David Theo Goldberg: The Republicant Platform… An Open Source ReCourse

Recent political events have finally birthed a new political player, The Republicant Party, the one formerly known as the “The Party.” The new party is hereby announcing itself, with this hot-off-the social media party platform.

• Presidential candidates from states formerly or currently owned by foreign countries need to provide verifiable proof that they were born in the Americas.

• Republicantism is committed to public funding of private presses to print pink slips for all publicly employed firefighters and police. Republicantism supports private hiring of former publicly employed firefighters and police to secure all property valued over $1M against fire damage and crime. Privately hired fire- and crime fighters can earn salaries no more than fifty percent of their former publicly sponsored salaries.

• Public sector employees have pension and health care benefits that are the envy of private sector employees. To alleviate unnecessary envy, therefore, Republicantism is committed to ending public sector pension and health care benefits.

• There is no constitutional right to health care. Republicare demands that every person dropped from public health insurance coverage retain the right to purchase private insurance at rates only the top one percent of income earners in America can afford, failing which they retain the constitutional right to die.

• In states like New Jersey there are twice as many millionaires as teachers. Millionaires know the formula for success in America. The Repubicant Platform is committed to deficit reduction and educational reform by replacing public school teachers in the classroom with millionaires teaching on a zero salary basis.

• Public sector jobs are twice as costly to sustain as comparable private sector positions. To cut their budget deficits in half and double America’s employment rate, therefore, corporations will be given the budgets of the Department of Education, NPR, NEH and NEA to invest in the stock market. All investment losses will be underwritten by the Federal Deficit Investment Corporation.

• Lobbyists discourage Congresspersons and their aides from doing the work for which they are being paid by the public treasury. Republicantism requires that any Lobbyists engaging elected officials and their aides (including conversations over meals, golf, talking on the phone and in the halls of Congress, on corporate plane rides, bike rides and basketball with a president, or in sports sky boxes, etc.) should be paid the salary otherwise being earned by the public officials or their aides. To match the Lobbyists’ rate of pay, equity requires that Lobbyists’ reimbursements will be calculated on the basis of the public servant’s double overtime salary rate.

• Some wealthier but broke states such as California transfer tax dollars to poorer but less broke states like Wisconsin and Ohio. In the interests of keeping the state of the Union unionized, if not united, Republicantism demands that the former states retain all of their federal tax dollars to pay off their own debt and support their own citizens. The latter states can borrow surplus funds to fuel their deficits from the former states at going bank rates.

• Because American corporations use no public resources or infrastructure. Republicantism is committed to cutting out all public funding to protect all non-profitable Too Big to Nail corporations from paying any corporate taxes.

• In honor of our most colorful supporters, the National Tattoo Parlor Association and their national lobby, Republicantism is committed to the constitutive right to bare* arms in self-defense and germ warfare.

Nothing is priceless. For everything else, there is the Master’s Card.

Add your Voice to The Republicant Platform: Tweet till you beat; Party till you pop!

Composed by the Republicant National Party all night long Chair, Jimmied* O’Reefer.

The author of The Republicant Platform, who may or may not be The Author, renounces all rights to and responsibility for Republicantism. Because Republicantism lacks all responsibility.

*Any conceptual, constitutional, lexiconic, or grammatical complaints should be directed to the public defunding of education.

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