Robert Brenner: Ronald McDonald, Wedding Planner

As classical Muzak blasted from a loudspeaker, Kelvin Kwong got down on one knee and declared his love for his fiancée, Ashley Tse, in front of a rowdy media scrum. Their engagement party on Valentine’s Day was the inaugural event of a new and aggressively promoted nuptial service at McDonald’s restaurants in Hong Kong, the first in the world to offer McWeddings. — The New York Times

Hello, my name is Ronald McDonald, and I’ll be your wedding planner. Don’t worry — I may be a clown, but I take your special day very seriously. And I’ve got tons of experience — “over one billion hitched,” just like the sign says.

The ceremony will be held right under the Golden Arches, symbolizing your union — and our global hegemony. If it rains, we can move indoors from the parking lot and hold it in front of the cashiers; the clanging of the cash registers adds a festive element. Plus now we’ve got Wi-Fi in certain locations.

Mayor McCheese will officiate. Not only is he delicious, but he’s also an ordained minister. He can perform any kind of ceremony you want — kosher, hallal, whatever. Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special denominations don’t upset us.

You can write your own vows, but you get a special discount if you incorporate any of the following phrases: “have it your way,” “you deserve a break today,” “I’m lovin’ it, and “Big Mac attack.”

Speaking of our signature dish, Officer Big Mac will usher and provide security. He’s also available for bachelorette parties. I understand he’s very popular with the ladies. He shows up in a breakaway police officer’s uniform, then flashes his quarter pounder with cheese. (If you’re interested in a bachelor party, we do a cross-promotion with Wendy’s Hot ‘n’ Juicy.)

Food’s a no brainer; it’s what we do best. For hors d’oeuvres, we serve Chicken McNuggets, McFries, and McShakes. For the sit-down meal, McChicken sandwiches, Filet-of-fish, and prime McRib. And every one of your guests gets a free plastic toy with their Happy Meal to remind them of your special day: either a miniature defibrillator or a Lipitor dispenser.

Unfortunately, Early Birdie is no longer offering her delicious, high fructose Eggs Benedict McMuffins. Hey, where do you think all those Chicken McNuggets come from? Similarly, we had to put down Sundae, the depressed dessert dachshund, my beloved pet. But his indomitable spirit lives on–you could say we put a little bit of him in everything we do.

For vegetarians, we offer two options: eat what everyone else has, or go hungry. Just kidding. I’m sure we can scrape up a salad somewhere. Calorie counts? Who cares about calorie counts on your big day? Emphasis on big. You know what they say — nothing is more fattening than wedding cake. Especially when the wedding cake’s made up of McApple pies. Super Size Me? Never heard of him. Is he some kind of size-changing superhero, like Giantman or the Atom?

Alcohol’s a bit tricky. McDonalds doesn’t officially serve alcohol — we’re a wholesome, family-style restaurant. But you know those McShakes I mentioned? They’re actually made from potatoes. That’s right, absolutely no dairy. (You should see what the McFries are made out of!) Which means if you allow them to ferment, you’ve got vodka! And who really needs to drink anything else at a wedding? Speak to the Fry Guys — they’re in charge of getting fried.

The Grimace will handle the photography. He’s the artistic type. Not many people know this, but that big purple blob started out as abstract art. Just don’t let him have any fermented McShakes. You don’t want three hundred pounds of angry purple Grimace to go all Charlie Sheen on you at your wedding.

The Hamburglar and Captain Crook will DJ at the reception. The Hamburglar’s really into German techno, and let’s just say Captain Crook’s thinking of changing his name to Captain Crunk. They totally killed it at Burning Man last year — and not a single hamburger got singed. Robble, robble!

After your nuptials, for your honeymoon, may I suggest McDonaldland? The rates are low and transportation’s easy — in fact it’s right next door, next to the dumpsters. The ball pit is particularly conducive to — how should I put this delicately? — spreading your secret sauce on your buns. By the way, we have an instructional video, “The Hamburger Patch: Where Little Hamburgers Come From,” in case you’re interested. Although I don’t advise eating your progeny. Unless you’re Cronus or somebody. It’s also a little known fact that the McDonaldland characters are descended from the Greek gods. A lesser pantheon to be sure, but still a pantheon. And you get McFries with that.

Look, you could go to Burger King and get something similar, but let me be frank with you: would you want a crazed despot planning your wedding? I didn’t think so. The place is a powder keg over there. You should see the way he grills his patties — it’s insane! I mean, seriously, he makes Moammar Gadhafi look rational. I hear any day now his people are going to overthrow him and replace him with a democracy. Either that or a cute little chihuahua. One or the other.

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