Revealed: The Real Gay and Transgender Agenda

I’ve been keeping this secret for long enough. It’s time to come clean and clear my conscience.

The real gay and transgender agenda isn’t what we say it is. It never was. We’ve been pretending to fight for equal rights as a cover for our true intention: Converting heterosexual, cisgender people and exploiting those who remain to keep our species thriving. No one will be spared, according to the blueprint that’s hidden in a vault with an impossibly long combination which includes Barbra Streisand’s birthday, Dolly Parton’s dimensions, and World War II era Morse code.

We don’t actually need to pee. The whole bathroom debate is just a veiled attempt to measure the velocity of urine streams in your kind of humans. We excrete our waste in the form of rainbow glitter through synapses in the medulla oblongata. It’s one of the reasons circuit parties became so popular. We never have to stop dancing to use the restroom like our more pedestrian counterparts and our colorful excrement only adds to the festive atmosphere. All those uptight lawmakers are playing right into our hands when they confuse people by talking about men in women’s restrooms and other lies. What they don’t realize is that in the future, all breeding will take place in sterile labs and genitals will matter less than your little brother’s cheesy science project he so zealously tried to get you to care about, but you’d rather flip through the latest J. Crew catalog and pretend to care about the spring line when you really just care about the underwear models.

We’re hopeful we can one day use the urine stream of breeders to power our electricity. Shh.

We came up with the branding for Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. It was a huge inside joke because we knew that everyone from Bill Clinton and John Ashcroft to the high ranking military officials were gay and trans. The plot gave us air cover to carry out our secret observations that helped us conclude everyone is in fact at least a little bit gay when they’re in the Navy. Note: Being a little gay doesn’t make you actually really gay. No, you’re not invited to the circuit party. Ok, fine, you can come, but only if you bring that hot sailor friend of yours.

Marriage was the biggest sham of all. We knew that the fight for marriage equality would create the ultimate diversion for our real plot. While everyone was groveling over WWJD and abomination this, that and the other thing, we were seducing your young adult children. We introduced lures like the Big Gay Ice Cream Truck and Palm Springs to ensnare unsuspecting coeds faster than a grandmother could guilt trip you into marrying a nice Jewish boy.

The best part is that we have the right wing completely fooled. We have for more than 2,000 years (before which time there were no bathroom police or bathrooms for that matter) tricked the general public into thinking we were somehow lesser than them, allowing us to fly entirely under the radar and maintain our cover as the highly evolved species we actually are. The only ones who have been on to us are cats because they have a similar racket. They’re just waiting for the right moment to strike and take back their lawful place as royalty ruling over all humans like they did back in the day in Egypt. They don’t really like us much, except for the lesbians who they seem to have an underground alliance with. We think it has something to do with a common affection for casserole, but aren’t sure.

All those claims that we just want to be like everyone else and not get fired from our jobs or forced to use the wrong restroom are just lip service to fuel our grand scheme. We don’t really like to walk on the beach with our superior hands entwined with our “soul mate” who just happens to have the same bits down there (but a completely different, albeit questionable, taste in music, don’t get me started). We don’t like our great aunt Flora leaving lipstick on our cheeks because she’s finally come around to accepting her “sweet little gay nephew.” We don’t really want to have kids and take them to baseball games or secretly cry when we put them in timeout because we are so rattled with guilt that we’re somehow causing them permanent psychological damage and do they really need to be punished for trying to flush the dog’s tail down the toilet when it was just natural child curiosity and perhaps even a sign of heightened intelligence?

We don’t want to shop at grocery stores or go to the movies and chomp on popcorn with greasy oil that will probably give me cancer but it’s so good that I eat it anyway. We don’t want your institutions or your facilities or your equal rights handed to us on a sweaty heterosexual, cisgender platter filled with caveats and pats on the back and feelings of good will that you finally came around and realized that we’re human beings just like you. Because the dirty, honest truth is that we’re not human beings just like you. We’re a fabulous species of superior intelligence that is solely looking for lower utility bills. But that still doesn’t mean you should treat us like crap.

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