Disenfranchise Straight White Males?

Donald Trump’s lead in the Republican presidential polls has reignited the debate on the most emotionally charged question in American politics today: Should straight white males, called “Swims,” be allowed to vote?

“Over 92 percent of Trump supporters are Swims. This is prima facie evidence that Swims are so irresponsible that they should not be entitled to vote,” asserts Megan Mohr, a DisSwim activist. (DisSwim is short for Disenfranchise Straight White Males.) “

Recent academic studies buttress Ms. Mohr’s case. “The limited intellect displayed by Swims is culturally, not genetically, determined,” wrote E.P. Kafner and J. Gosset of the University of Minnesota. “Behavior such as watching NASCAR races and endlessly discussing injuries to NFL defensive lineman erode the brain’s synaptic connections.”

Kafner and Gosset bred 200 genetically identical hermaphroditic mice and randomly placed them in two groups. They asked Group A group to play fantasy league sports and drink beer while Group B read Jane Austen novels and sipped herbal teas.

“Culturally determined gender behaviors clearly influence metal capabilities,” the researchers concluded. “Group A’s average intelligence decreased by 47 percent and its short term memory fell 76 percent. Group B showed improvements in both measures. Even more troubling, Group A experienced frequent bouts of flatulence that they found quite amusing and became the subject of frequent jokes.”

“This may account for Swim’s strange beliefs,” adds sociologist Janet Weismann.
Swims account for:
• Three quarters of people who believe that the earth was created one thousand years after the Sumerian invented glue
• 85 percent of those who argue we would all be better off if the rich paid less in taxes and
• 100 percent of those who warn that ISIS terrorists are massing at Ciudad Juarez, preparing to impose Sharia law on El Paso, Lubbock and the Odessa-Midland metropolitan area.

It also explains why Swims voted for Bush, a guy they wanted to have a beer with, and never asked if he was a guy they wanted to start a war with.”

Dr. Helen Dixon-Graham, an anthropologist at UCLA, thinks both nature and nurture contribute to Swim’s mental deficiencies and political imbecility.

We see the same pattern everywhere. In under-performing and deviant groups in all cultures, Swims are overrepresented. Among the !Kung, hunter gatherers of the Kalahari Desert, the most ignorant and loathsome people, including sports team owners, reality TV show producers and IRS auditors are Swims. Among Hazda of Tanzania social parasites were exclusively Swims. All Hazda talent agents, hedge fund managers and plaintiff’s lawyers are Swims.

But does this mean that Swims should be disenfranchised? I asked the famed bio-ethicist Monsignor Patrick Reilly, S.J.

“When we objectively measure reasoning, emotional sensitivity and political understanding, we find that Swims are closer to Chimpanzees than to other human groups,” he replied.

But should all Swims should be prohibited from voting? Recall that Voltaire, Bach and Lincoln were Swims. But had they been exposed to Rambo movies, Monday Night Football and Rush Limbaugh, they might well have defended the right of lunatics to carry Kalashnikov’s into movie theatres. So in ethical terms, DisSwim is a “good idea.”

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You Probably Didn’t Know Most Movie Trailers Are Made This Way

In a world …

Slow zoom on a darkened wood. Our hero — on his knees, eyes closed, shoulder and back muscles bulging — lies in wait, his sword sheathed as a hoard of zombie-dragon-Nazis floods toward him. Then … close-up his eyes as they explode open!

There’s a reason that movie trailers are often better than the films they’re showcasing. They have a style and poetry all their own that create unattainable levels of excitement.

Comedy group Scotch Moses pulls back the curtain on what really goes down when Hollywood studios are planning the most important part of a film: the trailer.

 

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Anchor Shouts F-Word On Air; Anchor Apologizes For F-Word

Ian King of Sky News was interviewing economist Michelle Meyer last week when the anchor apparently had a malfunction — of equipment and decorum.

After posing a question to Meyer, King exclaimed “f**k.” He apologized immediately, explaining that one of his microphone leads had fallen out. 

King said he was sorry again on Twitter with a reference to Kenneth Tynan, a theater critic who famously dropped the F-bomb on British TV in 1965.

Don’t worry about it, old chap.

H/T FTV Live

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BYU Is Pretty Chill About Being The Most Sober College, Again

Brigham Young University, the private school affiliated with the Mormon church, has no qualms about being ranked the most “stone-cold sober” college for the 18th year in a row.

Princeton Review released their annual college rankings on Monday, naming both the most sober and the biggest party schools. BYU has made milk-based jokes on social media in recent years to celebrate their crowning as the school least likely to party, and did so again this year. 


The “stone-cold sober” ranking is often dominated by religious and military schools, as well as campuses from the City University of New York system. Religious and military colleges are often more strict about rules on student conduct, like their prohibition of alcohol and drugs, while CUNY schools typically lack the residential campus many larger state universities have.

 

Here are the 20 most sober schools in the country for 2015-16, ranked by the Princeton Review:

1. Brigham Young University

2. College of the Ozarks

3. Wheaton College (Illinois)

4. Grove City College

5. U.S. Military Academy

6. U.S. Naval Academy

7. Gordon College

8. Thomas Aquinas College

9. Calvin College

10. U.S. Coast Guard Academy

11. Pepperdine University

12. CUNY – Brooklyn College

13. Mills College

14. CUNY – City College

15. CUNY – Queens College

16. Xavier University os Louisiana

17. Agnes Scott College

18. CUNY – Baruch College

19. Spelman College

20. Simmons College

 

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Ice Cream or Bust. Okay, Maybe Both.

In my defense, we had 25 minutes to meet my husband and oldest son at his baseball game, which was only seven minutes away, when I passed my favorite yogurt store and made an impromptu decision – fantasized about for the entire day – to stop and get myself a cup.

“Nooooooo!” my two younger boys groaned from the backseat. “No stopping!”

I shot them my mean mom stare. “I don’t want to hear that. I do everything for you guys. You can eat ice cream for me. Okay? Sheesh.”

They just rolled their eyes, and shook their heads at my pathetic desperation. Who were these judgmental ice cream haters?

“It’ll just be a quick pit-stop.” I say, overly cheerful. The nearness to my fix makes me a little wild-eyed and fidgety.

We park in the closest spot, the minivan doors slide open and out we pour. Within minutes, I am ordering myself a cup of peanut butter and cappuccino covered in chocolate crunchies.

Neither my five or eight year-old want anything. Really?

We’re back in the car lickety-split. “See, I told you guys, in and out.”

I put the car in gear and go… straight over something. Oops. What was that? A curb? A small divider?

Eh. Whatever. I’ll just keep going. “Okay, guys. We’ll be at the game in 10 minutes!”

I hit the gas. The front of the car dips down over the curb? Bump? Divider? We stop. I try to go forward, but I can’t. There is an ominous scratching sound. Uh oh.

“What’s that noise, mommy?” My eight year-old asks.

“Uh, nothing.” I hit the gas again. The screeching noise returns and the car won’t budge. I put it in reverse. Won’t budge. This could be bad.

“Are we stuck?” The backseat interrogator asks.

Out the window, people walking past stare at us with their mouths hanging open in horrified amazement, or could be amusement. A car goes by and the driver stares directly at me. I can read the
slow motion words on his lips. “Oh Shiiiiit.”

Definitely bad. I got out of the car to see what trouble I was in.

2015-01-21-189.JPG

Oh shit.

By now, a crowd had gathered to gawk and giggle at the dumb mom who can’t drive, and her amazing unmovable vehicle. Can’t go forward. Can’t go backward. Hear it wail in agony. Or, that might just be me.

I needed to call AAA, but first I needed to call my husband. Da Da Dummmm!

I was afraid, first because the car had recently been fixed from the bump in the night a few months back. Second, because last week, I did something similar over a rock.

My son’s game was minutes from starting.

“Hey, where are you?” My husband answers, all business.

“I had a little accident.”

From the backseat peanut gallery, “Mommy ran over a parking lot!”

“I didn’t run over a parking lot!” I huff.

Long exhale from my husband. “Is everyone okay?”

“Everyone is fine. Not sure about the car, though.”

As coach, I’m guessing there were many parents and children around my husband as he remained inhumanely calm and advised, “Okay, just call AAA. Don’t worry. Call me back.”

I look over to the yogurt, the crunchies perfectly melted into the sweet creamy goodness. If I hadn’t stopped, we wouldn’t be missing my son’s game, and I wouldn’t be listening to my sons chanting from the backseat, ‘Mommy can’t drive!” I leisurely reached for the cup. It wasn’t like we were going anywhere.

2015-01-21-191.JPG

My hero

Kick back with a cone and read more essays like this on Icescreammama.

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Guy Goes Undercover To Prove Psychics Aren’t Psychic

These fortune tellers should have seen this coming.

Comedian and undercover prankster Tyler Fischer asked several storefront psychics in New York City to read his palm in an effort to prove that they are “full of it,” according to the new video’s YouTube headline. Fischer had the encounters secretly filmed for Elite Daily.

Congratulations, Tyler, you will live a long life, get married — or not — and have children.

But perhaps the most sensible words came from one clairvoyant. When Fischer asked if it was going to rain, she told him, “Go watch the weather.”

Watch the video above to see how similar the psychics’ predictions are.

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Ted Cruz Cooks Bacon With A Machine Gun

Presidential candidate and U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) tried out a new method for cooking bacon that involves a machine gun.

In a video released Monday by the Independent Journal Review, Cruz is seen at a shooting range firing a machine gun with the barrel wrapped in bacon and covered with aluminum foil.

“There are few things I enjoy more than on weekends cooking breakfast with the family. Of course in Texas, we cook bacon a little differently than most folks,” Cruz says at the beginning of the video. 

Once the grease starts dripping, Cruz removes the aluminum foil and tastes the bacon.

“Mmmm. Machine-gun bacon,” Cruz says with a laugh. 

“Hot and crispy. It’s just the way I like it,” Matt Halsrud, of Central Iowa Impact Indoor Shooting Range, says at the end of the video. 

The video is the third comical piece released by IJReview of GOP presidential candidates showing off their secret talents. Others include Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) destroying a cell phone and retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson dominating at the game Operation.

Watch the video of Cruz above.

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This Map Shows How New Yorkers View The Rest Of The United States

New Yorkers are well known for thinking their city is the center of the United States. According to one vintage map, it actually is

The map which was recently recirculated by Redditor Ambamja, comes from the David Rumsey Map Collection, which houses some 61,000 images online. Reportedly drawn in 1970 by an unknown illustrator, it shows the United States reshaped to essentially just an extremely prominent New York City, with New Jersey, San Francisco, LA, D.C., Texas and Miami left on the outskirts.

Some of the big New York attractions are featured prominently, like Lady Liberty, the Empire State Building, Central Park, Wall Street, Grand Central Terminal and Madison Square Garden. 

If you’re interested in seeing some of the sights shown on the map, genius Randy Olsen recently developed an algorithm of the best possible walking tour of New York City

H/T City Lab

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