In an attempt to streamline the cumbersome United States election process, this year’s presidential election will be decided by the single toss of a coin on November 8th.
“We’re scrapping all the primaries, caucuses, conventions, and especially the Electoral College which, let’s face it, no one is still quite sure how it works no matter how many times it’s explained to us,” says Harlan P. Oberwall, Chairman of the Nominating Overhaul Institute and Shoe Repair. “And let’s face it — most people in the United States choose their candidates by tossing a coin. We’re just making it official.”
Presidential candidates will now be determined by coin tosses in each of the fifty states, with winners going on to elimination rounds leading up to the final toss.
“Not only will these changes save the country an estimated fifty billion dollars in needless political spending, but it will allow anyone from any party to run for the presidency,” says Oberwall, an announcement which has resulted in a flood of hopeful candidates.
“I ran on a platform of school vouchers and increased funding for astral projection to replace our transportation system,” said Dina May Kellenworth of Peekskill, New York, who lost this morning in a coin toss to Alan Sperlbetter of the United Snake Handlers Coalition.
Sperlbetter, who lost the coin toss five minutes later to Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton, claimed: “The system is rigged.”
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