Check Out This Dad’s Hilarious Hack For Christmas Shopping With A Baby

The holiday season is a busy time for parents. But How to Dad’s Jordan Watson has a simple hack to ease the madness. 
In his new video, “How To Go Christmas Shopping With A Baby,” Watson presents his technique for navigat…

The holiday season is a busy time for parents. But How to Dad’s Jordan Watson has a simple hack to ease the madness. 

In his new video, “How To Go Christmas Shopping With A Baby,” Watson presents his technique for navigating the big mall crowds without losing his daughter. 

Hint: It involves balloons. 

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Sperm Count: Should You Give Your Child Viagra?

Remember those films they used to show you about cavities when you were a kid. The teeth were pictured as white knights who were in danger of being attacked by decay. The result was like one of those medieval pageants where the crusades are reenacted. …

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Remember those films they used to show you about cavities when you were a kid. The teeth were pictured as white knights who were in danger of being attacked by decay. The result was like one of those medieval pageants where the crusades are reenacted. But what about bringing awareness of other maladies to the young? We have all read about the tragic consequences of children being administered anti-depressants, but perhaps there are other conditions and medications that are more appropriate for tots.Why not for instance create a film for toddlers about the dangers of impotence? You may have seen the commercials on television about back pain. There’s one were a dog comes up to his owner with a leash in his mouth and a plaintive look in its eye, except we know that dog won’t be walked until the owner gets a spine job. What about a similarly morose looking older man who’s suffering from erectile dysfunction? In his case instead of a dog appearing with a leash in its mouth, it’s a woman who appears in front of the older fellow wearing a negligee and heels, her lips painted with garish red lipstick. Like the dog she’s hot to trot, but her owner doesn’t feel the same way. Children should be warned about the dangers of dreaded erectile dysfunction (an ailment that strikes approximately 30 million men in America and doesn’t make America great) in the same way that they learn about tooth decay and the best way to demonstrate its effects is through animations which show blood flowing into a penis that slowly becomes swollen and hard. Soon however, unconscious oedipal residues begin to appear as little comic book bubbles. These might include depictions of fighting parents or other traumatic events from childhood. Anti-depressants might not be necessary or advisable for infants, but in a age where there are pills that seem to have solutions for everything, why not introduce children’s-sized doses of Viagra or Cialis? Then every time your two year old has an intimation he’s losing his mojo, he’ll get used to taking the same steps that Dad does when the woman in his life shows up with a leash in her mouth.

{This was originally posted to The Screaming Pope, Francis Levy’s blog of rants and reactions to contemporary politics, art and culture}

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Stevie Wonder And Wonder Woman’s Rap Battle Is Legendary

Who’s the better rapper: a superhero or a Motown legend?
Wonder no more.
Epic Rap Battles of History pits Wonder Woman against Stevie Wonder, and it’s up to us to declare the winner.
In one choice exchange, Stevie Wonder (…

Who’s the better rapper: a superhero or a Motown legend?

Wonder no more.

Epic Rap Battles of History pits Wonder Woman against Stevie Wonder, and it’s up to us to declare the winner.

In one choice exchange, Stevie Wonder (T-Pain) sings, “I’m the ceremony master blaster with the bars, and I got more Grammys than your panties got stars.” To which Wonder Woman (Lilly Singh) retorts: “Well I’m a woman who wonders what you’re thinking, some of your records make me wish you started drinking.”

Stevie even mocks Wonder Woman’s transportation.

Wouldn’t it be nice if he had just said, “Isn’t she lovely. Isn’t she wonderful.”

Check out the entire battle above.

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Trevor Noah: Trump Charging Secret Service For Rent Is ‘A D**k Move’

It is still unknown exactly how much money Donald Trump has, but it’s pretty obvious he plans to make more while in the White House.
On Monday’s “The Daily Show,” host Trevor Noah pointed out how the president-elect seem…

It is still unknown exactly how much money Donald Trump has, but it’s pretty obvious he plans to make more while in the White House.

On Monday’s “The Daily Show,” host Trevor Noah pointed out how the president-elect seems to be more interested in making business deals rather than getting ready to be leader of the free world.

“Trump is like, ‘Now that I’m president, I can finally be a successful businessman!’” Noah said.

Trump could get richer while in office thanks to the Secret Service, which is considering spending $1.5 million of taxpayer money to rent an entire floor in Trump Tower that will be used as a command post to protect Trump and his family when in New York.

“That’s kind of a dick move. You’re going to charge rent to the people who are there to keep you alive?” Noah said. “You know if one [of the agents] takes a bullet for Trump, he’s probably going to charge them for his dry cleaning bill.”  

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National Guard Will Be Deployed to Every U.S. Family’s Thanksgiving Dinner

As protests continue in the wake of Donald Trump’s election as President, plans have been made for deploying the National Guard to every United States family’s Thanksgiving Day dinner, in order to prevent inevitable violence. “This is the emergency sit…

As protests continue in the wake of Donald Trump’s election as President, plans have been made for deploying the National Guard to every United States family’s Thanksgiving Day dinner, in order to prevent inevitable violence. “This is the emergency situation members of the Guard have been preparing for since Trump won the nomination,” said Brick Uttelstatt, spokesperson/Armageddon advisor for the Georgia National Guard. “Liquor, an assortment of carving tools, and politically opposed relatives who don’t want to be in the same room under the best circumstances will be a particularly dangerous mix this November 24th.”

Across the country, Guard and Reserve members have engaged in a variety of drills to prepare themselves for the ugliness awaiting them. For some, it’s a reminder of similar events from Thanksgivings past. “I still have flashbacks to when I was called in after Obama got elected in 2008,” remembers a still-shaken Colonel Bradley Skeltmonn.

“My unit was sent to a beautiful 1810 Southern Colonial house in Georgia. The family was talking, eating, watching Tennessee crush the Lions. And then, someone said McCain was out of touch and all hell broke loose. I did two tours in Fallujah, but I never saw anything that compares to what happened at that dinner table. The last thing I remember is the patriarch gutting his own son with a Hamilton Beach Electric Knife and ramming a drumstick down his throat, yelling, ‘Community organizer! Community organizer!'”

Skeltmonn concluded, “I lost a lot of good men that day. And Thanksgiving next week is going to make that day look like a fucking picnic.”

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Destructive Children

I always want to lose my shit when I walk into someone’s house and it is immaculate with white furniture and breakable decor below waist level…AND they have young children. HOW? HOW?! HOW?!?! My home looks more like a frat house or fight club loc…

I always want to lose my shit when I walk into someone’s house and it is immaculate with white furniture and breakable decor below waist level…AND they have young children. HOW? HOW?! HOW?!?! My home looks more like a frat house or fight club location than it does a clean, safe environment for children (let alone a home that any respectable adult would host other respectable adults in).
There are holes in the walls from jumping and ramming furniture into the drywall. Cabinet faces are missing from the kitchen drawers because the kids hang from them. My son shattered our 50 inch flat screen with a hammer. A god-damn hammer. You may be wondering,”How does that even happen?” Exactly. This deliberate turd went into the storage area of the basement, and grabbed the “kid hammer” [basically a real hammer that is small enough for a child to use (another awesome birthday gift purchased by a great friend)]. Then he walked to the T.V. and “nailed it” with the hammer. The same kid, three years prior, broke my iPod. You’re probably thinking, “Oh yeah, that’s happened to me before. They drop them on the ground all the time.” No. This kid took a bite out of it. A fucking bite!
Side note: Before I could finish the final draft for this piece, my middle child broke the flat screen that replaced the old (broken) flat screen. His weapon of choice was a paint roller extension. He got it from the same “forbidden” area that housed the “kid hammer.”
If you ever want to drop by to watch some television, you will have to first find a T.V. that works. Then, you will have to find the remote. When you do, it probably won’t work, as it has been disassembled and the batteries are missing. Don’t worry, though. The liquor cabinet is always stocked (where the honey badgers can’t access it). Help yourself, you’re gonna need it if you stay.
The curtain rod is hanging from the bay window, because the kids went through a day-phase of acrobatics. One of the third generation bed sets has broken from too much jumping. For god’s sake, they even broke the handle on the toilet. Like, there all of a sudden was no more handle on the toilet. In my outraged mental explosion, I think, “Why the fuck did you have to flush the toilet in the first place?! None of your urine even makes it into the toilet bowl!!!”
The most recent casualty (Yes, even after the second desecrated television) was the couch. My kindergartner took it upon himself to write the entire alphabet in permanent marker on the arm of our denim couch. There are so many questions in that one sentence, I know. Where was the adult supervision? In the next room. Where did he get the marker? He began to use one of the washable markers (from the table that he was sitting at while doing arts and crafts), decided that it wasn’t writing precisely enough, so walked into the kitchen, and pulled a permanent sharpie from the junk drawer. Why do you have a denim couch??? Because, I’m not fucking stupid and I no longer spend money on furniture because kids are assholes and are trying to torture me by not allowing me to have nice things; ever. The couch was free.
Being an adult is like playing a game of Would You Rather. Would you rather know a love like no other and care for and raise a beautiful little person…or have nice shit?

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What the flock?!

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A Woman Sent Her Amputated Toe To A Stranger On Tumblr

If feet gross you out, LEAVE NOW.
Still here? Great.
Now, let’s talk about this Tumblr user who sent another Tumblr user her pinky toe. Yes, her actual toe. 

http://royallyoily.tumblr.com/post/153703332149/cummy-eyelids-a-few…

If feet gross you out, LEAVE NOW.

Still here? Great.

Now, let’s talk about this Tumblr user who sent another Tumblr user her pinky toe. Yes, her actual toe. 

According to the toe’s owner, Haley, the toe was amputated years ago.

“I had brachymetatarsia, a condition where one of your toes or metatarsal bones stops growing,” she told The Huffington Post.

“As I got older the skin around my toe began to get infections and tear open (gross I know) and it would cause me to not be able to even walk at times. I was constantly in pain … At age 17, a doctor said he’d help me the best he could and removing the problem seemed simplest … He removed my 4th toe.”

The recipient, Lana, was sent the disembodied toe to preserve it properly for Haley. The preservation fluid currently housing the toe expired in 2011 and Lana plans to change it out.

You probably have a lot of questions about this.

For example: Why is the toe still hangin’ around? Why would someone want anyone else’s random toe? 

Haley told us that she kept her toe “because of spiritual reasons.”

“I feel very inclined to be buried or cremated whole, with all my teeth and bones,” she said. “I decided to have Lana re-jar my toe because the liquid has been long over due for a change but also because I really love my toe. It’s a part of me and deserves a proper enclosure.”

We, too, love our toes, Haley. 

Lana said on Tumblr that in addition to changing the preservation solution, she’ll be “electroforming the lid shut and adding crystals or stones to make it extra sparkly [a]nd pretty.

We’re not too sure where one would don a bejeweled, disembodied toe, but to each her own. Let people live, right?

“I needed a way to honor the life my toe led. It was with me for 17 years,” Haley told The Huffington Post. “It simply deserves a little more respect than the plastic jar it has been in since 2008.”

Supporters of the toe exchange have been saying they wish they still had their removed ribs to send to Lana to rework. Another suggested sending part of their amputated vagina to be turned into art.

“I’ve contacted various (wet specimen) artists over the years and not a single one would take on this project,” said Haley. “I’m grateful that Lana is so open minded and also so talented! I’m lucky the internet connected us.”

Tumblr is a magical wonderland of blogging and body parts.

(h/t NYMag)

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