Jessica Olien: Dairy of a Captive Platypus

April 1

So. I finally figured out what I am today while the zoologist was poking at my anus. I’ve heard them say it before but never realized it applied to me. Platypus. Shit. Really? Look I know I’m totally screwed in the looks department but do you really have to name me something that sounds like the nickname for an STD? So they drop this huge bomb and just throw me back into my habitat alone. I spent the whole rest of the day just sitting inside my feeding rock feeling sorry for myself. Outside I could hear people asking, “Where is the platypus?” Fuck. You. All. I’m such a loser.

April 13

What is weirder than this bill on my face? And this tail is completely ridiculous. What kind of God would do this? A kid called me an otter yesterday and I thought “if only.” I’m so limited by my species.

Sometimes I think I’d like to be more social. I wished they’d give me a mate or something. But I don’t even know if I could stand having another one of me around. I might be totally grossed out by some furry female version of myself smiling at me with her ugly-ass beak.

In other news: Koala bears are total douchebags. Before, I thought that maybe I was just projecting my insecurities onto them. But now I know for sure: they don’t have a personality because they’ve never NEEDED one.

April 14

I’m trying to focus on the things I like about myself. I like my tummy. I also am fond of my strong paws, which can propel me through the water quite gracefully. The rest is a total effing disaster. Today they moved a beaver into the habitat next to me and I hid behind the waterfall for like an hour. I can’t stop thinking about how she probably thinks I’m a messed up version of her.

I’d really like to talk to her at some point when I feel like I’m mentally in a better place.

April 16

I think I’m in love. We keep looking at each other shyly. I’m not even thinking about my beak/softball bat tail anymore. Oh my God she’s coming up to my fence!

April 18

I drew quite the crowd today. I’m beginning to realize that I am dealing with my self-esteem issues by being an over-performing asshole. The koalas are up there chewing their bamboo (bo-ring) and I’m all like, “Step up folks ‘cuz it be mudslide time!” I could see the beaver watching me from the edge of her enclosure. Ever since I spent time by her fence a couple days ago she is all up in my shit. I can’t even look over there without her running up and pushing her face in my habitat. It’s making me feel all itchy and claustrophobic. I need to just have some time to myself.

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