Most people see meals as a source of useful energy, a traditional forum for gatherings friendly and familial, and, they hope, a provider of positive stimulation for at least two of their five senses. Those people are hopeless losers.
Eating isn’t about enjoyment anymore – it’s about being cool. Food is a battle ground for proving one’s in-the-know, wink-wink, secret mustache stroke handshake hipness. Your cred – and blog rating – depends on what and where you eat.
That established, it’s obviously uber-important to stay ahead of the game. You’ve gotta have three secret food trucks on your queue, to be two steps ahead of the tumblr crowd and, God forbid they take the Padma out of their ears, those Manhattan dinosaurs that are the New York Times trends writers. It’s hard to be this hip, and so, here’s a set of totally post-modern eatery proposals to keep food cool.
Chic Soup Kitchen: In this consumerist culture of ours, we need to strip ourselves down to the bare bones and live with only what we need (MacBook Pro, extensive vinyl collection, smartphone, closet filled with tight fitting clothes, etc). Who doesn’t admire the homeless for their commitment to minimalism? It’s time we take up that mantle. Add some restored oak furniture, oil paintings from loft mates and, of course, clear up that dreadful smell and dirty clientele, and you’re entirely turning society on its ear.
Tumblr Sandwich Shop: Modeled after the niche blogging platform that anyone who’s anyone (with an MFA and/or love for photoshopping cats) uses, it’s all about reblogging collaboration and adding personal reflection, or something. At this sandwich shop, a long assembly line handles your sandwich: start with a delicious looking panini or flatbread, and then watch as everyone on the line “reblogs,” or adds their own crappy topping, to the sandwich.
Grow Your Own Food: Fresh, locally sourced food is all the rage these days, leading droves of smart eaters to farmers’ markets and Whole Foods, that bastion of indie culture. You want fresh and local? How about growing your own food. This joint would provide little plots of dirt for eventual diners to plant their own seeds, requiring them to come back every morning to water the vegetables they grow.
Twitpic Cafe: Can we be honest? It’s not about what you eat – it’s all about what people know you’re eating. Eating well is all an image, and the more grainy photos of semi-competently made meals that you can post on your social network, the better an eater you’re perceived to be. At the Twitpic Cafe, you don’t actually eat – you simply go station to station at a buffet, snapping instagrammed cell phone shots of the chemically preserved vegan pasta and tiramasu with drizzled chocolate reduction sauce, or something.
Unmarked Food Van: Eating food out of trucks used to be what poor people and dumb tourists did. Then, Foursquare came along, and all of a sudden, you could be trendy, knowing the secret location of an inconvenient, table-less restaurant. Unfortunately, it started getting popular, and corporations like Tasti-D-Lite started playing the truck game. Time to get even more super secretive: serve schnitzel out of unmarked white vans. Sure, there’s a risk you’ll walk into a dangerous drug dealer’s place of business, but there’s a price to eating cool.
Breast Milk Bar: In this day and age, it’s all about eating healthy – we’re all getting diabetes! And nothing is healthier than a mother’s breast milk. Unfortunately, it’s a social faux pas to go after the nutrient rich lady dairy (unless you’re a baby), so why not have it come to you? Fresh breast milk, delivered daily. Your mustache never tasted so good.
Tuna Safe Dolphin: Why is that we’re always so worried about whether tuna is dolphin safe? What, dolphins are awesome and tuna don’t matter? Just because they’re not mammals. Let’s turn that paradigm on its ear, man. Flip it. Challenge society. We’re gonna eat dolphins that were harvested without any harm done to tuna. It’s only right.