James Kotecki: Kidz Bop: The Worst Thing Ever?

I have just listened to “Kidz Bop 18: Today’s Biggest Hits Sung for Kids by Kids” in its entirety.

I really wanted to hate it. Instead, I’m simply baffled.

Here are my top 12 questions:

  1. Do children really prefer that other children sing inferior cover versions of their favorite pop songs?
  2. Why not just have the original artist record an edited version?
  3. Why go through the trouble of hiring 12 year olds to cover Justin Beiber’s “Baby” when the original artist is basically the same age?
  4. Are children actually asking their parents to buy these albums?
  5. Those children are like 4 years old, right?
  6. Do any adults ever purchase Kidz Bop without being asked?
  7. Do these adults have any understanding of modern music? (Hint: they bought a CD with the word “Bop” in the title.)
  8. Doesn’t Kidz Bop take it’s lyrical editing too far? On Katy Perrys’ “California Gurls”, a “sun kissed beach,” not “sun kissed skin,” will melt your popsicle. Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” stand-ins are not “sippin’ that bub,” but rather, “eatin’ that grub.” Isn’t that a little lame, even for 4 year olds?
  9. Many of the songs (“Break Your Heart”, “Alejandro”, “Single Ladies”) concern adult relationships. Isn’t this inconsistent with Kidz Bop’s mission to infantilize everything it touches?
  10. Why does Kidz Bop support atheism? On the song “Breakeven,” one of the kidz laments that he/she (it’s hard to tell at this age) is “praying to a thing that I don’t believe in.” While certainly less direct than The Script’s original “praying to a god that I don’t believe in,” the atheist message remains intact.
  11. Aren’t atheist parents the least likely to have a problem with mild references to alcohol and sexuality?
  12. Are most purchases of Kidz Bop ironic at this point?

For the sake of America’s children, I truly hope so.

Leave a Reply