News: Obama Tells Nation To Just Chalk Up Today As Loss

WASHINGTON—Saying the nation was unlikely to accomplish much more between now and the end of the workday, President Barack Obama held a press conference early this afternoon to tell everyone to head on home and chalk up today as a loss.

“Well, we gave it a shot, but it’s 2:30 now and we don’t really have anything to show for it —I know I sure don’t,” an audibly resigned Obama said during the nationally televised address from the Oval Office, his rumpled shirtsleeves rolled up past his elbows. “I think it’d be better to just cut our losses, come in with fresh eyes tomorrow, and tackle this again in the morning.”

“There’s no sense sitting here spinning our wheels and making ourselves miserable,” the president continued, wearily rubbing his forehead. “Let’s just call it a wash and get out of here early …



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