On behalf of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, I extend our mighty, nuclear capable seasons greetings! While I myself do not ascribe to your decadent primate behaviors of tree decorating and red-bellied fat man worship, I comprehend that this holiday holds significance in your feeble American minds. I have seen your malls. In winter, you battle over plastic totems of Tickle Me Elmos and Big Mouthed Billy Basses — useless drivel designed to soften and placate you into docile cows. Such gifts are pathetic, and pale in comparison to the island Yeonpyeong, which I must have. It is the top item on my Christmas List of Demands.
Your whole nation bonds in an uproar of holiday spirit. Let me assure you: I command a matchless army that delivers far superior Christmas cheer. Now, you might ask, “Kim Jong Il, doesn’t your nation persecute Christians more than any other country on earth?” This is all one hilarious misunderstanding. Ha ha.
I’d love to engage a Christian in honest, open dialogue on religious-freedom… if I could find any. They keep disappearing on me. I mean, one moment there’s a seditious Christian — and poof — he’s gone. Just like that; hide-and-go seek. These Christians keep vanishing and holding charity bake sales at KYO-HUA-SO REEDUCATION FACILITY.
As for the unprovoked sinking of the South Korean warship, Cheonan, you will never find a more prominent and joyous display of Christmas merriment. Did you know that all forty-six traitorous sailors aboard that ship were naughty? Yes, very naughty. They intruded on our weapons testing exercises.
Here’s an analogy for dim-witted American apes: it’s Christmas morning. You rise out of bed in your pitifully inferior flannel pajamas. Peering out your window, you see your neighbor skating on the south side of your sidewalk. You torpedo his warship. Your children rejoice because your household has united in an indomitable display of Christmas Power.
With North Korea leading the world in technology, culture, health care, economic growth, government efficiency, media freedom, military force, and comedy Youtube videos, it is difficult to fathom what our perfectly content citizenry would actually want for Christmas, besides Yeonpyeong, which I must have. There is, of course, one thing: peace on earth. And peace on earth is possible! After unwrapping the uranium high-speed centrifuges from my friends in China, (re-gifted from Russia) we can all enjoy peace on earth. Yes, six hundred feet below sea level in a gingerbread, candy-coated thermodynamic laboratory, I’m brewing a Christmas Miracle!
Some people call me a Grinch; others call me a Scrooge. Those people have been killed. But please, Americans, celebrate your holiday. Engorge your fat faces on succulent honey-glazed ham, and rest your horrifically distended asses on sleds, singing carols of joy. North Korea will and shall always have a Merrier Christmas. Our trees are greener, presents nicer, and smiles 1.3 times brighter, as mandated by the State. Competition is futile. The People shall reign supreme.
Until then. I’ll see you in a Nuclear Winter-Wonderland
Kim Jong Il