The air strikes on Libya bring us to a stark truth: The United States is now fighting three wars simultaneously. But why stop at three when we have the world’s largest and most expensive military? Here are some of the countries just asking to be attacked:
Name of Attack: Operation Infinite Retribution
Advantage: Attacking Yemen will demonstrate to the Yemeni people that we support the ouster of President Ali Abdullah Saleh, who has been the subject of massive street demonstrations. Gunman loyal to President Saleh killed at least 46 protesters on March 18, in blatant violation of United Nations resolutions.
Disadvantage: President Saleh has been an important ally in the fight against al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula. His successor may turn out to be unfriendly to the U.S.
Name of Attack: Operation Screaming Eagle
Advantage: Attacking Bahrain will show Bahraini citizens that we support their recent street protests demanding democratic rule. Troops from Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates are already occupying Bahrain’s oil and gas installations, so a few more soldiers probably won’t be noticed.
Disadvantage: The King of Bahrain has been an important ally in the fight against al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula. His successor may turn out to be unfriendly to the U.S.
Name of Attack: Operation Really Sharp Sword
Advantage: Air strikes will destroy Iran’s nuclear program before it develops a bomb. Overthrow of the government would remove a longtime foe of the U.S. and finally pay them back for taking those hostages in 1979. Bastards.
Disadvantage: Might already have the Bomb.
Name of Attack: Operation Hugo Gone
Advantage: Attack will take out government of Hugo Chavez, a perennial antagonist of America and the capitalist system. Also, a war in South America would mean U.S. bombers don’t have to fly quite so far to strike targets, conserving costly jet fuel.
Disadvantage: Would break our unblemished record of only attacking Muslim countries.
Name of Attack: Operation Maple Leaf
Advantage: Complete Surprise. Also: Justin Bieber is Canadian.
Disadvantage: Attack may interrupt hockey season just as it was starting to get interesting.