Scalia Goes On Hobby Lobby Shopping Binge, Just To Feel Again

The U.S. Supreme Court on Friday agreed to hear seven new appeals regarding the Affordable Care Act’s contraception mandate, an issue raised by the Christian craft store chain Hobby Lobby in a 2014 case. 

Knowing full well that the new cases will unleash a flurry of criticism his way — just the fix he was looking for – Justice Antonin Scalia made a trip to his local Hobby Lobby and consumed like a man possessed.


After leaving the checkout with his purchases, Scalia sat on the hood of his car in the Hobby Lobby parking lot, taking deep hits off a cigarette, which he put out in his own palm, releasing a pleasure-filled primal groan.

Reporters surrounded his vehicle, bombarding him with questions, but he simply sat there, a crooked smile creeping below cold, dead eyes.

Their antagonism made him strong. He got into the car, punched the inside roof of his car repeatedly and howled with delight.

Thick smoke overtook the reporters as Scalia spun his tires as he sped away.

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