‘Avengers’ Strangely Makes More Sense With Bad Lip Reading

With so many things going on in the “Avengers” movies, it’s surprising Ultron just didn’t short-circuit from trying to keep up with the plot. Now, for fans who love the movies — but have no idea what’s going on — the Bad Lip Reading YouTube channel is here to save the day.

In the new video, “Redneck Avengers: Tulsa Nights,” Bad Lip Reading imagines what the Avengers would be like in a country-themed reality show. No, it doesn’t make sense, but quotes about spicy nachos and fancy pajamas sure are a lot easier to keep up with than what the heck is happening with the Tesseract, the Chitauri aliens or just about anything with Thor.

Also, thanks to the first “Avengers” movie, there are a lot of theories about what Loki was really after. This video, however, explains the guy just wants Skittles, cigarettes and some Big League Chew — which actually sounds like a pretty fantastic time.

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‘Mad Max’ Got Mashed Up With ‘Mario Kart,’ And It Is Perfect In Every Way

Now this is a lovely day.

In the parody trailer to end them all, “Mad Max: Fury Road” has been combined with the “Mario Kart” franchise. And if you thought “Max” couldn’t get more awesome, just wait until some green shells are added in. Now, that’s madness.

Visual effects artist Kris Sundberg is reported to be the mastermind behind the project. With the sequel “Mad Max: The Wasteland” already in the works, we can only hope filmmakers get inspired to include Sundberg and a few Italian plumbers, too.

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Classic ‘Seinfeld’ Joke Is Revealed To Be A Huge Easter Egg

Secret gags in “Seinfeld” are real, and they’re spectacular.

There are Superman figures slyly appearing in episodes, writers dropping in the names of their friends and tons of hidden references the show creators even forgot were there. Well, now we know of at least one more.

When “The Chinese Restaurant” episode aired on May 23, 1991, NBC was not a fan. Larry David has said the network “hated” the episode and didn’t think waiting around to get a seat in a restaurant would work as a storyline. Now, it’s recognized as one of the most iconic episodes, and it turns out its most memorable joke has been an Easter egg this whole time, according to former “Seinfeld” writer Spike Feresten.

“Like Deep Throat … This goes all the way to the top,” said Feresten, who went on to reveal the famous line’s hidden meaning to The Huffington Post.

The Joke: “Who’s Cartwright?”

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Image: YouTube

In the episode, George is waiting for a woman to call him at the Chinese restaurant. When she does call, the host calls out “Cartwright” instead of George’s name. It’s super hilarious and prompts this discussion between Jerry and George:

JERRY
Who’s Cartwright?

GEORGE
I’m Cartwright …

JERRY
You’re not Cartwright.

GEORGE
[EXPLODING] Of course I’m not
Cartwright …

It has been a mystery for 24 years, but now, thanks to Feresten, we know who the real Cartwright is.

The Big Reveal: “Costanza (sounds like) ‘Bonanza’ = Cartwright”

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Image: Giphy

Yep. This whole time Cartwright has been a reference to the classic Western show “Bonanza,” which followed the wild adventures of the Cartwright family.

Though the episode happened before he joined the show, Feresten says the info comes from “an unimpeachable source.” The writer was mum on if it was in fact one of the show creators — either David or Jerry Seinfeld — but, as we mentioned, did say it went “all the way to the top.”

Whoa.

So there you have it, kids. The mystery of why the host calls out “Cartwright” has finally been solved. Now if only Jerry could get a table …

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Image: Crackle

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Sting Sings With Jimmy Fallon’s Ragtime Gals In Surprise Appearance

The Ragtime Gals may look like big packs of Fruit Stripe gum, but you can’t deny they have style.

Jimmy Fallon’s barbershop quartet decided to break out a little “Roxanne” on “The Tonight Show” Friday, and what better way to do that than with a surprise appearance by Sting?

The English musician popped out from behind the group right at the beginning of the performance. He later admitted it was hard for him to switch up how he usually does the song, but he still pulled it off flawlessly.

Fallon’s group has already performed with big names such as Steve Carell and Kevin Spacey. So this latest collaboration with Sting seems only fitting because every breath they take, every move they make has been awesome.

“The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” airs weeknights at 11:35 p.m. ET on NBC.

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Sign Says…

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Mike Huckebee Stands Up for the Duggars… and Jeb Bush?

No one ever said the Duggars were perfect except the Duggars. Well, not perfect, just better than you. So, while it might be ghoulish fun to read that their show has been removed from TLC’s schedule, I remind myself that forgiveness is an obligation, at least in my faith. I can’t speak to anyone else’s crazy crap.

Naturally, the Duggars have unpleasant secrets — whom the gods would destroy, they first make yeech.

So we’re all — Christians, I mean — stuck with the Duggars. But the person who’s really stuck with them is former Fox News personality Mike Huckabee. They’re all over his presidential campaign. Which is why he stood up for them this morning, in a Facebook post that already had 1.7 million likes.

The funny thing about Huckabee’s post, though, is if you go through it, and change the family name from “Duggar” to “Bush,” it pretty much sums up how the entire Republican Party feels about Jeb Bush, George W. and the hundreds of thousands of people George W. killed in Iraq.

Maybe Mike can use it when he endorses Jeb at the convention.

Look:

Janet and I want to affirm our support for the Duggar/Bush family. Josh’s/George’s actions when he was an underage teen/ President of the United States are as he described them himself, ‘inexcusable’/’hypothetical,’ but that doesn’t mean ‘unforgivable.’ He and his family dealt with it and were honest and open about it with the victims and the authorities. No purpose whatsoever is served by those who are now trying to discredit Josh/George or his family by sensationalizing the story.

Good people make mistakes and do regrettable and even disgusting things.

The reason that the law protects disclosure of many actions on the part of a minor/President of the United States is that the society has traditionally understood something that today’s blood-thirsty media does not understand — that being a minor/President means that one’s judgement is not mature.

No one needs to defend Josh’s/George’s actions as a teenager/Commander-in-chief, but the fact that he confessed his sins to those he harmed, sought help, and has gone forward to live a responsible and circumspect life as an adult/recluse is testament to his family’s authenticity and humility.

Those who have enjoyed revealing this long ago sins in order to discredit the Duggar/Bush family have actually revealed their own insensitive bloodthirst, for there was no consideration of the fact that the victims wanted this to be left in the past and ultimately a judge/Dick Cheney had the information on file destroyed–not to protect Josh/George, but the innocent victims.

Janet and I love Jim Bob/George Poppy and Michelle/Barbara and their entire family. They are no more perfect a family than any family, but their Christian witness is not marred in our eyes because following Christ is not a declaration of our perfection, but of HIS perfection.

It is precisely because we are all sinners that we need His grace and His forgiveness. We have been blessed to receive God’s love and we would do no less than to extend our love and support for our friends. In fact, it is such times as this, when real friends show up and stand up.

Today, Janet and I want to show up and stand up for our friends. Let others run from them. We will run to them with our support.

Bush/Huckabee ’16! You read it here first.

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An Adult’s Preposterous, Laughable, No Good, Very Real Day

Have you read the amazing children’s book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst? If not, you should. Here’s my parody of the original, from an adult’s point of view:

I went to bed with my $750 night guard in my mouth and now it’s lost in my room, and when I woke up this morning my kids were cranky (“Out of my room!”) and starving (“Cereal, stat!”) and we were out of milk, and by mistake I got black mascara all over my hands and then wiped them on my white, silk shirt. I could tell it was going to be a preposterous, laughable, no good, very real day.

On the subway, one guy was twitching and another was talking to himself, two people were making out in a way that should be reserved for a private place, a woman put her hairy armpit in my face and I swear I saw another woman’s pubes poking through her pants. I looked around for someone, anyone, normal, and I found him! I tried to make eye contact in a way that said, “At least we have each other” but then he started twitching and doing weird things with his mouth and something wet dripped on my head. I think I’ll move to Canyon Ranch.

During a break at work, I checked in with Facebook and saw links to secondary drowning and how to recognize a stroke, stories about spouses dying, children getting electrocuted and mass shootings. I am paralyzed with fear. I can’t leave the building because I might get run over by a car on the sidewalk, but I can’t stay in the building because someone might come in and shoot all of us. My anxiety is making me anxious. I really need to go to Canyon Ranch. It was going to be a preposterous, laughable, no good, very real day.

At lunch, my colleague, Jim, got a turkey sandwich with American cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and coleslaw on a roll, with a chocolate milkshake to wash it down, and another colleague, Tom, got pizza, a large coke, and garlic knots. I had mixed greens with sprouts and a bottle of water. Can’t seem to shed the last 10 pounds of baby weight.

Just as I was settling back into work, my daughter’s school called to tell me that she had puked and that I had to pick her up immediately. It took an hour to get 40 blocks. The puke was all over her brand new shoes and jacket and when I hugged her, the smell was so bad that I threw up a little in my mouth, and then swallowed it. When I dropped my daughter off at home, I noticed that my sitter didn’t look so great. She probably has Ebola. It was a preposterous, laughable, no good, very real day.

Back at the office, my computer was down. Tech support advised me to try restarting it. Maybe I could work for tech support. While my computer was rebooting, I looked over my “to do” list (all 47 items and growing by the second). I have to fill out camp forms for the kids, go on a diet, refill prescriptions, grocery shop, find a group to join (I’m not vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free or raw foods only, so I don’t know where I fit in), get highlights, make photo albums of the kids before they leave for college, register the kids for Fall activities, order food for my son’s birthday party, call a friend, replace the light bulbs, learn to cook, start a blog, call the cable company, teach my son to read, send thank you notes and go to the gym. I took a break from the gym for 15 years. I advise against that. This is the kind of preposterous, laughable, no good, very real day that makes me want to scream, “Screw this, I’m moving to Canyon Ranch!” But who would care?

I knew it was going to be a preposterous, laughable, no good, very real day because I forgot my best friend’s birthday, even though I had reminders in my phone, in Microsoft Outlook and in my written calendar. Yeah, I still keep a written calendar, so what? My friend said she didn’t care that I forgot her birthday but now I bet she’s going to get back at me by “forgetting” my birthday, and then I won’t even have the right to be mad at her. I also pissed off this “cool” woman who I do charity work with, you know the type: she’s really loud because she has nothing intelligent or interesting to say, and you don’t really like or respect her but you have to pretend to and pretend really well or else you’ll have to stand by yourself at the all of the fundraisers. I hope she moves to Canyon Ranch.

I ran into my brother and his colleagues on the way home from work and he specifically reminded me not to ask his boss about his wife, since they’re going through a divorce. I’m usually good at remembering these kinds of things but all the guys looked exactly the same and I forgot which one was his boss and asked about his wife. After an awkward silence my brother told me not to call him anymore.

It was a preposterous, laughable, no good, very real day.

I made kale and quinoa for dinner even though I hate kale and quinoa. There was no hot water in the shower, my toothpaste was hard, my necklace fell down the drain and I’d already seen the episode of House Hunters that I was counting on to soothe me to sleep. I was out of Ambien, the AC still wasn’t turned on (it’s May!), and my sitter called in sick for tomorrow. You know, because she has Ebola.

It was a preposterous, laughable, no good, very real day.

My shrink says some days are like that. Even at Canyon Ranch.

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12 Gloriously Honest Cards Your Crappy Ex Deserves

If there’s one life experience Hallmark isn’t likely to write about any time soon, it’s the period after a breakup when you’re dying to tell an ex how you really feel.

Luckily, the folks at Someecards have that covered. Below, we’ve rounded up 12 snarky e-cards you’ll wish you could send your ex.

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