Our highly praised institution of lower learning proudly bears the name of its founder, Cheater von Stummer.
Dr., Professor, Reverend (who knows for sure?) Cheater von Stummer comes from a long line of highly credentialed Stummers. Unfortunately, all of the family’s credentials and records were lost in severe flooding at their estate in Transylvania, Romania (*see note below).
Cheater U pledges to give you the essential tools for success in any ethics-challenged shady business.
If you fulfill the guiding principle of Cheater U we promise you a no-money-back guarantee.
We know that it’s sometimes so cold outside that politicians have their hands in their own pockets. But for successful graduates of Cheater U it’s never too cold to have their hands in the pockets of their business partners and clients.
To reinforce our guiding principle, throughout your enrollment at cheater U our administrators, sales people, and teachers will have their hands in your pockets. Our integrity will be proven by our doing what we preach.
• How to pepper your resume with half truths and no truths.
• Basic principles of deceptive ad writing: The 25 strategies for effective lying.
• Mastering bait and switch techniques.
• Conversion techniques for when bait and switch fails.
• Strategies for avoiding paying bills for goods and services.
• Professor Detox’s secrets for spotless money laundering.
• The five best off-shore banks for hiding assets and avoiding the nuisance of paying taxes.
• Tried and proven methods for defrauding clients who have minimal reading ability.
• How to obtain credentials from no-show colleges, universities, and divinity programs, which will certify your expertise in fields you may never have heard of.
• Seductive techniques for setting up clients for the big “con.”
• How to decorate your office and home without mirrors or reflecting surfaces so you don’t have to look at yourself after defrauding clients and driving them to ruin.
• And our most important lesson: How to plan the timing for declaring bankruptcy, after you have squirreled away substantial assets.
For an additional fee and commitment for an annual contribution to the Cheater Humanitarian Foundation to Promote Ethics, Truth, and Compassion you will receive a Magna Cum Laude certification on you diploma from Cheater U, along with praises from important names obtained from gravestones.
On payment in full for the one-year program at Cheater U–and a small retainer fee which will be divulged after you sign a binding contract and agree to our seventy-five page disclaimer–you will be entitled to two free legal defenses (which you will surely need) from our never-lost-a-bad-case killer law firm: Sheister, Goniff, Faker, and Crooke (soon to merge with the prestigious law firm, Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe).
And if you fail to successfully implement all that you have learned at Cheater U and unfairly get prosecuted and sentenced by a rigged system, you will be entitled to a free seminar by our esteemed Chief Financial Officer (**see note below)–who has just been released from federal prison–on “How to thrive in Club Fed while planning your next crooked business.”
Sign up for Cheater University in the next hour and receive a free overnight stay in our simulation of a Club Fed prison cell (additional fees may accrue). This offer is another example showing that Cheater University excels in preparation.
*Note: The Stummer family has vigorously denied the charge of foul play in the loss of their credentials and other records based on the thin evidence of a chapter in Cheater von Stummer’s self-help book, “How To Fake a Flood.”
**Note: CFO Swifty Hustleman was the only candidate to successfully answer the question “how much is one and one?” His inspiring response convinced us that he would grow the value of Cheater U. His answer: How much do you want it to be?
***Note: Origin of the name of our founder.
Cheater von Stummer, given name Dick (von Stummer), acquired his moniker “cheater” in grade school. Dick was so adept at cheating his classmates in trading card transactions that his classmates and a neighborhood three-card-monte dealer heaped praise on him for this talent and dubbed him “cheater.” Dick was so ecstatic from the accolades that he adopted the name “Cheater.” From then on little Dick von Stummer became Cheater von Stummer. In a recent interview he revealed that when he hears his name (Cheater) it brings a smile to his face and energizes him for his business deals.
Bernard Starr, PhD, is Professor Emeritus at the City University of New York (Brooklyn College). His latest book (expanded edition) is “Jesus, Jews, and Anti-Semitism in Art: How Renaissance Art Erased Jesus’ Jewish Identity and How Today’s Artists Are Restoring It.” He is also organizer of the art exhibit “Putting Judaism Back in the Picture: Toward Healing the Christian/Jewish Divide.”
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