Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
5yo:”Mom you know why I love you more than anything? Because you make the best blueberry muffins ever!” *tosses container from store bakery*
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) April 7, 2014
Me: Want me to make you some toast?
3: Don’t burn it, OK?
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) April 9, 2014
I never feel as close to another mom than when she backs me up in a lie I told my kid. #ItTakesAVillage
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) April 9, 2014
My 4yo son asked if he could earn a cat. I said yes, first you need to grow up, get a job, move out and then he can have a cat. He said YAY!
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) April 6, 2014
(Driving my 9yr old home from party)
“Who was the man there?”
“Oh! He looked young.”
“Yeah, well don’t get any ideas.”
— Jeni (@highlyirritable) April 6, 2014
You know that old joke about your kid playing the tree in the school play? Mine has escaped such a fate. She is playing grass.
— Liz Gumbinner (@Mom101) April 10, 2014
Confession: When my kids do their homework, I hide in the pantry and eat Dutch caramel cookies. Let’s keep this our little secret, shall we?
— Ilina Ewen (@IlinaP) April 8, 2014
Always be the seeker in hide & seek. It’s 30 second of peace. I tweeted that while “counting.”
— Jason Good (@jasonmgood) April 9, 2014
My son just yelled “MOM!” seven times while I was taking a shower. Haha, like I was going to answer that.
— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) April 7, 2014
While braiding my almost 6 yo’s hair, THIS: “I can’t wait to grow up and have mom hair and not have to comb it all the time!” Well, crap.
— Jenn Horton (@jennhorton) April 7, 2014
All my friends surprising their kids with Disney trips make me feel bad because my kid’s surprises mostly involve ambush booster shots.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) April 8, 2014
Kids are like credit card debt that you have to feed and yell at.
— Paper Wash© (@PaperWash) April 10, 2014
The 3yro mooned the baby and then sang “Shake yer bum bum! Shake yer bum bum!” #goodlord
— lyz lenz (@lyzl) April 8, 2014
You’re crying because you fell and got hurt doing what I told you not to do because you’d fall and get hurt doing it? How very surprising.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 8, 2014
My kid just let me pull a deep splinter out of her with my bare hands. Calling Chuck Norris for a paternity test.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) April 9, 2014
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
— The Walking Dad (@RealDMK) April 3, 2013
When you have kids and it’s quiet, you think “Someone’s about to lose a limb.” Then you remember limbs can be sewn back on & enjoy the quiet
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) April 9, 2014
Having kids is not for everyone, but if you like awesome science experiments that last decades, it’s kind of cool.
— Adam Mordecai (@advodude) April 6, 2014
I gave the kids a colander to play with in the bath. I’ll remind them of this in July when they ask me to take them to Splashwater Kingdom.
— Mamatoga (@Mamatoga) April 8, 2014
If Spider-Man took as long to put on his costume as JJ takes to put on his Spidey PJs, we’d all be dead now.
— Brent Almond (@DesignerDaddy) April 8, 2014
Yet Another Way Parenting Is Like College: Late at night, I eat hummus and crackers over the sink so I won’t have to do extra dishes.
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) April 8, 2014
When you have a toddler, going to bed at night IS your nap.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 10, 2014
My 2yo just asked why these guys are ‘fighting’.
We are officially watching “Cars” too much. pic.twitter.com/u8Ohr2lKjk
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) April 7, 2014
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