Scientists yet to Determine Cause of Smurfs’ Diminutive Size, Color, and Limited Vocabulary


A gathering of the best scientific minds from around the globe generated few answers to the mysterious origins of the small, blue, humanoid creatures known as the “Smurfs.”

“We thought this summit would be more fruitful,” one scientist said. “We still haven’t ascertained what stunted their growth, the cause of the blue skin pigmentation, or the purpose of those dreadful hats.”

“But this is what we do know,” she continued. “The population produces just one female per hundred. They have a short lifespan–only one, Papa Smurf, has grown to old age. And they have wildly varying levels of sophistication–able to engineer and construct the most elaborate dwellings out of mushrooms while their language remains crude and limited–using the word “smurf” to signify countless things and actions.”

“Perhaps it is this simplicity that allows them to live in a fairly conflict-free community. All clashes between Smurfs are minor and resolved within thirty minutes. Labor is specialized, but they work together and share all possessions. It’s like a neo-Marxist commune complete with irritatingly infectious work song.”

“But the real mystery? Despite having all the qualities that make something cute–rounded heads, big eyes, chubby cheeks, squishy soft bodies–they’re profoundly annoying, much like the Pillsbury doughboy or male members of congress. We would further our research but can’t continue. The Smurfs are just too grating.”

Image: Charles Dana Gibson (1867-1944), “The Weaker Sex“(ca, 1900) , public domain via Wikimedia Commons

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