We Went To The Future And Stole Donald Trump’s Debate Notes

We’re close to the first presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and … (deep breath) Donald Trump. And surely there is a ton of preparation happening on both sides. 

HuffPost Comedy, nationwide leader in acquiring leaked debate strategy documents, was able to acquire this leaked debate strategy document from the Trump camp. Let’s see what we have to look forward to.

 

**FOR DONALD TRUMP’S EYES ONLY**

  • Try not to refer to a woman’s breasts as “knockers” or “fun bags.” Instead, opt for the more innocuous “melons.”
  • Make sure the audience is fully aware that your penis is large. 
  • Have at least five solid taco bowl metaphors ready to go at any given time.

Example: Imagine that this taco bowl [HAVE TACO BOWL ONSTAGE] is our border wall and this delicious filling ― made by Mexicans, who I love! ― is our freedom. It’s important that we eat up all that freedom, before anybody ― again, Mexicans, who I love! ― from outside our country gets in there and devours our freedom. [TAKE LARGE, FEROCIOUS BITE OUT OF WALL/TACO BOWL]

  • Would anyone really notice if I had a transmitter planted in my hair to feed me lines?
  • You’re so great.
  • If Lester Holt says you’re wrong about something, just agree with whatever the opposite stance is. If Holt questions that, go back to your original stance. Basically, business as usual.
  • Just to review, the audience is clear on how big your dick is, right?
  • Place “Hillary Sucks, But Not Like Monica” tee on the front of your podium, with the suggested retail price of $19.99 featured prominently. 
  • Tell Clinton “You’re fired!” in that dramatic reality TV way, which everyone loves and is definitely something a president with a big dick would say.
  • God, you’re the f**king best.
  • Bring up Hillary’s stance on TPP and say it over and over again. Really drill that point home even when you’re not talking about TPP.
  • Find out what TPP is.
  • Remind the audience that the “Hillary Sucks, But Not Like Monica” tees are also two for $29.99.
  • How’s your giant dick? Good? Let the audience know.
  • Hillary probably used the bathroom today. Remind the nation how icky that is. Reiterate that, as president, you will never use the bathroom.
  • If Hillary gets flustered or upset, walk over to Lester Holt and say, “Sounds like someone’s got blood coming out of her wherever, amirite?”
  • Try to high-five him.
  • Find a seat close to the stage for your African-American. What a guy! Can you believe that guy? So great!
  • Seat Melania close to the stage, obviously.
  • Maybe seat Ivanka further away, so you’re not distracted by how hot she is.
  • Bring in the bald eagle who tried to attack you during the Time magazine shoot and eat his heart live onstage. Tell the audience that the eagle’s freedom and liberty powers are now your freedom and liberty powers.
  • This debate strategy is so fantastic.

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