The Bachelor Episode 5 Recap: Beneric And The MILF

We open in Mexico, which Beneric says is a good place to find love, since it is a place.  The women are told to act impressed by the Four Seasons, and Olivia says it has a bidet, which she, being Very Worldly, has at home.  Bam.  She says she loves Ben and “he doesn’t validate people the way he validates me.”

Amanda, the mom, gets a one-on-one, and Olivia is surprised because she says Beneric doesn’t want that. What, kids?  A hot blonde MILF? A threesome?  None of these is accurate.

Beneric surprises Amanda and the girls in their hotel room at 4:20am.  They aren’t wearing makeup, so OMG.  One girl takes out her retainer and Beneric says he also sleeps with a retainer.  What is this, Degrassi High? He better take that out in the Fantasy Suite.

Amanda looks gorgeous even at 4:20am, because she has kids so she’s used to being up all damn night.  Olivia tells the other girls that Beneric doesn’t want to go for a mom, which just ensures that Beneric will marry Amanda.  Just in case my millennial readers are happy to see that you can be this hot and also be a mom of two small kids, give me a break.  You can’t.  Amanda is obviously an android.

Amanda and Beneric go up in a generic hot air balloon ride and follow it with a generic picnic.  Beneric asks if it’s hard for this single mom of two to focus on herself, and she actually keeps a straight face while answering. As if on cue, my two year old screams for me to take him out of bed to look at the garbage truck he hears outside, and I press pause.

Amanda tells Beneric about her jerk ex-husband.  Unsurprisingly, everything went downhill after the birth of the second child.  She tells him that marriage would be even more important to her this go-round and I totally believe her.  In my experience with couples counseling, people are super enthusiastic about second marriage.  Nobody wants to be divorced twice!  Beneric says all the right things, and comes off like a generic white knight, and she is super happy and accepts the rose.  He says, “It would be great to be the one to give Amanda all that love” and we know two kids that are getting a plane ticket to the set of The Bachelor.

Group date. The girls learn Spanish in a classroom setting, and learn how to tell Beneric that they want to kiss him and that they love him in Spanish.  So cute.  Not really.  Jubilee starts to get jealous, and we know things are going to get dramatic soon.  She gives him a bad attitude when it’s her turn to converse with him.  Olivia’s turn.  She thinks there’s “electrici-tay” between Beneric and her when they practice their pidgin Spanish, because she’s delusional and wants to make everyone hate her as much as possible.

The group goes to a market to cook, and these girls pretend like they haven’t been dieting since they got the call that they were on this show six months ago.  Olivia and Beneric are partners, and everyone else seethes.  Beneric doesn’t seem to be into Olivia anymore.  The other girls say it’s because she has bad breath, and note an incident where he offers her to eat a mint leaf with him.  That is pretty humiliating to hear on national TV, or ever.  Poor Odoriferous Olivia (OO).

I think Beneric, while cooking, said he’s no longer the Bachelor but the Spatular, but I refuse to believe in this level of bad humor or to rewind and confirm it.  Someone wins the cookoff and nobody cares.  In the evening, OO and Beneric canoodle, and he kisses her on the lips.  Guess she doesn’t smell that bad.  Jubilee gets more and more jealous.  Uh oh.

Beneric and Amanda make out, and he’s really into her poor mistreated single mom self.  The damsel in distress thing never fails.  Now Jubilee is summoned by Beneric, and she refuses to hold his hand.  Bad move, Jubilee. Now she tells him she feels insecure, and he admits he’s no longer as confident about their relationship because she’s pulling away.  Jubilee says some confusing stuff about her thoughts about him, and he seems nonplussed.  She asks him not to give up on her, but I think he already moved on to a woman whose uterus has housed two residents and who acts a lot more straightforwardly appreciate of his Benerically awesome qualities.

Whoa, Beneric just kicked Jubilee to the curb.  The Bachelor is no place for a bad attitude, Jubilee.  He walks her out, and I just know she’s going to beat herself up over not opening up fast enough.  This is the very definition of self-fulfilling prophecy; she keeps saying she knew this was going to happen, and, in fact, her behavior MADE it happen.  That and that she’s a war veteran with tattoos and not a blonde bubbly baby mama.  Poor Jubilee says, “I’m the most unlovable person.” Jubilee, get yourself a good therapist.  Your life has not been easy.

The women comfort Beneric because he’s sad about dumping Jubilee.  Beneric, you better enjoy this now, because it’s the first and last time that a woman will make out with you to comfort you about another woman leaving.  And now Beneric gives Olivia another rose!  So weird, I thought she was out soon.  Won’t be the first time a man has crap judgment in women, and won’t be the last.

Beneric and Lauren H., the kindergarten teacher, go on a fashion show date.  Some of the women consider tattling on Olivia to Beneric, I guess for her general level of suckage. Lauren H. is going to walk down the runway for her date.  That’s awkward.  Anyone notice this show is getting more about social anxiety exposures and less about general anxiety exposures, like bungee jumping.  Interesting trend.

I think Lauren H. would be a good match for Beneric, except she’s not as hot as him, and that might lead to him regretting it when he looks back at the hotties he let go. The trick for a man is to get a hot enough girl that they both can consider her a catch for him.  Research bears this out.  Lauren H. talks about how she could have a guard up but chooses to be happy, and that’s the whole point of therapy so I can’t make fun of it too much. Beneric makes out with her happy self.

Cocktail party.  A brunette who is hot but whose name I never can remember makes out with Beneric and he likes her, because she’s hot and adoring.  Another blonde is similarly hot and adoring, but cutesier.  Such a range of humanity.

Olivia tells Amanda that she reminds her of the show Teen Mom, which is pretty insulting.  Amanda calls her out on it, and Olivia starts crying and says she’s “trying” and will “be better” from here on out.  The twin thinks this is fake, and goes to tell Beneric. The ones who tattle on the others never come off well.

Olivia gives Beneric a little present of a ring or something.  Some girls tell Beneric that Olivia sucks and he is very confused.  The deluded girls fantasize that Beneric will “take Olivia’s rose away.”  Yeah right.  On the next Bachelor, we have a lot of girls crying, to the point that even I, a female, wants to get a beer and watch the game and fantasize about women who don’t have emotions.  Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says Maybe Beneric Has No Olfactory Receptors In His Brain.  They Were Edged Out By The Corniness Receptors.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.

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