reflects the school’s high standards in terms of student behavior, welfare and safeguarding.” It said Liam returned once he had “modified” his costume.

Liam’s mother, Nicola Scholes, defended the costume, saying children knew who Grey was from media coverage. She said Liam “walked into school yesterday and every child knew who he was.”


Mo’Nique Still Loves Lee Daniels Enough To Want To Work With Him

Mo’Nique is at the center of her biggest press blitz since winning Best Supporting Actress at the Oscars five years ago. But don’t call it a comeback just yet: The attention rose out of her supposed feud with “Precious” director and “Empire” co-creator Lee Daniels.

Not that any controversy has turned Mo’Nique sour. During our interview, the 47-year-old was engaging and kind (she closed the phone call by saying, “Thank you, my sweet baby”), and insisted on clearing up the fracas that began three weeks ago when Mo’Nique said that Daniels informed her she was “blackballed” by Hollywood for “not play[ing] ball.” (He was alluding to Mo’Nique’s refusal to campaign for her 2010 Oscar and her not having thanked the “Precious” producers, or Daniels, during her acceptance speech.)

That remark ignited a firestorm that escalated with Daniels’ response and Mo’Nique’s claim that she’d been offered Taraji P. Henson’s celebrated role on the Fox hit “Empire.” Co-creator Danny Strong refuted Mo’Nique’s claims, while others — including “Moesha” co-star Sheryl Lee Ralph and “Precious” co-star Gabourey Sidibe — have extended the alleged tiff’s shelf life with additional comments.

But Mo’Nique wasn’t the least bit rattled when we discussed the forthcoming “Blackbird,” which she and husband Sidney Hicks produced. In it, she plays a devout mother who flies into a fit after discovering her teenage son is gay. Mo’Nique told HuffPost Entertainment about portraying bad moms, her precipitous media frenzy and her only regret about winning that Oscar.

This script, like “Precious,” is heavy on social issues. Was that part of what attracted you?
Definitely. It’s a story that we know very well. When we received that script from Isaiah Washington, we said, “It’s time.” To be able to be a part of something that could change people’s hearts and minds is an honor.

Your character struggles with her teenage son’s sexuality. Would there have been a breaking point where you might say you’d rather not depict such prejudices?
No, because it’s hard to see yourself until you see it elsewhere. There are those parents that still exist that don’t ever accept it. Sometimes you don’t see yourself and it takes you watching it to say, “Oh, my God, that’s me. Am I damaging my child like that? Am I letting my baby go to bed every night feeling like she’s unloved?” Sometimes we have to see it to understand, “Is that what it is that I’m doing?” So when you say, “Would I have still done it?” Yes! And I would have tried to do it to the best of my ability to say to those people, “Look! Look at what’s happening when you act this way.”

As a mother yourself, is it hard to step into abusive roles like these?
As a mother myself, and when [director Patrik-Ian Polk] says “action,” I want to make sure I give that mother her just due. Even with “Precious,” people were like, “Did you have to be deprogrammed?” It’s like, when Lee said “cut,” we were having a good time. It was only for that moment. When you know you’ve got to slap your child or spit on your child, it’s in that moment. You just do it.

Are you tired of answering questions about whether you were blackballed?
I think it’s a very important conversation that must be had. It is no different from this movie “Blackbird,” because you’re telling people, “Shhhh, be quiet, you don’t want to speak out loud, because people might think differently of you. People might treat you differently.” I will say this: If Sylvester, who I just think is one of the greatest entertainers who ever lived, had sat down and not been Sylvester, the world would never have seen that beautiful talent. When you say, “Am I tired of it?” By no means, because it has to be said. You have to ask yourself, “Do you walk around in fear? Or is it more fearful to be silent?”

Even if you weren’t blackballed, we haven’t see you on the big screen since “Precious.” Why is that?
The offers that were coming in were lower than the offers I received before I won the Oscar award.

You mean financially?
Yes, financially lower. [Monique has said she earned $50,000 for “Precious.”] And it just didn’t make sense. I want to be clear about something else, too: I didn’t come to Hollywood to be an actress. I came to Hollywood to be a talk-show host. Acting just fell into my lap, so though I appreciate it and I have a lot of fun, it just has to make sense for me to do it. I have to really like it. So I’m not that actress who says, “I studied acting.” I didn’t. I loved being a talk-show host and a stand-up comedian, and with the acting, for the parts that I’ve been given, I’m very appreciative of every last one of them because they didn’t have to pick me. However, it doesn’t mean that I would say, “Oh, I’ve just got to go do something to act.” My baby is a talk-show host. My baby is a stand-up comedian. So when you see me act, it just makes sense. When I did the piece with HBO coming out May 16, the movie “Bessie,” which stars Queen Latifah, I didn’t believe I’m blackballed or blacklisted. HBO played the system fairly. For eight days with HBO, I made more doing a studio movie than I’ve made ever, and that’s after winning an Oscar. It’s interesting — HBO said, “You know what, we want to act fairly.” I don’t believe everyone’s caught up in, “You’ve got to play the game, you’ve got to play the game.” It’s like, you know what, guys, we want to play a fair one. “When you accept the talent, this is what we believe we can offer.” It was a fair offer and we had a great time, so you’ll see me on HBO on May 16.

Now there’s speculation that Fox executives said you’re difficult to work with. Does that disappoint you?
You know, it doesn’t disappoint me because I haven’t heard Fox say that. That came from Mr. Daniels. I can’t be disappointed in Fox for anything because it’s hearsay. It came from someone else; it’s just what it is. What I will say is, when you ask someone about things that they know are not true, I’m not the type of person that will just sit down and be quiet and allow you to do that. There are so many people that sit down and be quiet, and they will suffer in silence. I just refuse to be silent when you say that “Mo’Nique is demanding,” “Mo’Nique is difficult.” But you never say, “Well, what were her demands? And what was she difficult in?” Those questions have never been asked. We’ll just accept it and we’ll just put it out there. See, for me, you’ve got to explain what you’re saying. If you’re going to accuse me of something, you have to explain what it is that you’re accusing me of.

Do you maintain that you were indeed offered the role of Cookie on “Empire”? Danny Strong has questioned whether it’s true.
My baby, not only do I know Danny Strong didn’t question it. He tweeted out a statement saying, “Mo’Nique was never offered it.” And as I said on “Access Hollywood,” “Guys, I have that email to show those communications.” The one thing I am not, I am not a liar. I take pride in the character of who I am, and I take pride in my integrity. So I’m not pulling anything out of the air. People want to make this a competition. “Is it Taraji? Is it Mo’Nique?” Taraji is my girl, and I’m so happy and proud of my sister. She is the best and baddest Cookie that the world could ever see. However, it has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with, “Mr. Daniels, you’re putting my character in a place where people could question me, and you and I know, along with my husband Sidney, that those aren’t the right conversations you’re putting out there.” Now, for Mr. Strong, I understand why he’s doing what he’s doing, because he’s believing his friend. His friend, Mr. Daniels, says, “We didn’t offer Mo’Nique those things.” Well, he’s going to be supportive of his friend and his business partner, and I respect people like that. Whereas I say to Mr. Strong, “Will you speak as loudly when you find out that you’re incorrect?”

After all of this, would you work with Lee Daniels again?
I could work with Lee Daniels tomorrow. I have no animosity toward my brother at all. I love that guy. I just can’t allow you to put things out there that could upset opportunities with things that you know aren’t true.

Do you have any regrets about your decisions before winning the Oscar, while giving your acceptance speech or what you did in regards to the Oscar after winning it?
You know, the only thing I would change is, the night that I won the Oscar, Sidney and I went to Uncle Andre’s BBQ. And I ate that barbecue before I went to bed. I went to bed with that barbecue on my chest and in my stomach, and, baby, I paid a price for that. The only thing I regret is when I ate that barbecue that night.

Was that your after-party?
That was our after-party. We went home to our baby. I’m a married woman with a family. And when my children say to me, “You’re the best mommy in the world,” amen. That’s the greatest trophy or award I could ever receive.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

“Blackbird” opens April 24.


<em>The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel</em>: A Movie Review

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Aaron Paul Is Hopeful Jesse Pinkman Will Appear On ‘Better Call Saul’

“Better Call” someone to help you calm down after this.

Aaron Paul is pretty much all for making an appearance in AMC’s “Breaking Bad” spinoff. While talking with Variety about a possible cameo, the actor said, “We always have fun having that discussion, Vince [Gilligan], myself, Peter [Gould], the writers, we just have no idea how that would happen. But hopefully one day.”

“Better Call Saul” has already featured a number of “Breaking Bad” returns, including its star Bob Odenkirk, Jonathan Banks and (spoiler alert) Raymond Cruz as drug dealer Tuco.

Though Paul is clearly in interested in reprising his role as Jesse Pinkman, fans may need to be a little patient. The actor previously told HuffPost, “There’s no plan of Jesse or Walt making an appearance in the first season of ‘Better Call Saul.’ [But] who knows? Maybe in the future seasons.”

Image: Giphy

H/T Variety


ReThink Review: <i>The Hunting Ground</i> — Sexual Assault and the Colleges That Won’t Stop It

Director Kirby Dick and producer Amy Ziering’s documentary about sexual assault in the military, The Invisible War, was deservedly nominated for the Best Documentary Oscar in 2013. Now the duo is back with The Hunting Ground, a documentary about sexual…