American Voices: NYC’s ‘Taxi Of Tomorrow’ Unveiled

The Nissan NV200 minivan was revealed Tuesday as New York City’s newest taxi, featuring a low-annoyance horn and a more comfortable driver’s seat, with city officials announcing plans to roll out thousands more as older models are retired. What do you think?

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Infographic: What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100:

  • Acidification of Earth’s oceans will give seawater refreshing citrus kick
  • Extinction of 80 percent of world’s wildlife to be slightly offset by couple new species of lizard
  • Atmosphere visibly bubbling
  • Vast arid landscape will necessitate the creation of 1,000 new words for the color brown
  • Increased competition for shrinking habitats will finally allow biologists to determine which Arctic species wants it most
  • Temperature of car steering wheel up 18 percent
  • Disappearance of idyllic mountaintop glaciers set between two picturesque peaks may force beverage companies to bottle water from other sources
  • Far more barren desert …

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Commentary: You Really Don’t Know Who People Are Until You Make A Vicious Snap Judgment About Them

People can be tricky to read sometimes. Often, just when you think you’ve got someone all figured out, they throw you a curveball and you realize you don’t have a clue. I guess human nature is complex like that. So what are we to do? Well, if there’s one thing I’ve discovered over the years, it’s that you can never really know a person until you make a vicious snap judgment about their character.

It’s only after you impulsively assign a fixed set of abhorrent traits to someone that you begin to understand who they truly are deep down.

Believe me, getting to really know someone takes work. You have to make an effort to focus on one superficial aspect of their personality and then judge them for it—quickly and harshly. In an ideal situation, this should happen within the first few minutes …

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News in Brief: Relationship In Exciting Early Stage Where Every Exchange Causes Unspeakable Anxiety

GARDEN CITY, GA—Admitting that they often felt like they were still on their first date, local couple Derek Peterson and Tara Meyers told reporters Tuesday that they were in the early, exciting stage of their relationship where every interaction causes deep, unspeakable anxiety. “It’s only been a few weeks, so we’re still in that fun part where you closely examine every single thing you say, carefully choosing each word and rehearsing it in your head to make sure nothing can be misconstrued as off-putting,” said Meyers, adding that she and Peterson were for the moment just savoring the thrill of overanalyzing every text message for signs that some sort of offense was taken. “Sure, couples change over time, but for now we’re just gonna enjoy worrying whether a minor pause in a phone conversation was an indication that someone’s feelings were hurt and that the …

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News in Brief: Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks. “On projects like this, it would probably work better if you bring the design team in for the initial concept meeting with the client to avoid these kinds of complications later on, but I guess you would have known that if you had put even a minute of thought into it from the start,” said Crowell during a one-on-one meeting with one of his project managers, displaying his renowned skill for weaving together valid concerns and helpful pointers with belittling, hurtful jabs to produce a jarring mixture of advice and cruelty. “If I were you, I’d repurpose the basic framework instead of scrapping the …

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News in Brief: Report: Climate Change To Force People To Double Ice Cream Consumption Speed By 2050

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that these projections necessitate immediate action, a report released Thursday by the Environmental Protection Agency revealed that global climate change will force humans to double the speed of their ice cream consumption by the year 2050. “Should greenhouse gas emissions rise according to our current forecasts, the entire global population will need to adapt their ice cream eating habits to the resultant higher temperatures, or risk exposing themselves to sticky hands, faces, and clothing as scoops begin dripping with unprecedented quickness,” said the report’s lead author Amy Ellison, explaining that, within a single generation, humans will have no choice but to eschew any sort of cone and instead opt for a cup and spoon to better contain the faster-melting treat. “Unless we take the necessary steps to reduce CO2 emissions on a global scale, our fate is sealed: ice cream will have to be eaten hastily and …

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American Voices: Researchers: Drinking Water Doesn’t Prevent Hangovers

A new study of 800 Dutch students has concluded that neither drinking water nor eating fatty foods helps significantly ease hangover symptoms after consuming alcohol, emphasizing that the only way to avoid suffering a hangover is to drink less. What do you think?

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