Kid Bewilders Paul Ryan By Dabbing For Dad’s Swearing-In Photo

One young man just grabbed his 15 minutes of fame by “dabbing” during his father’s mock congressional swearing-in ceremony on Tuesday. 

Cal Marshall was holding the Bible between his father, newly elected Rep. Roger Marshall (R-Kan.), and House Speaker Paul Ryan. As everybody else turned to smile for the camera, Cal lifted one arm in the dance move/meme known as dabbing. 

Ryan was clearly confused by the gesture, as seen in the C-SPAN footage above. “You all right?” he asked the young man, nudging him with his arm. Still, Cal stood firmly in his dab until Ryan questioned him further.

“Can you put your hand down?” the speaker asked. “Are you gonna sneeze?”

Cal eventually lowered his arm and grinned for the official photo-op.

After the video began attracting attention and was posted to Twitter Moments, Cal tweeted that he “did not think this would happen.” Also via Twitter, Marshall assured the speaker that his son has been grounded.

Not to be left out, Ryan tweeted about the moment, admitting his bewilderment. “Just finished swearing-in photos,” he wrote. “Nearly 300 members. Countless cute kids. Still don’t get what dabbing is, though.”

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Shelter Cats Playing On iPads Are A Glimpse Into Our Feline-Ruled Future

It turns out you can teach an old cat new technology.

Felines in the care of the Regina Humane Society in Saskatchewan, Canada, now enjoy playing interactive games on iPads — usually games that feature moving fish, mice or insects that the cats try to “catch” with their paws.

“Cats love to hunt and stalk things, and what these programs do is they give the cats the opportunity to do that on the iPads,” the humane society’s executive director, Lisa Koch, told the CBC.

The humane society started experimenting with the cat-oriented iPad games in the fall. Shelter spokesman Bill Thorn said they incorporated the games as a formal part of the volunteer program in late 2016.

“It is geared toward our younger volunteers (as young as 12 years) as the technology aspect appeals to them,” Thorn told The Huffington Post in an email.

Thorn noted that the cats have other toys to play with, as well — including items hand made by volunteers — and the iPads are just one method the shelter uses to keep the cats happy and calm.

The most surprising thing about introducing the iPads, Thorn said, was how good the cats seem to be at sharing.

“We usually use the iPads in our communal areas where there are multiple cats roaming freely in one room,” he said. “They will gather around it and almost take turns playing with it by chasing the images on the screen. Often, this eventually leads to them playing with each other, which is a nice bonus in that they are not only playing the game, but increasing their socialization with each other too!”

While Thorn said he’d recommend people try out iPad games with their own cats at home, they’re not for every feline. Some cats at the shelter, he said, were unimpressed. 

“The key is to provide toys and activities that your pet likes and engages in – that could be an iPad or a simple ball or other toy,” he said.

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Dog Shamed By Owner For Loud Snoring

Sometimes we don’t realize how our actions affect others until we’re shown a video of ourselves acting terrible. That’s what happened to this rude dog.

In a video uploaded by YouTuber Tal Solomon on Monday, Solomon bravely confronts his obnoxious dog, who clearly doesn’t give a heck about disruptively snoring. 

Solomon decides to play a recording of his pooch previously snoring, which seems to startle the dog awake. The dog looks at the video, then at the camera, as if to say “omg is that me?????”

Yes, dog. It’s you.

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CisWhiteMale.com Redirects To Jonathan Franzen’s Facebook Page

It’s long been known that Jonathan Franzen hates the internet and, well, the internet doesn’t exactly love him either.

From his writing about women to his comments on being a man (”It’s like there’s no way to make myself not male”) to his lack of a diverse friend group (”I don’t have very many black friends”), Franzen hasn’t done much to ingratiate himself with the people of the World wide Web.

As such, it’s no surprise that the polemical writer of works such as The Corrections and Purity was most recently the butt of a joke.

This isn’t a drill: Ciswhitemale.com actually takes you to Franzen’s Facebook fan page.

Also, if you search the ciswhitemale.com site on Google, you get this delightful search result: 

2017 is going to be a hoot, isn’t it? 

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A Song For The President-Elect: Donald J. Twitter

Some folks spent January 1, 2017 nursing hangovers and watching college football. I spent it writing a song about President-elect Donald J. Trump and his increasingly dangerous Twitter habit. I’m not sure that my song, Donald J. Twitter, will land me a spot on the bill with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock at Trump’s upcoming inauguration, but one never knows.

DONALD J. TWITTER
(M. Farmer)

CHORUS
Hey, Kellyanne, give me my phone
I’m gonna need some time alone
You know I always do my best work on the shitter
And I don’t need Meet the Press or my own Gettysburg Address
When I can climb upon my throne
And get on Twitter

VERSE
Let’s go to @realdonaldtrump
Where my old brain can take a dump
And talk about the issues of the day
From pathetic SNL to amazing Israel
When I’m on the stump
Just watch me fire away

You know it’s anybody’s guess
As to when some global mess
Is gonna overwhelm my short attention span
Oh, but I’ll be there to tweet; I’ve gotta give my base red meat
That is unless
I switch to Instagram

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE
Well, my favorite way to tweet
Is to pick on some elite
And call him lots of kindergarten names
If he’s a third-rate loser clown, well, that’s the way I’ll take him down
Just bring the heat
Until he goes up in flames

And women ain’t immune
From the wrath of this tycoon
I’ve got 140 characters of hate
So if some beauty queen gets fat, I don’t grab her by the cat
I just lampoon
Her ever-changing weight

REPEAT CHORUS x2

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House GOP: ‘Oh Come On, It’s Not Like We’ve Been Acting Ethical Anyways’

(WASHINGTON D.C.)

Following their gutting of the Office of Congressional Ethics, House Republicans received backlash from both liberal and conservative pundits. In response to all this, the House GOP simply replied, “Oh come on, it’s not like we’ve been acting ethical anyways.”

“Like, have you guys been following us for the last SEVERAL years?” said Speaker Ryan.

“We’ve been fucking you guys for years, this literally just means we don’t have to wear a condom anymore,” chimed in Mitch McConnell.

The ethics committee will no longer be able to take tips from anonymous whistleblowers, be considered an independent agency, investigate tips that came before 2011, talk about their findings, hire a spokesperson, or turn corruption allegations over to the law.

“But like, when have they ever been able to anyways? I don’t know, who cares, we have work to do, we’re building a Death Star after all,” concluded Paul Ryan.

“Oh, right, forgot to mention, we’re building a Death Star.”

Somehow, being “ethical” has become partisan.

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If All Those Famous Diet Products And Fads Were Being Honest

It’s that time again, when you pretend that this year is going to be different than previous years. 

Health and fitness are probably at the top of your list: eat less, exercise more. And you’re more susceptible to diet fads and infomercials. But, as Cracked shows, if these diet ideas were honest, you might pick a new resolution.

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‘The Bachelor’ Premiere’s Dolphin/Shark ‘Debate’ Is A Great Metaphor For 2017

Last night Nick Viall made his debut as America’s most eligible (or at least most visible) bachelor. But although Chris Harrison went on and on about how “controversial” Nick has been within the “Bachelor” franchise, the true controversy of the night ended up being about dolphins… and sharks… and the very clear differences between the two. 

One of Nick’s suitors, Alexis, is a self-described dolphin enthusiast and aspiring dolphin trainer. So naturally, she showed up in a dolphin costume on night 1. Except it wasn’t a dolphin costume. It was a shark costume, a la Katy Perry’s Super Bowl Left Shark.

See below:

The dolphin-loving Alexis refused to acknowledge the truth, instead doubling down, continuing to insist that she was in a dolphin costume. But, of course, Bachelor Nation took note:

If any dolphin truthers still exist, please take a look at the two images below. The first, a shark costume, has gills. The second, a dolphin costume, does not. To be clear, sharks are fish, and they breathe through gills as they move through the water; dolphins are mammals, and they breathe by surfacing periodically to take in air through blowholes.

This is a shark costume. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE. 

It may be some comfort to marine biologists and actual dolphin trainers, however, that Alexis appeared to be the only one confused by her costume. In a Buzzfeed community poll, 97 percent of respondents agreed that she was wearing a shark costume. Even as he, perhaps unwisely, offered the hapless aspiring dolphin professional a rose, Nick insisted, firmly, “You’re a shark.” “I’m a dolphin!” she shot back. “Well, agree to disagree,” he said.

Even on the “Bachelor” for Hillary Clinton’s America, the relationship to cold, hard scientific fact is now all Trump’s America.

For more on “The Bachelor” premiere, check out HuffPost’s Here To Make Friends podcast below:

Do people love “The Bachelor,” “The Bachelorette” and “Bachelor in Paradise,” or do they love to hate these shows? It’s unclear. But here at “Here to Make Friends,” we both love and love to hate them — and we love to snarkily dissect each episode in vivid detail. Podcast edited by Nick Offenberg.

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