Comedians make their living discussing their opinions onstage, but one topic has gone largely undiscussed. Nope, not that. Or that.
Let me help you: it’s cargo shorts.
HuffPost Comedy reached out to comedians and comedy writers across the industry to find out which pocket of the cargo short they fall into. (Sorry.)
“Sometimes, when I am walking through a mall, I will see a middle-aged man with a huge belly wearing white sweat socks and cargo shorts and I think, ‘Oh God, he looks awful and I look exactly like him.’
Then I think about other ways I could dress. Should I go Eurotrash? Preppy? Tennis wear? Tom Wolfe white suits and hat? Nothing makes sense. So I have committed to dressing like a 14-year-old boy forever. Cargo shorts are comfortable, adjustable and adorable. Concert T-shirts and T-shirts from my movies are always in style. White socks help me if I get active. Now that I think about it ― my look is classic. It rocks! Who cares if women, children, adults and older people hate it? I feel good and isn’t that all that matters?”
“I’ve got a sweet pair of camo shorts that I plan on wearing to my wedding someday and also funeral … maybe same day.”
A HAIKU TO CARGO SHORTS WEARERS:
hide hairy knees please
you don’t need all those pockets
just get a man purse
“A lot of people are down on cargo shorts, but what else could you wear when you need to carry four to six medium-sized objects while also giving your calves a taste of summer?”
“I can understand why men like to wear cargo shorts. Where else are you supposed to put your fat wallet with all the money you made being a man? Men make so much money they need extra Velcro pockets to fit it all in. Cargo shorts remind us that men used to fight in wars because they’re vaguely reminiscent of army pants and that’s cool AF. I mean, how else am I supposed to know you are a cool guy? When I see a man in cargo shorts, I know he fucked in high school. Like that guy has condoms in his pockets and probably got a DUI when he was 16. But like, a cool DUI, not a regular DUI.”
“If guys keep wearing embarrassing stuff from the ‘90s, we’ll start too … wait …”
“Many upscale golf courses have banned cargo shorts in recent years. But don’t you worry, cargo short dudes, you will always have Dave & Busters.”
“When cargo shorts were cool, women could put all of their things in them and not need purses. Purses give you back problems. Coincidence or strategic play from the patriarchy?”
“I had a friend whose cargo shorts were an extension of his eccentric personality. He wore them every day and used the pockets like a file cabinet: this is the snack pocket; this is the garbage pocket; this is the notes section, with varying bits of paper shoved inside; here’s where I keep my phone, iPad mini, and Nintendo DS. We weighed him once, with and without the shorts. Those shorts, the mini-storage of fashion, tacked on another seven pounds. He walked around with the pockets filled to the brim like a bizarre techie hobo.”
“Six years ago my wife and I were involved in a terrible fight. Things were said. Now, whenever I am in public with her, I wear a pair of cargo shorts. I have three pairs, in varying shades of course. Because revenge is brutal. Revenge is cold. Revenge comes with extra pockets.”
“I love them. I love staring at those big thigh pockets and wondering what’s in there. And, when I shift my gaze to the lower leg and get a peek at an exposed calf ― I can not help but think ― I am so horny right now. This might sound sarcastic, but I really mean it. I love a man in cargo shorts. I hope the man I marry wears cargo shorts all of the time so I can be like, ‘Honey, will you please put my phone, keys, wallet, lip gloss, notepad, cold medicine, toothbrush kit, hand sanitizer, tampons, half a sandwich, random garbage that I haven’t thrown away yet and my kindle in your pockets?’ A kind, practical man wearing cargo shorts = a girlfriend or wife who doesn’t have to carry a hand bag.”
“Cargo shorts are also amazing if you enjoy treasure hunts. You can find so many lost items you forgot you had deep in those pockets. Cargo Short Fact: no one has ever found all of the pockets on a pair of cargo shorts. There’s always more. If you buy yourself a really good pair, there’s pockets in other pockets. Double pockets, they call ‘em. Xzibit designed them during a hiatus from his show ‘Pimp My Ride.’”
“Ah, Cargo shorts, the grandfather to Crocs. I used to think to myself, how and why would a person ever put themselves through the embarrassment that is wearing these shorts? What could you potentially need to carry? Then I realized, people who wear cargo shorts truly DGAF, usually accompanied by a Big Dogs shirt that says something like ‘I’m the Reason The Beer Is Gone.’ Then it dawned on me, are people wearing cargo shorts doing it right? Clearly they aren’t looking to be Instagrammed because who would document that, perhaps they are living in a world that is not validated by social media likes, completely envious of societal, and for that I am envious of the cargo short wearer. But on the other hand I’m terrified of cargo short wearers because I’m worried they carry a copy of the second amendment in their pockets for reference.”
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