Best Tweets: What Women Said On Twitter This Week

The holiday season is officially here. Mary Charlene is definitely in the Christmas spirit, tweeting: “My ugly Christmas sweater perfectly matches my ugly personality.” Oh.. adorable.

Twitter user Tammy is celebrating a bit differently this year, tweeting, “Tequila has never made my clothes fall off. // Challenge accepted.” Sounds like a great way to ditch that ugly sweater.

For more great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.

My favorite Christmas carol is the one where they blame the weather for their social anxiety and just stay home.

— (maura) (@behindyourback) December 18, 2014

[During Interview]
“Do you have any questions?”
– Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

— Jamie Lynn (@Jay_FrickinLynn) December 14, 2014

“this salad is really hitting the spot”
– no one ever

— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) December 15, 2014

my ugly Christmas sweater perfectly matches my ugly personality

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) December 17, 2014

I’m Irish on my mom’s side, narcissistic maniac on my dad’s.

— Shalyah Evans (@ShalyahEvans) December 17, 2014

Just got sent a bottle of red wine and a blanket at work, because apparently someone wants me to accomplish nothing today.

— Emma Gray (@emmaladyrose) December 16, 2014

“I had to wonder.. are our girlfriends our real soul mates, and males are just biological accidents?” – me if I was a popular dating blogger

— Callie Beusman (@cal_beu) December 16, 2014

Home for the Honda Days

— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) December 16, 2014

I am in my own clique, just me, myself, and all my other personalities

— Feeds On Your Soul (@tiemespankme) December 17, 2014

Hypocrites

Because the world needs yet another derivative of assholes.

— ALICE (@In_Twittaland) December 15, 2014

Always hated Merry-Go-Rounds.

I can go nowhere in my own life.
And not get nauseous doing it.

— Ginger (@GingerJ17) December 16, 2014

Plug the coffee maker into an Ethernet hub to see what happens.
Not (too) much.

— ~Tweety~ (@XAIMMadellynne) December 15, 2014

I’ve noticed that my last hour at work is usually spent coming up with different reasons as to why I can’t cook dinner when I get home.

— NotTHATSheila (@peb671) December 16, 2014

You know you’re tired when you drop something and negotiate with yourself how badly you need it…before you bend down to pick it up.

— blondie (@Blonde4Dayz) December 16, 2014

Who called it “twittercide” and not “doing something productive and meaningful with your life?”

— protolalia (@protolalia) December 17, 2014

Those stick figures on the back of cars represent what’s in there?

*Attaches pics of dried cheese sticks, 13 random socks & biohazard sign*

— Marl beans (@Marlebean) December 16, 2014

The amount of times you tell yourself it doesn’t matter is directly proportional to how much it does.

— Ann (@writerPT) December 16, 2014

You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why. Life gets worse when you’re an adult.

— Tweets by Dreidel (@OhNoSheTwitnt) December 17, 2014

Tequila has never made my clothes fall off

Challenge accepted

— Tammy (@OkieGirl405) December 16, 2014

“whale” is the weakest insult ever. oh, i have a giant brain and rule the sea with my majesty? what have you accomplished lately, steve?

— Lindy West (@thelindywest) December 19, 2014

Imagine me, sexting you.
Nope.
More sitting on the toilet.

— NickyNackyNoo (@BritishNicx) October 10, 2014

Ways to get me to fall in love with you:

1. Be a donut.

— The Alicianater (@leechee420) December 19, 2014

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Darlene Love Sings ‘Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)’ For David Letterman One Last Time

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Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways — so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.

Our guest curator this week is Kate Hall, co-editor (with Science of Parenthood‘s Norine Dworkin-McDaniel and Jessica Ziegler) of The Big Book of Parenting Tweets. Kate also blogs at Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine? and right here on HuffPost Parents. Read her selections below, and follow @HuffPostParents and @KateWhineHall on Twitter for more!

There’s half a bagel on the counter… I think only one kid licked it. It’s yours if you want it.

-how I make breakfast for my husband.

— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) December 16, 2014

Hey a Slinky! This is cool, how do you do it again? It’s tangled. Can we get another one?

The 2 minute lifespan of every kid’s Slinky

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 16, 2014

My daughter got up to get a glass of milk and I ended up watching 3 seasons of Curious George

— Midnight Cowboy (@cowboyjeffkent) December 17, 2014

You never stop playing Mario Kart until someone is crying.

— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) December 17, 2014

My wife just angrily announced, “I’m going to have lots of yelling to do when I get home!” My kids are terrified. And I just pooped.

— Hazel Goats (@hazelmotes1) December 19, 2014

A recordable Christmas storybook for my kids from my folks. How sweet.

My favorite part is hearing the ice in Grandpa’s martini glass.

— Nick Dadamantium (@dadamantium) December 18, 2014

They could probably build a new exhibit at Legoland with the contents of my vacuum bag.

— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 15, 2014

Props to the moms tailgating before the preschool sing-a-long.

— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) December 17, 2014

I like Christmas shopping because it gives me a chance to put distinct dollar values on my love for each individual family member.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) December 17, 2014

If there was a prize you could win for the most threats to cancel Christmas, I would be World Champion.

— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) December 18, 2014

When one door closes another one opens. Unless it’s me closing the bathroom door. Then it’s just my kids opening the same door.

— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) December 16, 2014

Kid sings a Christmas song once: Aw, that’s cute.

Five times: OK, you can stop now, honey.

Sixty-five times: MORE EGGNOG.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 17, 2014

*at work*

“I try not to bring my home life into work”

*drops purse

*hot wheels and animal crackers fall everywhere

— Lauren P (@WorkingMom86) December 17, 2014

*late to pick up kids from school*

*still sits in Starbucks drive-thru 10 cars deep*

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 16, 2014

What’s the difference between giving somebody hand-me-downs and re-gifting?

Wrapping paper.

Merry Christmas little brothers & sisters.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 19, 2014

I asked my son for a Sweetart and he gave me a yellow one so I guess we’ve officially reached the “I hate my mom” years.

— Manda (@lilgapeach32) December 18, 2014

Criteria for selecting which family photo becomes our Christmas card:
1. Do I look good?
2. ….. yeah, that’s all.

— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) December 16, 2014

After enough shots, a toddler bed is actually quite comfortable.

— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) December 15, 2014

I wanted some Cheetos and we were totally out of Cheetos and then it hit me: under my toddler’s carseat! I’m good now.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 17, 2014

12: Don’t touch my video game. I’m going to bed
18: Ok
12 exits
18 takes selfie playing 12’s game & sends it
Screaming erupts from 12’s room

— So Done Mom (@Momtoteens) December 18, 2014

Lunchables. For when you’re either too young or too drunk to care.

— Misstlovestrinkets (@mstluvstrinkets) December 17, 2014

With work, kids’ school parties and Christmas shopping, I’ve only been able to devote about 4 hrs a day to Twitter.

I feel so detached.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) December 17, 2014

Oh the weather outside isn’t nearly as frightful as the shitstorm inside this house.

— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) December 16, 2014


‘Best Case Scenario’ Photo Series Captures The Imperfect But Glorious Mess That Is Parenting

Lifestyle photographer Danielle Guenther has spent over two years taking pictures of families and children in their own homes. After one particular session “spiraled out of control,” she started making a point to capture the candid moments of chaos that all parents experience, she told The Huffington Post.

danielle guenther

“Parenthood is messy, but wow, the unflattering side can still be so beautiful,” Guenther said. After publishing a few of these messier images of parenting to her website and Facebook page, the photographer started receiving requests from other moms and dads, who wanted their own “real” family pictures taken.

Thus, her “Best Case Scenario” photo series was born. “So many parents love supporting the realism behind parenting and finding a comedy in it all,” Guenther said. “Parents really do have the best sense of humor behind closed doors!” The photographer meets with families to learn their stories and see the situations that arise in their everyday lives, from siblings fighting to kitchen disasters.

For Guenther, these less-than-picture-perfect moments reflect her own experience as mom to a 5-year-old boy. “We’re all in the same boat,” she said. “Somedays it’s hard, somedays it’s easy.”

Ultimately, the photographer and mom hopes that her photos will remind other parents to “embrace the chaos,” she said. “Because some day you’ll look into to your son or daughters eyes and see them at 4-years-old…10….18…and want one small moment back.”

Below are a few photos from Guenther’s “Best Case Scenario” series.

H/T Popsugar Moms

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Hire A Hairy Man In Boy Shorts If You Really Want To Raise Money

Not that you needed any, but here’s more proof that sex –- of any kind –- sells.

Eager to encourage donors to give back this season, UK’s Save the Children commissioned British comedian Harry Enfield to strut down the beach in the middle of winter wearing nothing but the hair on his back and some teeny red boy shorts.

The short spot is a spoof of Southern Comfort’s recent “Whatever’s Comfortable” campaign, which featured your everyday man who ambles on the sand until finally gets his hands on a glass of the sweet liqueur, Adweek pointed out.

But in the nonprofit’s version of the ad, Enfield concludes his walk by putting on a classic holiday sweater and grabbing a donation bucket. The added layer of clothing reminded supporters to get involved with the organization’s Christmas Jumper Day.

The campaign, — which kicked off on Dec. 12 — called on the UK to put on their Christmas pullovers and then make a donation to Save the Children.

It asked adults to give 2 pounds (about $3) and for children to donate 1 pound (about $1.50).

It may not seem like much, but the organization noted that just 2 pounds could buy potentially life-saving antibiotics to treat three newborns fighting infections.

‘Tis the season to give — and wear pants, might we add. Brrr.

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Ethan Nadelmann and Stephen Colbert on Drugs

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I’m With Stupid: Genetically, It’s the Same Thing as a Chihuahua

Looking for that perfect last-minute holiday gift? Have you considered a wolf cub? No, seriously. They’re a little pricey at about $500, but that’s way cheaper than your average, run-of-the-mill whatever-poo.

You may scoff, but if you know any wealthy landowners in Kazakhstan, you would totally make their рождество (pronounced: ruhzh-dees-TVOH) by buying them a wolf cub. Apparently, they’re all the rage among the elite in the Almaty region this holiday season.

Well, OK, maybe they’re not all the rage, but Almas Zhaparov, a Kazakh wolf expert interviewed for a KTK television channel report, had this to say about the practice of buying wolves to keep as pets and guard dogs, “If nothing is done, the fashion could spread to wealthy Kazakhs.”

That quote might make it sound as if Zhaparov thinks keeping wolves is a bad idea, but I’m not entirely convinced that’s the case. I mean, sure, he did call them “ticking time bombs” that “can go off at any minute,” but I don’t think you can read too much into that. And that’s certainly not a reason for a wealthy Kazakh not to buy a wolf.

Personally, I think a wolf would make a great pet, and lest you think I’m just speaking theoretically, you should know that my uncle used to have a wolf as a pet. And he wasn’t like some hermit or guy living on a huge ranch; he lived in Marin County at the time.

I was told the creature, whose name I can’t recall, was 95 percent wolf, but as that seems virtually impossible, I’m going to assume it was just a lie my uncle made up to get past California’s prohibition on keeping wolves and first-generation wolf-dog hybrids as pets.

Regardless, in my experience, she was a wonderful pet — affectionate, gentle, obedient — but she did have one troubling quirk. If you snuck up behind her and spooked her, she would pee all over herself. But that was more like a fun party trick than a reason to be concerned. I’m sure it wasn’t a sign that the wolf was still mostly wild.

There’s a reason wolves play a role in so many of our most cherished fairy tales, dance with Kevin Costner and play bad basketball in Minnesota. It’s because they’re cute, sweet and cuddly, and if you let them eat your grandma, they can even talk. What grandparent wouldn’t want to go out like that and do something nice for their grandkids?

If you need further testimony as to how awesome pet wolves are, take it from the aptly named Nurseit Zhylkyshybay, the wolf owner featured in the report: “Our family and neighbors aren’t scared of him at all. If the wolf is well fed and cared for, he won’t attack you, although he does eat a lot more than a dog.”

On that note, if you are thinking about getting a wolf and you have children, you might want to make sure the wolf gets enough to eat. I’m not saying your beloved pet might eat your children; I’m just saying it’s not a great idea to have a hungry wolf around a baby.

Some Kazakhs think the growing trend of keeping wolves as pets is a result of the government failing to cull wolves in the first place. As one online commenter noted, “You can’t blame villagers for using wolves to fend off wolves.”

That’s entirely correct, but I think it overlooks the fact that pet wolves are good for so much more than just fending off other wolves. Even if you live in a relatively wolf-free place like, for instance, Marin County, a wolf makes a wonderful companion right up until the moment it tries to bite your face off when you give it a kiss.

So go buy some wolf cubs and give them to all your friends and family this Christmas, even if they’re not wealthy Kazakhs. I know lots of folks right here in America who would appreciate a good wolf.

Incidentally, if you’re wondering why you’ve heard the name Almaty before, it may be because the city of Almaty — where there are apparently so many wolves that people are buying wolves to protect themselves from wolves — has a 50/50 chance of hosting the 2022 Winter Olympics (the only other bid is from Beijing).

God, I hope Almaty gets those games. It would make all the non-biathlon cross-country skiing events really interesting if all but the top finishers ran the risk of being hunted down and devoured.

Todd Hartley promises he only made his uncle’s wolf pee once. To read more or leave a comment, please visit zerobudget.net.