If Donald Trump Becomes President, I’m Going to Talk About Moving to Canada But Then Not Really Do It

I can’t believe we’re back here again, and I can’t believe I have to repeat myself. But, I mean, come on, how much more can my intelligence be insulted by the level of discourse in American politics? It seems like every election cycle there emerges some real or potential threat to basic human dignity and common sense. Well, I said it when we elected George W. Bush, and I said it when people talked about Sarah Palin running for commander in chief, and now I am going to say it again. If Donald Trump becomes president, I shall be forced to talk incessantly about moving to Canada but then not really do it after all.

The mere fact that I must yet again face the idea of an invective-spewing blowhard getting within even eight feet of the Oval Office crushes my spirit. It robs me of my will to live. It creates a simmering, festering rage that I sometimes feel will leave me broken inside to the point of having to be institutionalized. I am certain this eventuality would leave me no option but to flee the land of my birth.

But, really, I mean, I just cleaned my apartment. And you know how good you feel when your apartment is really, really spotless? It’s almost as if you have a whole new place to live. It’s like that feeling of completion that comes over you when you finally get a big load of laundry done, except multiply that by, like, ten. When you’re in that kind of head space, it’s probably not the best time to make a big move to a foreign land.

And then you have to figure it’s going to cut down on my viability in a job search if I’m not Canadian. Plus, do I really want to quit my job? It’s a pretty good one. Thanks to Obamacare, my employer gave me a fairly decent health plan. Sure, it’s not free like in Canada, but still.

Oh, and I just switched cell phone providers and got this amazing new plan. How do I even know if I can get the same data rates in another country? I’d hate to think I would have to go through another whole thing with my phone.

To be honest, I’m the type of person who won’t even change his email address because the thought of cc’ing everybody just to let them know I’ve changed it is too much of an effort to bear. Yes, yes, the thought of my country being ruled by a reactionary dimwit who symbolically disembowels everything I stand for is also too much to bear, but maybe not as bad as the trauma of having to copy everybody in my address book.

And, let’s be up front about it, those metaphorical slaps in the face, those affronts to my sensibilities are already proffered by our representatives and media pundits hourly. Between letting everybody know how outraged I am and screaming in fury at the preaching-to the-choir memes that my friends forward me on Facebook, I have my hands full.

So it is that I feel reasonably secure in re-stating my firm, unshakable position on this issue. If America actually elects Donald Trump as president, I am going to stay here. While loudly and continually telling everybody that I plan on leaving.

That’ll teach ’em.

More of James Napoli’s comedy content for the web can be found here.

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Ladies’ Room

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Escaped Wiener Dog WILL NOT BE STOPPED!

It’s not whether you wiener lose. It’s how you play the game. And if you’ve got dogged determination, you’re a wiener no matter what.  

Just check out this wiener dog race held by the El Paso Chihuahuas on Saturday night. Most of the Dachshunds ran for the finish line. But one determined little doggy made a break for it — eluding would-be captors, including some of the players, as he took a tour of the ballpark. 

 

The Chihuahuas are a AAA affiliate of the San Diego Padres. 

(h/t Jezebel)

 

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Miley Cyrus Reminds Us Ad Nauseam She Smokes Pot During The VMAs

Miley Cyrus brought up marijuana so often during this year’s VMAs, you’d think she was a freshman during orientation week at college. She’s totally cool, guys. She’s down with Mary Jane. She likes the ganja. The reefer. The chronic. What she’s saying is that she knows what drugs are and isn’t afraid to wear that knowledge on her sleeve.

We don’t judge stars for their legal recreational drug use around here (Miley, you only smoke in Alaska, Oregon, Washington and Colorado, right?) but the emphasis on her affinity for fat Js was a little much. She brought up her little friend while trying to out-Ellen the 2014 Oscars host in her opening monologue.

Then she tried some of Snoop Dogg’s feel-good brownies in a sketch, which made her think Snoop had transformed into her pig, “Pig.” Look at her feelin’ it.

Perhaps she should’ve just done it like Kanye West, who admitted in the middle of his long-winded yet powerful, crowd-pleasing speech that he did, in fact, roll one up before stepping on stage. Everyone loved that. No one rolled their eyes because he made the marijuana reference merely a side dish to his full, hearty speech meal. Not to be outdone, Miley came back on stage to ask why he hadn’t shared. Because she smokes pot.

She closed out the night with a debut of her song, “Do It,” during which she finally confirmed the one thing we were still in the dark about: “Yeah, I smoke pot / Yeah, I love peace.” Well, at least she and her dancers looked pretty cool while doing it.

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Oregon Ducks Mascot Blows Glitter, Mocks Sorority Recruitment Videos

Do you ever watch those sorority recruitment videos and think to yourself, “This is nice, but what would it be like if a 6-foot-tall duck with a Nike-sponsored jersey was doing all of these random, playful things?”

The University of Oregon has answered.

The Oregon Ducks mascot Puddles starred in an “Autzen Stadium Recruitment Video” that largely rips on the University of Alabama Alpha Phi sorority recruitment video, which was controversial for having too many bikinis, or something. Since Puddles isn’t wearing any bottoms in this video, it will clearly be controversial too. 



You can go back and watch the original Alabama Alpha Phi video here if you want. Unless seeing a giant duck make the “shh” sign hasn’t weirded you out too much.

 

[h/t BroBible]

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Miley Cyrus Attempts To Break Instagram At The 2015 VMAs

Miley Cyrus said she can’t be tamed, and she proved it at the VMAs on Sunday.

In the days leading up to the show, VMA executive producer Garrett English told Entertainment Weekly that this year’s host had ”pretty free rein,” which Cyrus demonstrated in her opening monologue by attempting to beat Ellen DeGeneres’ Oscar picture with her own crazy Instagram selfie.

DeGeneres’ picture had pretty much every famous actor you could think of, so Cyrus had to pull out all the stops for hers. Actors Ike Barinholtz and Andy Samberg helped Cyrus brainstorm the selfie, which included pretty much every random thing you can think of: There were Bollywood dancers, people wearing green and even someone with a cat mask on. It was all kinds of ridiculous.

The most surprising thing about the photo is perhaps that Cyrus actually had clothes on. The singer has been teasing that she’d be sans clothes on the show, and even took a revealing selfie the morning of the awards.

A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on

After Cyrus was announced as the host, you knew some shenanigans were going down, and breaking Instagram is definitely only the beginning.

Keep on shining, Miley.

 

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Miley Cyrus Is Basically Naked On The 2015 VMAs Red Carpet

Miley Cyrus, host of the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards and wild child extraordinaire, gave viewers a peek of her quirky style in the show’s promos.  

The unpredictable host of the even more unpredictable show did not disappoint when it came to staying true to her wild style for the actual event. Clad in suspenders, over-the-knee silver boots and not much else, Cyrus kicked off the night with a bang.

Cyrus finished off the … look … with a faux dreaded ponytail. We can’t wait to see how her inevitable outfit changes will stack up over the course of the night. 

 

 

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Gigi Hadid Rocks Glorified Yellow Swimsuit At The VMAs

Holding on to those last days of summer, are we Gigi Hadid

The supermodel arrived on the 2015 Video Music Awards red carpet in a bright yellow dress reminiscent of a (beautiful) bathing suit and robe, complete with some major cleavage and slicked back hair. 

Hadid posed alongside her pal Taylor Swift, who is nominated for nine awards, including seven for “Bad Blood,” in which Hadid appears.

Compared to the rest of her #squad, Hadid certainly stood out. We have to hand it to her, not everyone could pull off this bold look.

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