Trevor Noah: Trump Charging Secret Service For Rent Is ‘A D**k Move’

It is still unknown exactly how much money Donald Trump has, but it’s pretty obvious he plans to make more while in the White House.
On Monday’s “The Daily Show,” host Trevor Noah pointed out how the president-elect seem…

It is still unknown exactly how much money Donald Trump has, but it’s pretty obvious he plans to make more while in the White House.

On Monday’s “The Daily Show,” host Trevor Noah pointed out how the president-elect seems to be more interested in making business deals rather than getting ready to be leader of the free world.

“Trump is like, ‘Now that I’m president, I can finally be a successful businessman!’” Noah said.

Trump could get richer while in office thanks to the Secret Service, which is considering spending $1.5 million of taxpayer money to rent an entire floor in Trump Tower that will be used as a command post to protect Trump and his family when in New York.

“That’s kind of a dick move. You’re going to charge rent to the people who are there to keep you alive?” Noah said. “You know if one [of the agents] takes a bullet for Trump, he’s probably going to charge them for his dry cleaning bill.”  

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National Guard Will Be Deployed to Every U.S. Family’s Thanksgiving Dinner

As protests continue in the wake of Donald Trump’s election as President, plans have been made for deploying the National Guard to every United States family’s Thanksgiving Day dinner, in order to prevent inevitable violence. “This is the emergency sit…

As protests continue in the wake of Donald Trump’s election as President, plans have been made for deploying the National Guard to every United States family’s Thanksgiving Day dinner, in order to prevent inevitable violence. “This is the emergency situation members of the Guard have been preparing for since Trump won the nomination,” said Brick Uttelstatt, spokesperson/Armageddon advisor for the Georgia National Guard. “Liquor, an assortment of carving tools, and politically opposed relatives who don’t want to be in the same room under the best circumstances will be a particularly dangerous mix this November 24th.”

Across the country, Guard and Reserve members have engaged in a variety of drills to prepare themselves for the ugliness awaiting them. For some, it’s a reminder of similar events from Thanksgivings past. “I still have flashbacks to when I was called in after Obama got elected in 2008,” remembers a still-shaken Colonel Bradley Skeltmonn.

“My unit was sent to a beautiful 1810 Southern Colonial house in Georgia. The family was talking, eating, watching Tennessee crush the Lions. And then, someone said McCain was out of touch and all hell broke loose. I did two tours in Fallujah, but I never saw anything that compares to what happened at that dinner table. The last thing I remember is the patriarch gutting his own son with a Hamilton Beach Electric Knife and ramming a drumstick down his throat, yelling, ‘Community organizer! Community organizer!'”

Skeltmonn concluded, “I lost a lot of good men that day. And Thanksgiving next week is going to make that day look like a fucking picnic.”

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Destructive Children

I always want to lose my shit when I walk into someone’s house and it is immaculate with white furniture and breakable decor below waist level…AND they have young children. HOW? HOW?! HOW?!?! My home looks more like a frat house or fight club loc…

I always want to lose my shit when I walk into someone’s house and it is immaculate with white furniture and breakable decor below waist level…AND they have young children. HOW? HOW?! HOW?!?! My home looks more like a frat house or fight club location than it does a clean, safe environment for children (let alone a home that any respectable adult would host other respectable adults in).
There are holes in the walls from jumping and ramming furniture into the drywall. Cabinet faces are missing from the kitchen drawers because the kids hang from them. My son shattered our 50 inch flat screen with a hammer. A god-damn hammer. You may be wondering,”How does that even happen?” Exactly. This deliberate turd went into the storage area of the basement, and grabbed the “kid hammer” [basically a real hammer that is small enough for a child to use (another awesome birthday gift purchased by a great friend)]. Then he walked to the T.V. and “nailed it” with the hammer. The same kid, three years prior, broke my iPod. You’re probably thinking, “Oh yeah, that’s happened to me before. They drop them on the ground all the time.” No. This kid took a bite out of it. A fucking bite!
Side note: Before I could finish the final draft for this piece, my middle child broke the flat screen that replaced the old (broken) flat screen. His weapon of choice was a paint roller extension. He got it from the same “forbidden” area that housed the “kid hammer.”
If you ever want to drop by to watch some television, you will have to first find a T.V. that works. Then, you will have to find the remote. When you do, it probably won’t work, as it has been disassembled and the batteries are missing. Don’t worry, though. The liquor cabinet is always stocked (where the honey badgers can’t access it). Help yourself, you’re gonna need it if you stay.
The curtain rod is hanging from the bay window, because the kids went through a day-phase of acrobatics. One of the third generation bed sets has broken from too much jumping. For god’s sake, they even broke the handle on the toilet. Like, there all of a sudden was no more handle on the toilet. In my outraged mental explosion, I think, “Why the fuck did you have to flush the toilet in the first place?! None of your urine even makes it into the toilet bowl!!!”
The most recent casualty (Yes, even after the second desecrated television) was the couch. My kindergartner took it upon himself to write the entire alphabet in permanent marker on the arm of our denim couch. There are so many questions in that one sentence, I know. Where was the adult supervision? In the next room. Where did he get the marker? He began to use one of the washable markers (from the table that he was sitting at while doing arts and crafts), decided that it wasn’t writing precisely enough, so walked into the kitchen, and pulled a permanent sharpie from the junk drawer. Why do you have a denim couch??? Because, I’m not fucking stupid and I no longer spend money on furniture because kids are assholes and are trying to torture me by not allowing me to have nice things; ever. The couch was free.
Being an adult is like playing a game of Would You Rather. Would you rather know a love like no other and care for and raise a beautiful little person…or have nice shit?

2016-11-16-1479277886-9673274-couch.jpg

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What the flock?!

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2016-11-28-1480372204-4066749-SwanDive04.png

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A Woman Sent Her Amputated Toe To A Stranger On Tumblr

If feet gross you out, LEAVE NOW.
Still here? Great.
Now, let’s talk about this Tumblr user who sent another Tumblr user her pinky toe. Yes, her actual toe. 

http://royallyoily.tumblr.com/post/153703332149/cummy-eyelids-a-few…

If feet gross you out, LEAVE NOW.

Still here? Great.

Now, let’s talk about this Tumblr user who sent another Tumblr user her pinky toe. Yes, her actual toe. 

According to the toe’s owner, Haley, the toe was amputated years ago.

“I had brachymetatarsia, a condition where one of your toes or metatarsal bones stops growing,” she told The Huffington Post.

“As I got older the skin around my toe began to get infections and tear open (gross I know) and it would cause me to not be able to even walk at times. I was constantly in pain … At age 17, a doctor said he’d help me the best he could and removing the problem seemed simplest … He removed my 4th toe.”

The recipient, Lana, was sent the disembodied toe to preserve it properly for Haley. The preservation fluid currently housing the toe expired in 2011 and Lana plans to change it out.

You probably have a lot of questions about this.

For example: Why is the toe still hangin’ around? Why would someone want anyone else’s random toe? 

Haley told us that she kept her toe “because of spiritual reasons.”

“I feel very inclined to be buried or cremated whole, with all my teeth and bones,” she said. “I decided to have Lana re-jar my toe because the liquid has been long over due for a change but also because I really love my toe. It’s a part of me and deserves a proper enclosure.”

We, too, love our toes, Haley. 

Lana said on Tumblr that in addition to changing the preservation solution, she’ll be “electroforming the lid shut and adding crystals or stones to make it extra sparkly [a]nd pretty.

We’re not too sure where one would don a bejeweled, disembodied toe, but to each her own. Let people live, right?

“I needed a way to honor the life my toe led. It was with me for 17 years,” Haley told The Huffington Post. “It simply deserves a little more respect than the plastic jar it has been in since 2008.”

Supporters of the toe exchange have been saying they wish they still had their removed ribs to send to Lana to rework. Another suggested sending part of their amputated vagina to be turned into art.

“I’ve contacted various (wet specimen) artists over the years and not a single one would take on this project,” said Haley. “I’m grateful that Lana is so open minded and also so talented! I’m lucky the internet connected us.”

Tumblr is a magical wonderland of blogging and body parts.

(h/t NYMag)

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Urban Renewal, Trump Style

On the heels of the high-visibility grand opening of the Trump International Hotel in Washington, DC’s Old Post Office building, the international chain of luxury hotel properties has announced plans to open a second location in the Nation’s Capital.

On the heels of the high-visibility grand opening of the Trump International Hotel in Washington, DC’s Old Post Office building, the international chain of luxury hotel properties has announced plans to open a second location in the Nation’s Capital.

“People everywhere — Russia, China, Britain, France, Germany, even New Jersey — can’t talk about anything but the reservations they have with Trump. Clearly, the word is out: if you want to get things done in Washington, call Trump,” said an anonymous Trump Hotels spokesperson. “In fact, we’ve had such an unbelievable response to our Trump International Hotel at 1100 Pennsylvania Avenue, we’ve decided to do a bit of urban renewal and convert another dilapidated property into a world-class showcase.” Trump has recently acquired the rights to a historic building across Pennsylvania Avenue from Lafayette Square, midway between 15th and 17th Streets.

“It won’t open right away,” explained the spokesperson. “The structure is more than 200 years old and really showing its age. It will require substantial demolition and refurbishing to bring it up to Trump standards.”

The property has actually been classified as public housing for many years, although there is office space attached. “We’re not sure whether it was considered a home-office or just office space with a bedroom upstairs. But in either case, it was sort of quaint; it looks like it might have been a good place to start a small business.”

“It’s going to take a huge investment to bring the property up to Trump standards,” the spokesperson said. “We’re talking about massive amounts of Italian marble and gold leaf gilt to give it that warm, cozy feel that epitomizes our properties.”

“We’re already designing new signage for the property: a very understated TRUMP WHITE HOUSE in twelve-foot high gold letters, although we’ll have to completely redo the building’s roof to get rid of what look like a lot of radar and radio antennas, satellites and sentry posts.”

President-elect and CEO Donald Trump himself was not available for comment on the new project. Sources close to his personal staff said he will continue working out of his New York City high-rise, which reportedly is itself undergoing a name change from Trump Tower to Donald Trump’s Headquarters America.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Hot State Representatives Are Standing By To Hear Your Concerns

Are you getting all hot and bothered by the appointment of alt-right champion and accused anti-Semite Steve Bannon as Donald Trump’s chief strategist? Or maybe you’d like to talk about minority group’s rights being sensually massaged …

Are you getting all hot and bothered by the appointment of alt-right champion and accused anti-Semite Steve Bannon as Donald Trump’s chief strategist? Or maybe you’d like to talk about minority group’s rights being sensually massaged out of existence?

That’s where your (potentially hot) state representative comes in. You can call them anytime, day or night, and leave a message to satisfy your civil concerns.

Video created by Brandt Hamilton, Lauren Greenhall and Jacob Salzberg.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

THE BRIGHTSIDES OF A DONALD J. TRUMP PRESIDENCY

Well. That happened. Donald J. Trump didn’t just perplex the pundits, pollsters and his own progeny with a stunning electoral pummeling of Hillary Clinton, he pelted them with showbiz shock and awe. It was a wake-up call that surely rolled Beethoven, who was deaf, and is now dead. The new shot heard round the world.

Planet-wide, liberals are slashing wrists and bashing brains and gnashing teeth and curled in a fetal position begging for their blue banky. The city of San Francisco is working through the five stages of grief but it’s going to take a while, because right now they’re stuck on denial.

The streets of Hollywood are flooded with the salty tears of distraught baby movie stars who don’t know whether to follow through on their threat to move to Canada or pay someone to do it for them. It’s mourning in America.

MSNBC’s anchors reacted like they were told their children had been burned beyond recognition in a meth lab explosion. But it wasn’t all doom and gloom. Over at Fox News they were bouncing up and down in their chairs like 3rd graders on Santa’s lap. Most of the chairs appeared to have been soiled.

The President-elect received congratulatory calls from Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, David Duke, Jean Marie Le Pen, Nigel Farage and the ghost of Caligula. While Democratic Congressmen clung to the faint hope that he’ll be better than the rest of the world fears. “No way he’s going to be another Hitler. Mussolini, maybe.”

But in American we are famous for making lemonade out of lemons and totally overlooking the possible positives of Donald J. Trump becoming our 45th president. Here’s a few to buck up your spirits.

The Top Brightsides of a Donald J. Trump Presidency.
• Congressional Medal of Honor Winner Rudy Giuliani.
• The Alec Baldwin Full Employment Act.
• Trump supporters once again have other uses for that collection of white sheets gathering dust in the back of the closet.
• For the first time ever, teenage boys will collect photos of the First Lady. To be viewed under a blanket, with a flashlight, one- handed.
• Book burnings poised to make a big comeback.
• After handing over the nuclear codes to a temperamental real estate developer our personal problems pale in comparison.
• New style in ladies fashion, The Stepford Look.
• Already Made America Grate Again.
• California Secession Movement picking up steam.
• George W Bush moves up a notch in Presidential historical rankings list.
• Bill Clinton can finally take that long nap he obviously so desperately needs. In Sweden.
• Kids taught that lies and fear are effective tools. Helps prepare them for the business world.
• First president with a comb- over.
• Nobody allowed to chastise me for making politically insensitive jokes about the President- elect. Ever.
• Four words: Secretary of Interior Sarah Palin. Now we can all see Russia from her house.
• Civil War buffs have new intra- national clash to study. Where one side has all the guns and the other all the lesbians. So it sort of evens out.
• With Trump following Obama in the White House, Orange really is the new Black.
• And finally, at least for a couple of months, you will be forgiven for developing a drinking problem. During the day. At your job. As a grade school teacher.

Copyright © 2016, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former clerk at a porno store in Waukesha, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, go to willdurst.com.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Well. That happened. Donald J. Trump didn’t just perplex the pundits, pollsters and his own progeny with a stunning electoral pummeling of Hillary Clinton, he pelted them with showbiz shock and awe. It was a wake-up call that surely rolled Beethoven, who was deaf, and is now dead. The new shot heard round the world.

Planet-wide, liberals are slashing wrists and bashing brains and gnashing teeth and curled in a fetal position begging for their blue banky. The city of San Francisco is working through the five stages of grief but it’s going to take a while, because right now they’re stuck on denial.

The streets of Hollywood are flooded with the salty tears of distraught baby movie stars who don’t know whether to follow through on their threat to move to Canada or pay someone to do it for them. It’s mourning in America.

MSNBC’s anchors reacted like they were told their children had been burned beyond recognition in a meth lab explosion. But it wasn’t all doom and gloom. Over at Fox News they were bouncing up and down in their chairs like 3rd graders on Santa’s lap. Most of the chairs appeared to have been soiled.

The President-elect received congratulatory calls from Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, David Duke, Jean Marie Le Pen, Nigel Farage and the ghost of Caligula. While Democratic Congressmen clung to the faint hope that he’ll be better than the rest of the world fears. “No way he’s going to be another Hitler. Mussolini, maybe.”

But in American we are famous for making lemonade out of lemons and totally overlooking the possible positives of Donald J. Trump becoming our 45th president. Here’s a few to buck up your spirits.

The Top Brightsides of a Donald J. Trump Presidency.
• Congressional Medal of Honor Winner Rudy Giuliani.
• The Alec Baldwin Full Employment Act.
• Trump supporters once again have other uses for that collection of white sheets gathering dust in the back of the closet.
• For the first time ever, teenage boys will collect photos of the First Lady. To be viewed under a blanket, with a flashlight, one- handed.
• Book burnings poised to make a big comeback.
• After handing over the nuclear codes to a temperamental real estate developer our personal problems pale in comparison.
• New style in ladies fashion, The Stepford Look.
• Already Made America Grate Again.
• California Secession Movement picking up steam.
• George W Bush moves up a notch in Presidential historical rankings list.
• Bill Clinton can finally take that long nap he obviously so desperately needs. In Sweden.
• Kids taught that lies and fear are effective tools. Helps prepare them for the business world.
• First president with a comb- over.
• Nobody allowed to chastise me for making politically insensitive jokes about the President- elect. Ever.
• Four words: Secretary of Interior Sarah Palin. Now we can all see Russia from her house.
• Civil War buffs have new intra- national clash to study. Where one side has all the guns and the other all the lesbians. So it sort of evens out.
• With Trump following Obama in the White House, Orange really is the new Black.
• And finally, at least for a couple of months, you will be forgiven for developing a drinking problem. During the day. At your job. As a grade school teacher.

Copyright © 2016, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former clerk at a porno store in Waukesha, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, go to willdurst.com.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.