Here’s What It Would Look Like If Inspirational Quotes Were Honest, Vol. 2

What is the sound of one hand clicking to unfollow a friend who posts way too many quotes?

Ah, the inspirational quote. It’s become social media’s emotional currency. Like that jar of Nutella on your bedside table, quotes on images are fine in moderation. But the more you see them, the more your heart turns to stone. You start actually seeing the brutal truth behind the quote, and it becomes anything but inspirational.

Here are some of those inspirational quotes you’re always sharing, and their more honest translations:

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Rachel Feinstein And Nate Bargatze Give Advice To Their Younger Selves On ‘Too Long; Didn’t Listen’ Ep. 15

Truth: you can make almost anything sound inspirational if you play the right music.

On the 15th episode of “Too Long; Didn’t Listen,” comedians Rachel Feinstein and Nate Bargatze discuss their latest stand-up endeavors and everything from creepy memories about the Easter Bunny to dreams of being a criminal profiler.

Feinstein has a new stand-up album coming out this year, is currently producing a pilot for Comedy Central with Amy Schumer and will make a cameo in the movie “Trainwreck” this summer. And to think, all this after shirking college as a teenager to move to New York City with a band called Dicksister and getting fired from her first job “On Broadway” (at a store called Phat) after just four hours.

Bargatze’s new one-hour special, “Full Time Magic,” is premiering on Comedy Central on Friday, May 2, at midnight, the title of which is a nod to his father, who is actually a magician. Things weren’t always top hats and tuxedos though, as Bargatze explains. His father used to be a clown who made family pictures extra weird and once gave the Easter Bunny a ride home from the mall (side note: that might be the saddest end of a sentence ever written).

Listen until the end to hear the advice Bargatze and Feinstein would have given themselves when they were first starting out, including a speech that we made extra-inspirational with the addition of a little mood music:

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Stolen Moment of the Week: Gabe Liedman, Max Silvestri, and Jenny Slate at Warsaw

Who:
Gabe Liedman, Max Silvestri, Jenny Slate
Where:
Warsaw, 261 Driggs Ave, Brooklyn, NY
When:
April 26, 2015
What:
Comedy super trio Gabe Liedman, Max Silvestri, and Jenny Slate before the very last “Big Terrific” show.

This link has photos from last night’s show at Warsaw, with special guests Joe Mande, Greg Johnson, and Hannibal Buress.

This link has photos from the last show at Cameo Gallery on April 22 with guests Louis C.K., Jesse Klein, Emily Heller, Jared Logan, Nick Turner, Sheng Wang, Jo Firestone, and Ron Lynch.

Stolen Moment of the Week is a series featuring the work of photographer Mindy Tucker, who has been documenting the comedy scene in New York for the last seven years. Each week, Tucker picks her favorite image from one of the many stages, green rooms, after parties and private sessions she shoots, and gives you the details behind it.

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I’m With Stupid: To Bestialize or Not to Bestialize, That Is the Question

Many years ago, as part of an assignment in elementary school, I wrote a report on Denmark, a place where I had never been and still have yet to visit. The report was filled with descriptions of quintessentially Danish wonders such as smorgasbords, “The Little Mermaid,” pastries with fruit and/or cheese and the notion that a country the size of a football field was in control of a massive icebound island on the far side of the Atlantic.

Based on my report, and despite subsequent attempts — such as having to read “Hamlet” — to turn me against the Danes, I have always had a soft spot in my heart for Denmark. Admittedly, I thought it odd that people inhabiting a tiny peninsula jutting out from the north coast of Germany thought themselves somehow genetically and socially different than their neighbors to the south (it was, I concluded, as if the residents of Cape Cod considered themselves a separate race from Bostonians), but that never made me think less of the Danes as a people.

However, I now fear my affection for everything Danish may have been misplaced. For you see, I just learned that until earlier this week, Denmark was the only northern European country in which bestiality was still legal. Now, I have yet to engage in bestiality, so perhaps I shouldn’t judge, but it nevertheless bothered me that the Danes tacitly condoned its practice.

Actually, I suppose I should clarify that, because “condoned” is probably too strong a word. Bestiality was indeed legal in Denmark until April 21, but at least there was a ban on intercourse that harms animals.

The problem, of course, as a Danish farm minister noted in an op-ed piece, was that “it’s hard to prove that an animal suffers when a human has sexual intercourse with it.” I daresay some egotistical types might even swear the animals enjoy it when there’s ample foreplay involved.

So, given that loophole, and the fact that bestiality has long been outlawed in nearby countries such as Sweden, Norway, Germany and England, Denmark had evidently become a hotbed of animal sex tourism, making it sort of a furrier version of Amsterdam, Thailand or Costa Rica.

According to the Danish Ethical Council for Animals, prior to last week’s ban, there had been “frequent reports of the occurrence of organized animal sex shows, clubs and animal brothels in Denmark.” The council did note that it had been unable to verify the reports, but a 2011 Justice Ministry survey found that Danish veterinarians suspected that about 17 percent of the animals they treated had intercourse with a human, so, yeah, there probably were animal sex clubs.

(On a side note, how could the council not verify the reports? They obviously didn’t try very hard, as it couldn’t take more than a couple of hours to thoroughly inspect every building in the country.)

Regardless, Denmark, in addition to its reputation for smorgasbords and pastries, was becoming known as a place to go if you were just dying to mount a horse in the Biblical sense, and animal-rights activists were understandably concerned. Even in the American South, that’s not exactly the kind of image you want your tourism office to tout to potential visitors.

Thus, in response, a bill was passed that finally made having sex with animals against the law in Denmark. I suppose we should all be proud of the Danes for taking such a step, and if it were 1815, I would be. Unfortunately, it’s 2015, and the thought that bestiality could persist for this long brings up a lot of disturbing questions, as did the story I read about the whole affair.

For instance, the story mentioned “Those voting for the bill.” Does this mean there were politicians in Denmark who didn’t vote for the bill? That’s a little odd. The story also said Denmark was the “last northern European country where bestiality was legal.” If that’s the case, what the hell is going on in southern Europe? Actually, scratch that; I don’t want to know.

In closing, though, I will offer one backhanded defense of the Danes. As I mentioned, Denmark is the original home of the Little Mermaid, and she was pretty hot. So if you believe in mermaids and consider them animals, I can kind of see why you might want bestiality to remain legal in case you ever happen upon a flippered femme fatale.

No, even then, there’s still no justification for having sex with animals.

Todd Hartley needs a long, hot shower after writing about something this gross. To read more or leave a comment, please visit zerobudget.net.

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Elders Try Snapchat For The First Time And Their Reactions Are Priceless

Snapchat is no doubt one of the hottest apps around right now, but not everyone gets the point of sending pictures and videos that will self-destruct.

In The Fine Brothers latest installment of “Elders React,” they had their crew of older (and wiser) folks weigh in on the photo messaging application.

While they seemed amused at first, taking selfies and adding doodles to their snaps, they were puzzled and less-than-thrilled when they learned that their photos would be gone within hours. “Why would anyone do that?” one of the elders asked. “It’s kinda stupid,” said another.

But a few of the others were a little quicker to pick up on why the app might be used by those wanting to send less-than-innocent messages (though the majority of users say they use it primarily to share funny content).

“All that sexting and texting and nude pictures and all that — politicians should get into this,” one of the elders commented.

Check out the rest of the reactions in the video above.

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The Whimsical, Photoshop-Free Newborn Pictures You Have To See To Believe

Polish parents Ania Waluda and Michal Zawer are photographers and bloggers, and when their daughter Emilia was born, they decided to get extra creative with their newborn photos.

Inspired by imaginative twentieth century photographers like Philippe Halsman and Jean Dieuzaide, Waluda and Zawer created a photo shoot that was both whimsical and Photoshop-free.

“The main idea behind this photo shoot was our daughter’s safety,” the parents told The Huffington Post, adding, “We didn’t want to use any extraordinary props.” Instead, they created images by simply laying baby Emilia on a mattress, alongside her father and various small props. Then, Waluda captured the images from above (taking a few short breaks when Emilia fell asleep). The experience was “quality family time” and “really good fun” the parents recalled.

“We wanted to inspire other people to take creative newborn pictures rather than using awkward props and scenography,” Zawer and Waluda explained. “Also, we wanted to show that you can create a dramatic impression with a small model feeling comfortable and super safe.”

H/T BoredPanda

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